An Inconvenient Hypocrisy

The Tennessee Center for Policy Research says that Al Gore, who won an Academy Award last weekend for his film about global warming and the importance of energy conservation, uses 20 times the national average to power his Nashville mansion. What's more, his use has increased since the release of "An Inconvenient Truth"

The Center says:

Gore’s mansion consumes more electricity every month than the average American household uses in an entire year, according to the Nashville Electric Service (NES). The average household in America consumes 10,656 kilowatt-hours (kWh) per year, according to the Department of Energy. In 2006, Gore devoured nearly 221,000 kWh—more than 20 times the national average.

Last August alone, Gore burned through 22,619 kWh—guzzling more than twice the electricity in one month than an average American family uses in an entire year. As a result of his energy consumption, Gore’s average monthly electric bill topped $1,359.

Since the release of An Inconvenient Truth, Gore’s energy consumption has increased from an average of 16,200 kWh per month in 2005, to 18,400 kWh per month in 2006. Gore’s extravagant energy use does not stop at his electric bill. Natural gas bills for Gore’s mansion and guest house averaged $1,080 per month last year … In total, Gore paid nearly $30,000 in combined electricity and natural gas bills for his Nashville estate in 2006.

I don't have any particular problem with Al Gore. He seems like a well meaning guy who is concerned about the earth and about potentially lewd rock music lyrics. But when you hold yourself up as an expert/zealot about an issue you have to expect to receive some extra public scrutiny. As Rush Limbaugh discovered when he got busted with a bunch of illegal prescription meds.

If the earth is really in so much danger from fossil fuel emissions then why isn't Gore walking the talk? Why are we supposed to ride bicycles instead of cars when he burns gas by the truckload when he flies around in his private jet? Is he a hypocrite? Or maybe global warming is being exaggerated to sell movie tickets, hybrid cars, and to scare us all into living in caves? I don't know the answers to these questions, of course, but I think that Gore looks like a big goober.

And another thing: I'll bet that Gore's Prius-driving, supermodel-dating, takes-himself-too- seriously buddy, Leonardo DiCaprio, doesn't have solar panels on his Hollywood mansion. He probably doesn't even turn out the lights when he leaves the kitchen. Oh, wait, he probably doesn't even know where the kitchen is; he would have to ask his assistant to point the way. Gore, DiCaprio, and all of their rich, liberal, "environmental" Hollywood friends don't live in the real world but they like to pretend that they do when the cameras are rolling.

Amusing Thought For The Day: Achievement

Barbara Walters Oscar Special

I love the annual Barbara Walters Oscar special and never miss it.

Tonight's first guest is Ellen Degeneres, one of my favorite comedians and the host of the Oscars this year. The one thing I don't really like about the Barbara Walters specials is that she always brings up some difficult period in the interviewee's life that is a tearjerker. She just asked Ellen about being molested as a child. While I feel badly for Ellen's past traumas I am uncomfortable hearing about them. I am always uncomfortable hearing extremely private information about people I don't know well and this occasion is no different. I wish they could have simply focused on Ellen's humor.

The second guest is Jennifer Hudson, the favorite to win the Best Supporting Actress Oscar. I may be the only person who will come right out and say that I think Jennifer Hudson is completely overrated and totally uninteresting as an actress. Give me a break. Abigale Breslin should win Best Supporting Actress for her role in Little Miss Sunshine. But I am sure that the bland Ms. Hudson will win the Oscar this year. She seems like a nice girl but I just find her to be dull. Also, in my opinion, she isn't an actress as much as she is a singer. Maybe she should win a Grammy and not an Oscar. I wish I got to make decisions like that. Maybe when I am Supreme Dictator of the World.

Barbara's third guest is the great Helen Mirren, favorite to win the Best Actress Oscar tonight. I like Helen Mirren. She is beautiful, candid, and charming. She also looks age-appropriate unlike a lot of American stars who have all had so much plastic surgery that their eyebrows meet in the back of their heads. Helen Mirren is so cute when she is talking about her husband. She is adorable and so classy. I am glad she is going to win tonight. Talent, class, and grace. Maybe Paris, Britney, and Lindsey are watching this show and learning from her. Nah, I doubt it.

Cut back to Live From the Red Carpet on E!...

Seacrest is interviwing Gwynyth Paltrow. She bugs me. She takes herself so seriously for such a marginal actress. I guess having rich successful parents along with an Oscar does that to you.

Now Seacrest is interviewing Beyonce who also bugs me. Enough said.

Wow, Cate Blanchett looks amazing as always. She looks like a goddess. I hope she wins tonight but I don't think she is going to. If I were Supreme Dictator of the World Cate would win an Oscar every year because I think she might be the greatest actress of our generation.

Back to Barbara Walters....

Eddie Murphy is the next guest on the Barbara special. I remember seeing his movie "Raw" back in 1985 at the Hyde Park Theater in Chicago. It was pretty intimidating to see that movie in a predominantly African American movie theater back then. Great flick though. He is a talented guy. I loved him in Shrek. I didn't care for his acceptance speech at the Golden Globes though. If he wins tonight I hope he gives a funny speech. That is really what we want from comedians: comedy. Oh lord...Barbara is asking Eddie about his childhood and his divorced parents. I think she is trying to make him cry but Eddie isn't falling for it. Thank goodness.

Live From the Red Carpet

It's 5pm CST and of course I am watching E! TV's Live From the Red Carpet. I am going to blog about anything that seems interesting, dramatic, noteworthy, or ridiculous. So this could be a pretty long post.

Question #1: Did Ellen dis Seacrest?
I had to rewind the Tivo to watch what happened a second time. Ryan Seacrest just cut to Ellen getting ready to host the Oscars and it was hard to tell if her eye-roll and "Back to you, Ryan" as she turned around and walked away from the camera was sarcastic or if she was being funny. I'll bet she was dissing him. He is a jackass.

