WTF? Candy Spelling Writes A Letter to Larry Birkhead

Candy Spelling's House


Candy Spelling

It's just so hard to know where to start with this one. All I can say is WTF??!! Why would Candy Spelling, widow of uber-TV-producer Aaron Spelling, write a letter to a guy she doesn't even know and post it on TMZ? This makes even less sense than Paris Hilton's whole life.

Candy doesn't need the publicity since she is way more famous than Birkhead and she has more money than God. In fact I always thought that Candy Spelling was a bit of a recluse who didn't even want the media spotlight on her. This letter is so retarded too. I am sure that Larry Birkhead was really looking for Candy's opinion of his hairstyle. What a weirdo.
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With the DNA results in the Anna Nicole Smith paternity case set to be revealed tomorrow, Candy Spelling, one of Hollywood's most noTORIous mothers, has come exclusively to TMZ to offer Larry Birkhead advice on everything from handling fame, to mitigating exorbitant lawyer fees -- even personal grooming!

Check out Candy's letter:

Dear Larry:

As the court appearance that will change your life approaches, I am stepping into my role as a celebrity-by-association to share some experiences with you.

1) The hair, Larry: Most of the time, your hair looks great, and I'm sure you spend a lot of time getting it right. Just be warned that you might look good every day for a month. But the one day you leave in a hurry and don't pay enough attention, or you get a little wild with an untested new style -- photos will be taken that will haunt you forever.

ebay logo2) Fans/autograph seekers: Hollywood lives in fear of being yesterday's celebrity and ending up with an autograph languishing on eBay for days with no bids. If people want many copies, if they don't want you to personalize it, and/or they ask for Anna Nicole's name as part of your signature, nicely decline. If you slip and do see your autograph on sale, have a good friend bid more than 99 cents to buy it.

3) The lawyers: You've already found out that you have turned from man to cash machine. Lawyers aren't the only ones who will see you that way, especially if you are Dannielynn's biological father. The good news is that someone who presents you with a bill for $620,492.84 must think you have a good case. The bad news is that you will need more lawyers to fight the legal bills. My advice: Negotiate in advance, and put in a clause against expenses for lawyers, spouses, meals or laundry.

I wish you success in court on Tuesday, but beware: There's never enough preparation for "celebrity." I'll never get used to tour buses and cameras outside my house every day, reporters analyzing my grocery choices, and bloggers pretending to know more about my family than I do; but I do have a good life. Yours can be, too. Just remember that celebrity and/or money mean that nothing will ever be the same -- and act accordingly.

All the best,

Candy Spelling

Shocker

It took 6 weeks for the Broward County Medical Examiner to figure out that Anna Nicole died of a drug overdose. Everyone else on the planet figured it out about 5 minutes after she died. But this wasn't any normal overdose of course...a normal person might OD on one drug. Not Anna. Her tolerance for narcotics will go down in history in the same category (the WTF category) as legendary rocker Keith Richards.

Anna was taking nine drugs, including valium, ativan, antihistimines, and chloral hydrate. She was also taking muscle relaxers. Oh, and it turns out that she had been injected in the butt with a dirty needle which had caused a pretty nasty abscess on her ass. Now there is a lovely visual for you.

This woman was a living wonder. Anyone else who was taking that combination of drugs in such huge quantities would have died years ago. In fact your average African Elephant would be dead from half of that amount. Now that she is dead the cost of prescription meds are going to skyrocket because her drug use alone probably kept at least one drug company in business. No wait, Courtney Love is set to start using again any day...maybe drug prices are safe for awhile!

Response to Comments and Talkback

For those of you who read this blog on a regular or occasional basis you may have noticed that some people comment on the posts. I am not sure if you read the comments (some are very funny) but they are my favorite thing about the blog. I thought I would take this opportunity to respond to some of the comments made on or about this blog.

We got a few more baby name suggestions for Ron & Kathleen (see Feb 12 entry) from Stephanie and Jonathan:

Stephanie writes:
Here are some of my ideas:

Pokolin (I think I already mentioned) - a beautiful combination of our last names.
Naygue - another beautiful combination of our (Liz's & Steph's) married last names.
Leenon - doesn't mean anything, but sounds kind of alien.

Jonathan proposes:

May as well prepare the kid for celebrity and pick your own combo-name! (Brangelina, Bennifer, etc.) I'd go with Rathleen or Kon myself. But you could Roth or Kathlon too.

Our February 12th blog which proposes some awesome baby names to my fabulous friends Ron & Kathleen. Ron replied:

Inventive and interesting names, all. However, even at the risk of being just a little too cute, we probably are going to continue on with our precedent of consonantal alliteration and go with Vivian. (Etymology: Latin, Meaning: Lively)
We definitely don't want one that's on to one of those stupid top ten lists. BTW - Speaking of names, WTF does pufatufniks mean?

Well I have to say that while we proposed some awesome names (my favorite is Jedi) I can see why Ron might bypass our suggestions for a more traditional name. Vivian is a lovely name and one that is less likely than Jedi, Kon, or Leenon (WTF?) to cause the child to receive beatings and ridicule in grammar school.

In response to the February 13 blog which discusses Anna Nicole Smith's death (murder?) alert reader Big Dave pointed out that:

You forgot about the AstroNut Marie Novak

Well Big Dave you are correct that I omitted the Astronut™ from the Anna Nicole murder suspect list. However I didn't forget about the nation's most recognized astronaut (could you pick any other astronaut out of a lineup?), I omitted her because she has an alibi and lacked the means and opportunity to kill the incomparable Ms. Smith. Let me explain:

Marie Novak is, as far as we know, a first-time criminal and a non-celebrity. She personally stalked her presumed romantic rival rather than outsourcing the stalking to a professional, or even to a competent amateur. On Feb 6th Ms. Novak was in the custody of the Florida police. Since that time she has either been in a Florida jail or back in Texas on a $25,000 bond with a court appointed ankle bracelet adorning her leg. Since Anna Nicole met her maker on Feb 8th, Marie couldn't have killed Anna Nicole. Further, I think that it is certain that the Astronut's™ financial resources have been frozen or are at least under scrutiny by the police. Or by her soon-to-be ex-husband who has got to be hating life these days.

