In My Defense

I know my absence from this blog has been felt the world over (or at least by one person, my fabulous friend Liz). In my defense, I'd like to tell you what has happened to me during the last few days, and I hope in some small way it will lessen the severity of my punishment for not posting. I hope that you all (by "you all" I mean, fabulous friend Liz and her fabulous husband Jonathan, who also finds my "computer" excuse to be poor) find the following story to be at least 10 times more creative than an 14-hour work day (no offense to fabulous friend Hope).

It was late Sunday night, I was asleep in my not so comfortable pee-filled bed (see post on worst dog nominations) dreaming of co-hosting "E! Live from the Red Carpet" with my fabulous friend Liz. Suddenly, I felt something yanking on the covers to the side of my bed. I thought it was my pee-happy dog scratching at the covers, trying to get on the bed, but it was RYAN SEACREST - he really is THAT short.


He told me that I had been invited to the Golden Globes, but that I had to leave with him immediately on his E! Spaceship. I asked him, what I would tell my fabulous husband, who also has a name. Ryan, or as I call him now, Rae-Rae told me he would take care of everything. I jumped on the E! Spaceship, which looks like this:





Except it has a big E! logo on the side. The spaceship ride was not unlike most plane rides that I've been on, with the exception of Rae-Rae and his friend, Clebe playing twister in the corner.

When we got to Hollywood (the E! spaceship lands at the secret Hollywood Sign Airport), I was immediately told how I would appear at the Golden Globes!! (This is where the story gets a little unbelievable, but I swear every word is true). Apparently, I was going as Jennifer Love Hewitt!! According to Rae-Rae and everyone else I met from E! (they're all Aliens by the way, hence the spaceship) - Jennifer Love Hewitt isn't a real person. She's a really stupid E! Alien with no personality and no brain, that different humans get to inhabit from time to time. This totally explains her inconsistent acting (or lack thereof), right?

So, on Monday afternoon they stuff me in this hideous dress and tease my hair - HUGE (for E! Aliens big hair is a sign of intelligence and ice cream eating ability)

This is me at the Golden Globes in a JLH costume.

Anyway, Monday night I was at the Golden Globes - that's a good excuse, right? I had a fabulous time at all of the parties and totally messed with Cameron Diaz when I told her that JT and Jessica Biel were flirting in the corner at the InStyle party. I was a cruel alien, but JLH never had so much fun!

The E! Aliens were so impressed with my wonderful personification of JLH that they decided to keep me for a few days (seeing as neither spaceships nor planes were flying in and out of Austin). Perhaps you heard that Lindsay Lohan is now in rehab - well guess who put her there? It was ME as JLH. I drank her so far under the table (I was drinking ice cream) she thought that Brandon Davis was her hero and that Tide detergent was something else . . .

There was lots of fun to be had in Hollywood, but the bottom line was that I didn't make is safely home in my bed (the return E! spaceship ride was blue and we ate lots of ice cream while teasing Rae-Rae's hair) until early this morning. Apparently, Rae-Rae left an alien clone of me in my place so that my husband, who has a name wouldn't miss me. I guess my alien clone was endowed with all of my talents, abilities and likeness except for the ability to blog, oddly enough.

I could have blogged in Hollywood, but apparently the E! Aliens don't let you do anything out of character when you're in JLH's shell. I guess she doesn't know how to read or write, so if anyone would have seen me (aka JLH), my cover would have been blown.

So there you have it - that's the reason I have not been able to blog until today. I will try never to be captured by the E! Aliens again, unless they tell me I can go as Kate Winslet to the Academy Awards.