Even the E! people are making fun of Ryan Seacrest. They just caught him holding his bottle of water when he thought no one was looking and they are commenting on that. That is how riveting this coverage is so far. Maybe he has vodka in the bottle instead of water...that would explain a whole lot about his behavior. Good grief, I hope the red carpet gets more interesting than it has been so far.

Question #2: Seriously, what is wrong with Ryan Seacrest?
Seacrest just interviewed Gael Garcia Bernal, a star of the movie Babel which is nominated for Best Picture. All that Seacrest could think of to ask the guy was what he thought of Brad Pitt. The worst part was that Ryan wouldn't quit asking the same question over and over when Gael said that he doesn't know Brad Pitt. Poor Gael had to tell Ryan about 4 times that he never met Brad during the filming of the movie because they shot on different continents. Ryan is an idiot. Why not ask Gael about his amazing performance in Babel or his future movies because on continents other than this one he is a huge movie star in his own right. Ryan even tried to get the poor guy to just stand next to him until Brad Pitt shows up so that he, Ryan, could introduce the two actors. What a moron.

Question #3: Why Does Ryan Seacrest Think That if He Speaks Slowly and Loudly A Non-English Speaker will understand him?
He just interviewed Rinko Kikuchi, a star of Babel, who was speaking through an interpreter. All I can say is, "Embarrassing, ugly American." Ryan you should go home.

Penelope Cruz is beautiful. Wow. Her pink Versace dress is one of the most beautiful I have ever seen. Seacrest is actually doing a decent job of interviewing her; maybe the Prozac kicked in.

Question #4: Why Does Cameron Diaz's Hair Always Look Like She Styled It With A Weed whacker?
Nice dress. Bad bad hair. Nothing more to say.

Jada Pinkett Smith is hot. This woman always looks amazing and tonight is no different. Gorgeous yellow dress that no woman with pale skin could pull off. She has a really buff body too.

Seacrest interviewing John Travolta and Kelly Preston. Apparently they voted for Forest Whitaker to win for Best Actor...if the Scientologists support a nominee he will probably win.

OK, its time to switch over to the Barbara Walters Special on ABC.

I hope that someone grabs Seacrest by his spiky hair and slams his head down onto his/her knee. That would be great.

The Academy Awards Are Today!!

I am so excited because the Academy Awards are tonight. For me, the Oscars are like the Superbowl, the Kentucky Derby, and election night all rolled into one evening. I will start watching red carpet coverage in a couple of hours. One weird thing is that E! TV starts its red carpet coverage at 11 am CST. That means 9 am PST. There is NO ONE on the red carpet at that time. I love the Oscars but interviews with the guys who are rolling out the carpet and the ladies who are bringing in the flowers just doesn't do it for me.

I will start watching the red carpet in a few hours when the D-list celebrities show up and I won't walk away from the TV until they give the last award. I am concerned that this years Oscars may be really dull because there don't seem to be any big surprises in store except maybe the Best Picture winner. I hope there is some kind of huge drama or someone has a seizure on stage to break up the monotony. Of course we can always count on Ryan Seacrest and his flunkies to make a lot of inane comments to the celebrities so that should be entertaining.

Liz's 2007 Oscar Picks

Following are my Oscar picks for the top 6 categories. Predicted winners are in bold:

Performance by an actress in a leading role

Penélope Cruz in “Volver”

Judi Dench in “Notes on a Scandal”

Helen Mirren in “The Queen”

Meryl Streep in “The Devil Wears Prada”

Kate Winslet in “Little Children”

Performance by an actress in a supporting role

Adriana Barraza in “Babel”

Cate Blanchett in “Notes on a Scandal”

Abigail Breslin in “Little Miss Sunshine”

Jennifer Hudson in “Dreamgirls”

Rinko Kikuchi in “Babel”

Performance by an actor in a leading role

Leonardo DiCaprio in “Blood Diamond”

Ryan Gosling in “Half Nelson”

Peter O’Toole in “Venus”

Will Smith in “The Pursuit of Happyness”

Forest Whitaker in “The Last King of Scotland”

Performance by an actor in a supporting role

Alan Arkin in “Little Miss Sunshine”

Jackie Earle Haley in “Little Children”

Djimon Hounsou in “Blood Diamond”

Eddie Murphy in “Dreamgirls”

Mark Wahlberg in “The Departed”

Achievement in directing

“Babel” Alejandro González Iñárritu

“The Departed” Martin Scorsese

“Letters from Iwo Jima” Clint Eastwood

“The Queen” Stephen Frears

“United 93” Paul Greengrass

Best motion picture of the year

“Babel”

“The Departed”

“Letters from Iwo Jima”

“Little Miss Sunshine”

“The Queen”

Oklahoma Trip, Day 2

In 1911 Clyde V. Cessna built his first aircraft, a Bleriot-type monoplane

Oklahoma Fact of The Day:

A car dealer from Enid, OK who grew up on a farm and had no formal flight training saw an airplane in Oklahoma City in 1910 and recognized it as the transportation of the future. He returned home where he built an airplane of his own. The car dealer's name was Clyde V. Cessna whose name eventually became synonymous with monoplanes and who later started the Cessna Aircraft Co.

Well its been another gorgeous day here in the Sooner State. And a busy one too. I went over to OKC (40 minutes away) with my dad and my brother for lunch and to buy my dad a new TV. Family projects are always an interesting combination of pontification, fact checking, and semi-organized chaos. This project was no different.

After purchasing the 42" flat screen, we put it in my brother's Jeep and transported it to my dad's place. Installation was hectic but the end result is that my dad has a new TV in his office and we moved the TV from his office to his home. So now it feels like he got two new toys even though there was only one.

