How Jennifer Aniston Can Become A Movie Star

Last night Jonathan and I had occasion to watch a truly terrible movie called, Picture Perfect, staring Jennifer Aniston, Kevin Bacon, Jay Mohr, and Iliana Douglas. It looked like a cute movie when we first started watching it but by the end of the movie I was rolling my eyes at the stupid plot and ridiculous acting. Part of the problem with the movie was Jennifer Aniston herself.

Now, I have no problem with Jennifer Aniston in fact I thought she was great on Friends. Part of her appeal on Friends was her sweet but crazy-hot girl-next-door demeanor. But that sweet, vulnerable, girl-next-door quality that made us feel like we knew her when we watched her on Friends is exactly what keeps her from ever becoming a "Movie Star". I think the difference between TV stars and movie stars is the perception of accessibility. Realistically no actor is really accessible but TV stars come into our home via our television sets and I think that proximity makes it seem like we know them.

Side note: Stars' lack of accessibility is a smart PR move because as far as I can tell any actor stupid enough to spout off in public about his or her "true feelings" about any meaningful topic quickly becomes relegated to Crazy Town. (Crazy town population includes: Tom Cruise, Anna Nicole Smith, Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and, sometimes Madonna)

Movie stars, in contrast to TV stars, are viewed on large screens in movie theaters. The big screens, the movie posters, and all the hoopla that goes along with movie premiers makes movie stars seem larger than life. They seem to live almost on another planet. I think some of them really do live on other planets that I don't know the names of like whatever planet the Scientologists live on.

When I think of movie stars, names like Sharon Stone, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, and Meryl Streep come to mind. They are beautiful and wealthy and the tabloids make it seem like their lives are much more exciting than ours. (Let's face it, their lives are more exciting than ours, well mine anyway.) And that makes me feel sorry for poor Jennifer Aniston. Whenever I read interviews with her or hear about how she spends her non-working time, it sounds kind of dull. She hangs out with her friends, smokes a few menthol lites, and eats tasteless food from the Zone Diet. Yikes.

It must have really sucked for Jennifer when Brad left her for Angelina. It has to add insult to injury that no matter what Jennifer does she will never be a huge movie star like Angelina. You know why? Because Jennifer is isn't weird enough. Jennifer seems like a more or less normal (albeit boring) human being. Angelina, on the other hand, is this exotic seemingly fearless beauty who does weird stuff that no one that I know would ever do. For example: she wears a vial of blood around her neck, adopts children from third world countries, and marries/divorces frequently. She is like a gorgeous crazy circus freak that we just can't stop watching.

So my advice to Jennifer is this: If you want to be a movie star you should do one or more of the following:

(a) adopt a child from an obscure African country that no one has ever heard of
(b) convert to a controversial religion like Scientology or Kabbalah or maybe join a cult
(c) marry K-Fed (he is currently available)
(d) get a DUI and then tearfully go to a cushy rehab center like Promises in Malibu
(e) engage in a public bigoted rant
(f) get into a public catfight with another female celebrity

Jennifer, if you can pick more than one of the items from this list and execute the subsequent PR nightmare with a total lack of dignity and self respect it is possible that you can overcome your "nice girl" image and become a Movie Star of epic proportions. The question you have to ask yourself is: how badly do I want to become a movie star? If you apply yourself and really work toward your goal the sky is the limit. So lose those underpants, start smoking crack, and engage in public displays of self-degradation. There is no telling how far you can go!