How embarrassing would it be to have to admit that your wife is that mental? It's one thing to privately know that you are married to a crazy person but its another thing entirely when it becomes nationally known that she is a diaper wearing, mace carrying, romantically deluded, and socially retarded stalker. And what about her kids? Apparently she has 3 of them, all of whom should just go ahead and pick a therapist because they are going to need therapy and anti-depressants for the foreseeable future.

And finally, I was very excited about the following posts from Steve and Whitney:

Alright, I'm hooked. I've been reading the blog for a while now and have to admit I can't stop visiting. Liz!, you have a quite disturbing view of the world...keep it up.

Whitney says:

Love the blog girls! It provides me great humor at work! Wonder if Jessica has been back to HEB to visit her "friend." Hahahahha!!

We love it when people leave comments on our blog so keep on talking to us. It's always nice to know that someone besides our husbands' reads and is amused by our blog. If you want to suggest topics for us to blog about please do so...we are always open to suggestions.

In the meantime have a wonderful Valentine's Day. For those of you in Chicago I hope that you stay warm that you don't have to drive at all today. I don't miss Chicago's winters but I can't wait to get back to the city during Cubs season.

Oh also, I think Jonathan is excited about his golf trip to San Antonio with Dick, Dave, and Steve in March. Jonathan and I are going to be spending some quality time at the driving range between now and then. I am planning to drive down to San Antonio and see you guys for drinks one night while you are in the Great State of Texas. You really should plan a golf trip to Austin because this place has more than 30 golf courses in the area. Not to mention great BBQ and all the beer you can handle. Oh, did I mention all the hot young chicks that hang out at Lake Austin....

Who Killed Anna Nicole Smith??

The foremost question on every mind these days is "Who killed Anna Nicole?" For those of you who listen to NPR, and, therefore, don't know about this important story, I would just say that you really need to get with the program and start watching the real news which you can find on the E! channel. You know who you are.

I think it is pretty clear that Anna Nicole was murdered. Accidental death? No way. Her body had developed an elephant-like tolerance for drugs and alcohol. No way would a little Valium or methadone take that girl down.

If you have ever seen an interview with her, watched her "reality show" (also on E!), or watched any of her testimony in the trial for her dead husband's money you will agree that she didn't seem like a particularly nice or coherent person. I can't imagine what spending time with her must have been like. It must have been surreal and depressing. It stands to reason that anyone who spent a lot of time around her would, therefore, have had motive to off her. What makes no sense is why they would have waited so long. I would think that any normal person who spent 15 minutes in the same room with that broad would have run screaming from the building. Or in search of a gun. But I am not sure that anyone close to her killed her. I may be the only person in America who feels kind of sorry for Howard K. Stern. He was with her for 15 years and had no other job. No person would be crazy or desperate enough to hang around that goofball for 15 years if he didn't truly care about her. As weird as that sounds.

Who are other possible suspects? Think about who has benefited from her death...

Brad and Angelina and their kids are not on the front page for the first time in about 2 years.

Paris Hilton and her bigoted comments aren't getting the ink they normally would.

A crotch shot of Britney Spears hasn't been published since Anna's death.

Lindsey Lohan has been practically invisible for the past week.

President Bush and the war in Iraq (what you NPR listeners would call "real news") are barely even mentioned on CNN, MSNBC, and Fox anymore.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have all but been been forgotten in the wake of Anna's death.

I think its clear that Paris, Britney, and Lindsey are too coked up and stupid to get Anna murdered. Can you imagine the three of them having a conversation about murdering anyone? "We should, like, kill her. That would be so hot." They would completely screw it up too. Britney would wind up dead, Paris would have sex with whatever guy they were paying to kill Anna, and Lindsey would be late and drunk for the whole event. Also Paris would make a videotape of those the three stooges conspiring which would land them all in prison. So if they tried to do the deed we would certainly have already found out about it on Access Hollywood.

Brad and Angelina might have conspired to sneak drugs into her booze (you know she died from drugs) but I think that they are too consumed with their desire to adopt every child on the African continent to make the time to have Anna killed.

President Bush is a great candidate for two reasons: (a) Anna diverts attention from the anger toward and distrust of his policies that have dominated the news for the past few years, (b) J. Howard Marshall's family is a wealthy Texas family who probably know and are friends with the Bushes. Killing Anna would be killing (literally) two birds with one stone.

But I think that Tom Cruise is probably the real culprit here. He is diabolical, controlling, and sneaky and he has just about had it with the media's conspiracy to spread nasty rumors about him, his wife, and his beloved Church of Scientology. He is rich enough to hire a ninja contract killer (like in that James Bond movie) to sneak into Anna's bedroom and drip just a little bit of untraceable poison in her mouth while she is sleeping and then sneak out undetected. Yeah, that is how it happened.

Anyway, I continue to be fascinated by her death because it's such a train wreck. Just like her life was. I don't think Tom will ever be convicted of her murder. Mainly because her family and friends are so money-hungry and crazy that the police and the media will just focus on them and never look for the "real" killer. Also Tom's contract killer would be too clever and would have too many cool gadgets to help him/her escape after the murder. The killer is probably already sequestered in a Church of Scientology Celebrity Center in the Australian outback. Never to be seen again.