Dinner this evening was a classic small town affair. The local Masonic Lodge was having a chili dinner so we went over for some chili and cornbread. It was a pretty lowkey affair and the food was great. Then we came back to my dad's office where I helped him with various administrative tasks and with the new TV. Also my fabulous husband helped us hook up some additional cables via phone.

After awhile there was a knock on the door and a man came in with a big container of homemade chicken noodle soup for my dad. I guess the people who own the restaurant around the corner know my dad works late a lot and they sent over some of the best soup I have ever had (homemade noodles no less). Only in a small town.

I am headed back to the Great State of Texas (the immodest state to the south) tomorrow morning. It will be good to be home but it sure has been a relaxing trip to the friendliest town ever. For example, yesterday I walked 2 blocks to the bank and while I was there I was greeted like a long lost relative and was hugged by no less than 5 people. They don't have service like that at Chase or Bank of America that's for sure. Oklahoma certainly is OK.

This weekend is the annual Academy Awards so stay tuned for my Oscar picks. I hope that my fabulous friend Stephanie is planning to share her picks too.

Drinking Is Good for You

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame, Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."~ Jack Handy

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Claven was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."~ Benjamin Franklin

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"~ Brian O'Rourke

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."~ Henny Youngman

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

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Oklahoma's OK

I swear the state motto is "Oklahoma is OK". Not great. Not the best. Just OK. Oklahoma is a very modest state unlike its neighbor to the south.

I am having a lovely time here. The weather is gorgeous and its always a lot of fun to hang out in my dad's office with "The Coffee Klatch" (as I call them). My dad's office seems to be the central meeting point for some of the folks here in Chandler, Oklahoma. They start coming by his office for coffee and gossip around 8:30 am. I get to hear a running commentary on politics, international affairs, and local gossip. (In case you were wondering, they think that Barak Obama will ultimately be the VP candidate to Hillary's Presidential candidacy in the next election.) But please don't make the mistake of thinking that this group of curmudgeons are a bunch of rednecks or hicks. Some are former senators, bankers, lawyers, and other interesting folks. All are well educated.

One interesting tidbit I picked up from a board member of a local bank is that this particular bank has grown 40% in the past year. I asked why and was told that people here are getting rich (again) from the oil business. You never hear about that these days. The way the media is reporting the energy situation it's easy to assume that just the Arabs and that crazy Chavez are making money off U.S. gas consumption but apparently lots of Oklahomans are making money too. So thank you to all the Humvee and SUV owners.

No great stories today from the Sooner State but if anything happens that is blog-worthy I will post it faster than you can say,"Oklahoma is OK".

(This really is what Manvel Ave/Route 66 in Chandler looks like. The building my dad owns and lives in is right around the corner from where this photo was taken.)

In case you are interested in the history of Chandler, OK...

Chandler, Oklahoma is a beautiful old town located on old Route 66. Chandler was founded in 1891 and has some picturesque old buildings in the downtown area. Well, the ones you see today are the survivors from a tornado that ripped through the town in 1897.

The Chandler area harks back to the days of the wild west. Cromwell, Oklahoma, a nearby town, was the scene of the last gunfight of the Wild West. Celebrated lawman Bill Tilgman lost his life in a gun battle with Wiley Lynn, a federal prohibition agent in 1924 and is buried in the Chandler cemetery. The Lincoln County Museum is a great stop off for some of the local history of the pioneers and Route 66.

Visiting

Last night Jonathan and I were happy that my fabulous friend Valerie could come stay at our house. Valerie is married to one of my oldest friends (well, he isn't old, but I have known him for more than 30 years), my fabulous friend Todd. Todd and I met in the 3rd grade and have been friends ever since. Well we've mostly been friends.

One time, in the 7th grade Todd wrote a poem (I don't recall why) that made reference to the fact that I had been a bad girl that year and would only receive coal in my stocking from Santa. Naturally I was traumatized by this experience and needed years of therapy and medication to recover. Also, Santa did not bring me any coal at all. I got some very nice gifts and candy that year. So take that Todd.

In case you are wondering, I eventually forgave Todd for the poem incident and we went on to spend a lot of time in our 20's drinking beer in various bars around Lincoln Park in Chicago. A happy ending to what could have been a tragic story of a friendship derailed.

Anyway, Val and Todd live in Dallas and sometimes, when Val is in Austin on business, she spends the night at our house in our comfy guest room. Val is a rep for some beautiful clothing lines and she sells to some boutiques in Austin. Also she looks like a model which probably helps her to sell clothes. I always get to see beautiful clothes on the cutting edge of fashion when she comes to our house. She always brings a few bottles of wine that we help her drink which means we really look forward to her visits.

I am headed up to Oklahoma to spend a few days with my dad and to attend some meetings. Its a 7 hour drive so I should probably head up there soon. I will, of course, blog from Oklahoma because the Anna Nicole Smith situation is getting crazier by the minute and it requires a lot of commentary from me and my fabulous friend Steph.

