Who Killed Anna Nicole Smith??

The foremost question on every mind these days is "Who killed Anna Nicole?" For those of you who listen to NPR, and, therefore, don't know about this important story, I would just say that you really need to get with the program and start watching the real news which you can find on the E! channel. You know who you are.

I think it is pretty clear that Anna Nicole was murdered. Accidental death? No way. Her body had developed an elephant-like tolerance for drugs and alcohol. No way would a little Valium or methadone take that girl down.

If you have ever seen an interview with her, watched her "reality show" (also on E!), or watched any of her testimony in the trial for her dead husband's money you will agree that she didn't seem like a particularly nice or coherent person. I can't imagine what spending time with her must have been like. It must have been surreal and depressing. It stands to reason that anyone who spent a lot of time around her would, therefore, have had motive to off her. What makes no sense is why they would have waited so long. I would think that any normal person who spent 15 minutes in the same room with that broad would have run screaming from the building. Or in search of a gun. But I am not sure that anyone close to her killed her. I may be the only person in America who feels kind of sorry for Howard K. Stern. He was with her for 15 years and had no other job. No person would be crazy or desperate enough to hang around that goofball for 15 years if he didn't truly care about her. As weird as that sounds.

Who are other possible suspects? Think about who has benefited from her death...

Brad and Angelina and their kids are not on the front page for the first time in about 2 years.

Paris Hilton and her bigoted comments aren't getting the ink they normally would.

A crotch shot of Britney Spears hasn't been published since Anna's death.

Lindsey Lohan has been practically invisible for the past week.

President Bush and the war in Iraq (what you NPR listeners would call "real news") are barely even mentioned on CNN, MSNBC, and Fox anymore.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have all but been been forgotten in the wake of Anna's death.

I think its clear that Paris, Britney, and Lindsey are too coked up and stupid to get Anna murdered. Can you imagine the three of them having a conversation about murdering anyone? "We should, like, kill her. That would be so hot." They would completely screw it up too. Britney would wind up dead, Paris would have sex with whatever guy they were paying to kill Anna, and Lindsey would be late and drunk for the whole event. Also Paris would make a videotape of those the three stooges conspiring which would land them all in prison. So if they tried to do the deed we would certainly have already found out about it on Access Hollywood.

Brad and Angelina might have conspired to sneak drugs into her booze (you know she died from drugs) but I think that they are too consumed with their desire to adopt every child on the African continent to make the time to have Anna killed.

President Bush is a great candidate for two reasons: (a) Anna diverts attention from the anger toward and distrust of his policies that have dominated the news for the past few years, (b) J. Howard Marshall's family is a wealthy Texas family who probably know and are friends with the Bushes. Killing Anna would be killing (literally) two birds with one stone.

But I think that Tom Cruise is probably the real culprit here. He is diabolical, controlling, and sneaky and he has just about had it with the media's conspiracy to spread nasty rumors about him, his wife, and his beloved Church of Scientology. He is rich enough to hire a ninja contract killer (like in that James Bond movie) to sneak into Anna's bedroom and drip just a little bit of untraceable poison in her mouth while she is sleeping and then sneak out undetected. Yeah, that is how it happened.

Anyway, I continue to be fascinated by her death because it's such a train wreck. Just like her life was. I don't think Tom will ever be convicted of her murder. Mainly because her family and friends are so money-hungry and crazy that the police and the media will just focus on them and never look for the "real" killer. Also Tom's contract killer would be too clever and would have too many cool gadgets to help him/her escape after the murder. The killer is probably already sequestered in a Church of Scientology Celebrity Center in the Australian outback. Never to be seen again.