Backstage Rider - Liz

I loved my fabulous friend Stephanie's list of the demands she plans to make if she is ever invited to sing at the Grammys. Or in case she becomes a huge rock star and gets to make demands of concert venues around the world. I am really certain that is going to happen so just in case I will add my list of demands because, naturally, I plan to travel with her. Well, only to the good places like Hawaii, Paris, and Spain. Forget about Detroit, Pittsburgh, and Memphis, Texas. By the way if you want to see backstage riders for real movie and rock stars go to The Smoking Gun

So here are Liz's demands for when Steph becomes a major star:

1. I will need a quiet room reserved exclusively for my use and for that of my fabulous husband
2. The quiet room should include two 6.5 foot long couches. The couches should have down-stuffed cushions and should be covered in 600-thread count Egyptian cotton slipcovers. There should be a minimum of 4 down stuffed throw pillows on each couch
3. Wireless broadband Internet access
4. A flat screened HDTV with a minimum size of 42" and full access to all cable channels (including the dirty ones) and an XBOX 360 attached
5. One coffee table with a vase of casa blanca lilies on it
6. One dining table that seats 4 people also with a vase of casa blanca lilies on it
7. Large bowl of fresh raspberries
8. 12 pack of ice cold diet coke
9. Chamomile tea and hot water for tea
10. ice cold Miller Lite beer for my fabulous husband Jonathan
11. 2 bottles of Coppola Claret wine and 4 glasses
12. The quiet room should have an adjoining private bathroom with a jacuzzi tub, 2 Frette bath sheets, and 2 Lush bath bombs (1 Avobath and 1 Sexbomb)
13. 3 Jo Malone Grapefruit candles
14. two cashmere throw blankets
15. Land-line telephone with both local and long-distance access
16. A binder which is filled with take-out menus for every restaurant which will deliver to the venue
17. Rawhide dog bones for my fabulous dogs
18. 1 can of tuna for my fabulous cat Nigel
19. Cat litter box complete with litter and a scooper
20. A dog walker in case my fabulous dog need a walk
21. A bucket of KFC and a family sized order of KFC mac & cheese
22. 1 bottle of Oban single malt scotch for my fabulous husband
23. Fiji bottled water and an ice bucket with fresh ice
24. Tide spot-treating pen in case I spill something in myself and have to use spot remover

25. That's all I can think of right now but of course, I reserve the right to add more stuff to this list. Like Sigfried and Roy and a white tiger to entertain me if I am in the mood.

My Hospitality Rider

The picture above is of Cameron Diaz without make-up - it has nothing to do with my post, but I thought since I was talking about celebrity wants - I would include a picture of a celebrity desperately wanting/needing some make-up.

I've always read about the bizarre green room/back stage/trailer requests from celebrities, so now that I'm a pufatufnik, I feel the need to make my own list of requests (actually demands) since it's only a matter of time before I'm invited to sing at the Grammys.

Stephanie's Hospitality Rider:

1. A computer with internet access - so that I can stay up to date with all Pufatufnik activities
2. Key Lime Pie - made by my fabulous friend Liz's fabulous husband, Jonathan
3. A masseuse - because all pufatufniks need to be pampered
4. A professional dog walker - for my worst dog of the year doggie
5. A police escort (to and from venue) - because I shouldn't have to wait in traffic
6. Flamin Hot Doritos & Mac N Cheese - for my fabulous friend Liz
7. Miller Lite - for my fabulous husband
8. A copy of the most recent edition of every trash magazine (people, usweekly, in touch, OK, etc.) - so that I can stay up to date on me
9. A bowl of blue peanut butter M&Ms and a bowl of red dark chocolate M&Ms - because they're yummy.
10. 5 Clean Cotton Candles from Yankee Candle - I'm sure the celebrity in the room before me was stinky . . . probably Paris.
11. Sonic tater tots - because they're yummy and compliment the M&Ms
12. Life cereal and skim milk - because it's yummy
13. Grey Goose Vodka - because everyone else seems to ask for it
14. Cristal champagne - because everyone else seems to ask for it
15. White tuna with lots of extra garlic sauce - because its yummy

Okay, well that's the start of my list. I bet my fabulous friend Liz can come up with a really good list for herself.

Prince Harry to Deploy to Iraq?!

I am no military strategist but doesn't it seem a little nuts to send one of the world's wealthiest and most famous people to the front line in Iraq? I know Prince Harry is a soldier and I think it's admirable that he wants to fight alongside his fellow soldiers. But seriously, even the other British soldiers are calling him a "bullet magnet".

The Royal Navy is going to have to expend some serious resources in protecting him from the crazies over there. If they don't do so I think its pretty likely that he could be shot or kidnapped by al Queda. It seems pretty counter productive to send a man who is third in line to the throne into a war zone. He will be a distraction and a target. Too bad that he won't be able to simply do his job as a soldier.

Wait a minute....maybe the Brits are onto a great idea. Maybe we can send some of our wealthy and famous people to Iraq. It wouldn't break my heart if Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, or Britney Spears was kidnapped in Iraq (or anywhere else either - please see my ad on page 45 of Soldier of Fortune Magazine). No one (except maybe a really hot Marine recruiter) will convince the triumvirate to enlist in the army but I'll bet it wouldn't be hard to trick them into going to Iraq. Just drop some small shiny objects on a table and while they stare vacantly at the pretty shiny things tell them in a soft hypnotic voice that there is great shopping in Baghdad. That would work.

Then fine folks in al Queda can do our dirty work for us. Can you imagine the scene when Paris (or Lindsey or Britney - insert name here) showed up in Iraq in her usual skimpy outfit? Muslim extremists would throw a blanket over her and toss her in the trunk of a car faster than you can say, "Iran's got nukes."

I am pretty sure that the US govt. wouldn't rush to rescue them. Although the tabloids and some of LA's popular clubs would probably take up a collection to pay for their return and for the rights to their story because otherwise they risk going out of business. Yes my evil plan is taking shape now. Stay tuned for more information on "Operation Desert Bimbo" soon.

Well Played Britney, Well Played.

It looks like Britney Spears just couldn't stand the fact that now-dead Anna Nicole Smith stole the spotlight from her.

I can imagine Britney thinking to herself, "That bitch. Who does she think she is? I am America's pop princess. She may be dead but I am way more important. What ever could I do to get media attention now?" Her first idea must have been to check into rehab because that has been a foolproof way for other f--ed up celebs to get some attention. But no one really covered that. She probably got to the rehab center in Antigua and thought to herself, "Hey where are the paparazzi? Oh, man. I should have gone to a rehab center in L.A. where I they could find me. I shouldn't have flown 8,000 miles away! Now what am I going to do? What is the point of rehab if it doesn't get you press coverage?"

So, 24 hours later, when it became clear that no one was going to pay any attention to the fact that she went to rehab she left and flew back to LA. What the hell did they do to her during her 24 hours in rehab anyway?

When she gets to LA she must have thought, "Egads! I've got it. I will shave my head. That is how I can get some press. Take that Dead Anna Nicole. Take that Howard K. Stern!!" Britney, you crazy kid...we love ya.

Is Danielynn Hope Marshall Smith in Danger?!?!

The Anna Nicole Smith Death/Burial/Child Paternity debacle continues. I love a media circus as much as the next paparazzi-addicted American but, even for me, this situation is unreal. Yesterday I watched part of the Florida hearing over who gets to bury Anna's body. Crazy town. Seems pretty clear to me: Anna purchased a burial plot next to the one in which her son is buried in the Bahamas so she should be buried there. But of course that is too simple and easy for all of the vultures involved in this case. This is like something out of a nightmare or a Twilight Zone episode. With that said, this case seems to be every attorney's wet dream.

In addition to the fight over her cold dead body I am equally repulsed and fascinated by the 4 or 5 way fight over the paternity of little Daniellynn. OMG, that Anna Nicole sure liked to, uh, how shall I say this delicately? She sure liked to copulate. I almost wrote "make love" but I don't think she felt love for all of the guys she apparently had sex with in January 2006. Even though she was probably completely hammered at the time I can't believe she could stand the thought of sex (or even a handshake) with a couple of the goblins who claim they could be the father. (Have you seen Zsa Zsa's husband?! His eyes look like little slits that are being eaten by caterpillars. I felt a little ill and had to stop eating my ice cream sandwich when he came on the news...yikes.)

Last night I caught part of MSNBC's Showbiz Tonight when I was flipping through the channels. I don't usually watch that particular entertainment news show but since they said they were going to talk about Anna Nicole I decided to see what they had to say. Holy guacamole. I can't believe how desperate all the "news" outlets are to talk about the Anna situation. The headline for the segment was "Is Danillynn in Danger?" They didn't specify what kind of danger that the tot might be in but they certainly seemed eager to speculate about the varying degrees of parental fitness of each of the father-candidates.

They followed up the discussion of the Danillynn Danger Level (currently TSA has set the Daniellynn Danger Level [DDL] at Orange) with a discussion of "lessons learned from Anna's life". WTF? MSNBC thinks its newsworthy to talk about the fact that consuming nothing but booze and drugs may lead to death? Be serious. Apparently the producers thought it was a crucial enough issue to bring out the big guns in the form of expert drug/alcohol/rage addict Danny Bonaduce.

Yeah, you heard right. Danny Bonaduce, the D-lister who has recently developed an affinity for showing up to LA events shirtless, is now an expert on ways that Hollywood starlets like Paris, Lindsey, and Britney (they were mentioned specifically) can avoid Anna's fate. Danny had some keen insights including, "Someone has to care enough to intervene and stop their self destructive behavior" and "I am not surprised that Anna is dead. I am only surprised she lived as long as she did". I sure hope Danny gets his own news show because I think the whole country could use that kind of insightful wisdom. At the end of the 5 minute interview I actually felt dumber than before I watched. Also my eyes started bleeding.

The discussion of whether or not Daniellynn is in "danger" has become a staple element in nearly every story about the Anna situation. No one talks about what kind of danger the most famous baby on the planet (next to Suri and Shiloh of course) could possibly be in at this point. My guess is that she was in much more danger in Anna's womb, given the amount of methadone Anna may have taken while pregnant, than she is right now. I am pretty sure that Howard K. Stern and his family are feeding and caring for her. It wouldn't help the paternity case much if a judge sees a malnourished, bruised, or beaten child. So, my guess is that right now little Dani is about as safe as she is she is ever going to be.

Danny Bondauce did share one insight that I thought was spot on and that no one else seems to be discussing. He pointed out that if Anna's mother is given custody of the baby that it is very likely that the baby will eventually walk in Anna's footsteps and, perhaps, will meet a similar fate that her mother did. I wholeheartedly agree. Sending a baby to live with white trash in Texas is seldom a good idea unless the only alternative is sending the kid to Thailand to participate in the thriving child sex industry there.

Anna hated her mother and left home at 15 to work as a stripper. That isn't really a ringing endorsement of ole Grandma's parenting skills. I think the kid will be in more danger if she is sent to live with her relatives, many of whom have never met Anna yet have still seen fit to write tell-all books about her. The surprising part is that any of her relatives could string enough words together to form enough coherent sentences for a book. Clearly something went awry in Anna's upbringing or she wouldn't have become the uneducated, drugged up, alcoholic, geriatric-loving adult that she became.

Daniellyn isn't in danger yet but as soon as that poor kid starts to read and learns about her heritage I think she is in danger of jumping off a bridge. Or ODing. Right now she is probably a normal baby with no understanding of the crazy world into which she was born. I just hope that once the dust settles she is placed in a home with a loving, non-media-whore, non-drug-using parent who loves her and will provide an education for her. Maybe then she will have a chance. Nah, that won't happen. Stay tuned in 20 years...history, sadly, is destined to repeat itself.

Amusing Thought for the Day: Incompetence

This cracks me up. It also reminds me of some people I have met over the years. They have no idea who they are of course.

Response to Comments and Talkback

For those of you who read this blog on a regular or occasional basis you may have noticed that some people comment on the posts. I am not sure if you read the comments (some are very funny) but they are my favorite thing about the blog. I thought I would take this opportunity to respond to some of the comments made on or about this blog.

We got a few more baby name suggestions for Ron & Kathleen (see Feb 12 entry) from Stephanie and Jonathan:

Stephanie writes:
Here are some of my ideas:

Pokolin (I think I already mentioned) - a beautiful combination of our last names.
Naygue - another beautiful combination of our (Liz's & Steph's) married last names.
Leenon - doesn't mean anything, but sounds kind of alien.

Jonathan proposes:

May as well prepare the kid for celebrity and pick your own combo-name! (Brangelina, Bennifer, etc.) I'd go with Rathleen or Kon myself. But you could Roth or Kathlon too.

Our February 12th blog which proposes some awesome baby names to my fabulous friends Ron & Kathleen. Ron replied:

Inventive and interesting names, all. However, even at the risk of being just a little too cute, we probably are going to continue on with our precedent of consonantal alliteration and go with Vivian. (Etymology: Latin, Meaning: Lively)
We definitely don't want one that's on to one of those stupid top ten lists. BTW - Speaking of names, WTF does pufatufniks mean?

Well I have to say that while we proposed some awesome names (my favorite is Jedi) I can see why Ron might bypass our suggestions for a more traditional name. Vivian is a lovely name and one that is less likely than Jedi, Kon, or Leenon (WTF?) to cause the child to receive beatings and ridicule in grammar school.

In response to the February 13 blog which discusses Anna Nicole Smith's death (murder?) alert reader Big Dave pointed out that:

You forgot about the AstroNut Marie Novak

Well Big Dave you are correct that I omitted the Astronut™ from the Anna Nicole murder suspect list. However I didn't forget about the nation's most recognized astronaut (could you pick any other astronaut out of a lineup?), I omitted her because she has an alibi and lacked the means and opportunity to kill the incomparable Ms. Smith. Let me explain:

Marie Novak is, as far as we know, a first-time criminal and a non-celebrity. She personally stalked her presumed romantic rival rather than outsourcing the stalking to a professional, or even to a competent amateur. On Feb 6th Ms. Novak was in the custody of the Florida police. Since that time she has either been in a Florida jail or back in Texas on a $25,000 bond with a court appointed ankle bracelet adorning her leg. Since Anna Nicole met her maker on Feb 8th, Marie couldn't have killed Anna Nicole. Further, I think that it is certain that the Astronut's™ financial resources have been frozen or are at least under scrutiny by the police. Or by her soon-to-be ex-husband who has got to be hating life these days.

How embarrassing would it be to have to admit that your wife is that mental? It's one thing to privately know that you are married to a crazy person but its another thing entirely when it becomes nationally known that she is a diaper wearing, mace carrying, romantically deluded, and socially retarded stalker. And what about her kids? Apparently she has 3 of them, all of whom should just go ahead and pick a therapist because they are going to need therapy and anti-depressants for the foreseeable future.

And finally, I was very excited about the following posts from Steve and Whitney:

Alright, I'm hooked. I've been reading the blog for a while now and have to admit I can't stop visiting. Liz!, you have a quite disturbing view of the world...keep it up.

Whitney says:

Love the blog girls! It provides me great humor at work! Wonder if Jessica has been back to HEB to visit her "friend." Hahahahha!!

We love it when people leave comments on our blog so keep on talking to us. It's always nice to know that someone besides our husbands' reads and is amused by our blog. If you want to suggest topics for us to blog about please do so...we are always open to suggestions.

In the meantime have a wonderful Valentine's Day. For those of you in Chicago I hope that you stay warm that you don't have to drive at all today. I don't miss Chicago's winters but I can't wait to get back to the city during Cubs season.

Oh also, I think Jonathan is excited about his golf trip to San Antonio with Dick, Dave, and Steve in March. Jonathan and I are going to be spending some quality time at the driving range between now and then. I am planning to drive down to San Antonio and see you guys for drinks one night while you are in the Great State of Texas. You really should plan a golf trip to Austin because this place has more than 30 golf courses in the area. Not to mention great BBQ and all the beer you can handle. Oh, did I mention all the hot young chicks that hang out at Lake Austin....

If I Was A Pageant Queen . . .

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

Valentine's Day has absolutely nothing to do with this post, but since it is in fact Valentine's Day I felt it would be an huge omission if I did not mention it.

So back to the topic at hand - if I was a pageant queen. My fabulous friend Liz and I and two other fabulous friends Whitney & Jessica went to this women's networking event (even though there were also men at the event - whats up Scotty) last night. I attended the event wearing glorified work out clothes and needless to say, most (all) other attendees were dressed much nicer than I. In fact there were even some pageant queens there - I think they were kind of obscure ones like Miss. Sulfer Springs and Ms. 7/11 on the corner of Bee Caves and 360, but it got me thinking, what could I be the pageant queen of?

Here are some ideas:

Ms. Pufatufnik - Ms., because it's no one's business if I'm a married crack whore or not. We would compete in categories like, Trampy Evening Wear and Stealing Wallets. I figure there aren't many Pufatufniks who can string 7 words together to make a sentence, so I'd kill in the Convince a Cop to Let You Go category.

Miss. Owner of the Worst Dog 2007 - Perhaps you've seen my post on Molly who on this very cold day in Austin, Texas is making me keep the back door open so that she can go in and out when ever she pleases. I'm wearing 5 layers of clothes to stay warm.

Miss. Crazy Christmas - I absolutely love Christmas, but I'm also a little lazy - I still have Christmas decorations up and for this achievement I think I could win a pageant.

Here are some of my ideas for some of my fabulous friends:

Liz - Ms. Blogger or Ms. Law and Order or Ms. Bath Song or Ms. Game Cheater (see her post from a couple of days ago). To know Liz, is to love her and she could win so many bizarre pageants.

Jessica - Miss. Make a Child Pee When You Tutor Them - this is a seriously hilarious story and very true. It sounds kinda dirty, right? - but she's actually so good at teaching - She makes children pee.

Whitney - Miss. Tell Me All Your Secrets - apparently, Whitney is told random secrets from complete strangers. She doesn't really keep it a secret for very long (she comes to tell all the other Pufatufniks), but that's not the name of the pageant, so it doesn't matter.

Hope - Miss. No Blogging, but Really Funny When I do Blog. - Hope is funny when she blogs, to bad she's only done it like 3 times in the last 2 months.

Okay, so there are some of my ideas for my own pageant career and those of some of my friends. Happy Valentine's Day to all Pufatuniks!

Who Killed Anna Nicole Smith??

The foremost question on every mind these days is "Who killed Anna Nicole?" For those of you who listen to NPR, and, therefore, don't know about this important story, I would just say that you really need to get with the program and start watching the real news which you can find on the E! channel. You know who you are.

I think it is pretty clear that Anna Nicole was murdered. Accidental death? No way. Her body had developed an elephant-like tolerance for drugs and alcohol. No way would a little Valium or methadone take that girl down.

If you have ever seen an interview with her, watched her "reality show" (also on E!), or watched any of her testimony in the trial for her dead husband's money you will agree that she didn't seem like a particularly nice or coherent person. I can't imagine what spending time with her must have been like. It must have been surreal and depressing. It stands to reason that anyone who spent a lot of time around her would, therefore, have had motive to off her. What makes no sense is why they would have waited so long. I would think that any normal person who spent 15 minutes in the same room with that broad would have run screaming from the building. Or in search of a gun. But I am not sure that anyone close to her killed her. I may be the only person in America who feels kind of sorry for Howard K. Stern. He was with her for 15 years and had no other job. No person would be crazy or desperate enough to hang around that goofball for 15 years if he didn't truly care about her. As weird as that sounds.

Who are other possible suspects? Think about who has benefited from her death...

Brad and Angelina and their kids are not on the front page for the first time in about 2 years.

Paris Hilton and her bigoted comments aren't getting the ink they normally would.

A crotch shot of Britney Spears hasn't been published since Anna's death.

Lindsey Lohan has been practically invisible for the past week.

President Bush and the war in Iraq (what you NPR listeners would call "real news") are barely even mentioned on CNN, MSNBC, and Fox anymore.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have all but been been forgotten in the wake of Anna's death.

I think its clear that Paris, Britney, and Lindsey are too coked up and stupid to get Anna murdered. Can you imagine the three of them having a conversation about murdering anyone? "We should, like, kill her. That would be so hot." They would completely screw it up too. Britney would wind up dead, Paris would have sex with whatever guy they were paying to kill Anna, and Lindsey would be late and drunk for the whole event. Also Paris would make a videotape of those the three stooges conspiring which would land them all in prison. So if they tried to do the deed we would certainly have already found out about it on Access Hollywood.

Brad and Angelina might have conspired to sneak drugs into her booze (you know she died from drugs) but I think that they are too consumed with their desire to adopt every child on the African continent to make the time to have Anna killed.

President Bush is a great candidate for two reasons: (a) Anna diverts attention from the anger toward and distrust of his policies that have dominated the news for the past few years, (b) J. Howard Marshall's family is a wealthy Texas family who probably know and are friends with the Bushes. Killing Anna would be killing (literally) two birds with one stone.

But I think that Tom Cruise is probably the real culprit here. He is diabolical, controlling, and sneaky and he has just about had it with the media's conspiracy to spread nasty rumors about him, his wife, and his beloved Church of Scientology. He is rich enough to hire a ninja contract killer (like in that James Bond movie) to sneak into Anna's bedroom and drip just a little bit of untraceable poison in her mouth while she is sleeping and then sneak out undetected. Yeah, that is how it happened.

Anyway, I continue to be fascinated by her death because it's such a train wreck. Just like her life was. I don't think Tom will ever be convicted of her murder. Mainly because her family and friends are so money-hungry and crazy that the police and the media will just focus on them and never look for the "real" killer. Also Tom's contract killer would be too clever and would have too many cool gadgets to help him/her escape after the murder. The killer is probably already sequestered in a Church of Scientology Celebrity Center in the Australian outback. Never to be seen again.

For Your Consideration: Possible Names for Ron & Kathleen's Baby Girl

Now for the moment that you all (OK, maybe just Ron) have been waiting for. Drum roll. Here are the top 11 names that you and Kathleen should consider for your baby girl.

1. Bethanie
A great suggestion by Stephanie because this name is a mixture of both Elizabeth and Stephanie. I love where your head is at on this one!

2. Anna Nicole
You could pay homage to a recently deceased celebrity. However, if you name your daughter Anna Nicole you run a slight risk that your daughter will be predisposed to making many bad decisions. And possibly dropping a lot of acid.

3. Adaira
This is a Scottish name (Greek in origin) which means beauty. Aww...

4. Mirabelle
This is a French name (Latin origin) which means incredible beauty.

5. Jedi
This would be a great name if you want to name your child the Hebrew word for "Friend of God" or "Beloved by God" while also paying homage to the Star Wars trilogy. There is a good chance that if you name her Jedi she will never have any friends so be prepared for her to live at home until she is about 45 years old.

6. Isabella
Spanish for Elizabeth. I had to make another plug for the name Elizabeth even if it is in another language.

7. Lauren
A lovely name and also a high end clothing line.

8. Hailey
The great thing about this name is that none of the "young Hollywood" party crowd has sullied it yet like they have the names Paris, Lindsey, and Britney.

9. Emily
This was the most popular name for baby girls born in the U.S. in 2005. This name is SO last season.

10. Klementina
This name means merciful in Russian. Hopefully your daughter will be merciful and forgive you for bestowing upon her a name that sounds an awful lot like those delicious seedless oranges.

11. Odelina
Odelina is German for "Wealthy"? It's good to be optimistic about a child's future!

So, what do you think? Any winners here?

Tips For Winning At Trivial Pursuit

Last night Jonathan and I hung out with our fabulous friends Matt and Steph. Not an unusual Saturday night. Matt and Steph brought take out Chinese and the 90's edition of Trivial Pursuit. Steph and I challenged Matt and Jonathan to a game. We lost but only because the guys got some ridiculously easy questions toward the end of the game. Really. In any case, I thought I would share with you the secrets to winning a game of Trivial Pursuit.

1. Know the answers. It's easiest if you are very smart, you have watched and retained the plots of every movie ever made, and you have memorized the entire Encyclopedia Britannica.

2. Roll the exact number you need to play for a piece of pie. I recommend loaded dice if you have some handy.

3. Try not to play the game drunk. OK, I know that will be really tough.

4. Modify the questions when it's your turn to ask questions of the other team. I like to only read the other team/players part of the question. Or find the hardest question on the card and, regardless of the color your opponent lands on, ask the hardest question.

5. When the other team/player isn't looking you should read and memorize the questions and answers on the next card in the deck.

6. Get the other team/players drunk. Add vodka to whatever they are drinking when they aren't looking. Soon they will be slurring, mumbling, and nodding off.

7. No matter what answer the other team gives to a question you should tell them that it's incorrect. If they ask to see the answer you should rip up the card and eat it before they can find out you lied.

8. Remember the old Handlin saying, "If you aren't cheating then you aren't really trying to win." The shortened version is, "If you aren't cheating, you aren't trying."

End of Liz's Chicago Trip and Return to Austin

This poster has nothing to do with today's blog post...I just think it's really funny.

I had a lovely dinner with my fabulous friends Hope and Dave last night. We went to Club Lucky in Chicago for some delicious pasta and martinis. I love Chicago nightlife. Thanks for a great time Hope and Dave!!

My flight today was on time and uneventful so now I am back in Austin. It's good to be home. Now I am watching the Broward County Medical Examiner's press conference on Anna Nicole's death. This whole situation is so sad and bizarre although maybe not all that surprising given her lifestyle. I predict a huge legal battle over her daughter and her estate. That poor baby daughter of hers just has no chance to have a normal life.

Liz's Trip To Chicago: Day 2

Well day 2 of my trip to the frozen Yukon got off to a shaky start. Hope and I walked 5 blocks from her house to the el train this morning. It was 10 degrees outside. At least there was no wind...in Chicago you have to take what you get get weather-wise. It was about 8:40 am when we arrived at the Damon el stop which is about 15 minutes from downtown. I had a 9 am appointment at my dentist (very important) so the timing should have worked out perfectly. But of course it did not work out at all.

As we walked up the steps to the el my fabulous friend Hope astutely pointed out that the throng of people descending from the el was a bad sign. No one commutes to Hope's neighborhood except maybe the grungy teenagers who work at the 400 coffee shops in the area. As soon as we got to the track we found out that a train had broken down and they had no idea when the trains would be running again. Thanks for the help CTA employees. As far as I was concerned this was a disaster of epic proportions because the only way to get downtown in 15 minutes from Bucktown is the el. Bus or cab will take you about 25 minutes.

Naturally competition for cabs in sub-freezing weather during rush hour is fierce. Fortunately it took me about 20 seconds to connect with my city-girl persona. While Hope was trying to call Yellow Cab (motto: Screw You) I noticed an empty cab about a block away. In a scene reminiscent of one of those Avis commercials that OJ did in his pre-murder years I vaulted over newspaper stands, hurdled trash cans, and tossed an old woman into traffic to secure our ride. Scruples and manners are highly over rated in the cut throat world of Chicago transportation.

Anyway, long story short I was 15 minutes late to see my dentist. But it turned out OK because they said they could see me at 3 pm. Crisis averted.

Then I had some other errands, a luncheon appointment, and a trip to Neiman's before I could rush back to Hope's fabulous apartment to check email and deal with my frostbite. On my way to run errands I got a call from my fabulous (fabulous, not to be confused with fancy) friend Ron. Ron is a huge fan of Pufatufniks. In fact he may be our only fan but he is loyal and that is really what counts. Quality not quantity is what make a great fan base.

Ron and I went to graduate school together. He had the distinction of being the only person who did less work than I did in a certain class that we won't discuss here because I don't want anyone to disbelieve Ron's claim that he is the only person to ever graduate from U of C's GSB program with a 4.5 GPA.

Ron and his fabulous wife Kathleen are expecting their second child in April. Their son Vincent (try calling him Vinnie and see what a lovely shade of red Ron turns) is so adorable. He is going to break some hearts when he grows up! Anyway, the soon-to-be-baby-Villa is a girl. Naturally I suggested to Ron that he name his sure-to-be-gorgeous-and-brilliant-daughter Elizabeth. Sadly Ron shot this idea down on the grounds that he already has both a sister and a friend (me I suppose) named Elizabeth. I guess I can understand his reluctance to populate the world with too many Elizabeths. The question is: what should Ron and Kathleen's daughter be named?

I think that for a future blog post (maybe tomorrow if I don't blog about Anna Nicole Smith instead) we should create a list of potential names for Ron and Kathleen to choose from.

If you haven't met this lovely couple you should know that they are both classy, smart, successful, extremely fabulous, very beautiful, and very well dressed. Also either one of them could drink your average rugby player under that table in less than an hour. Well Ron could, Kathleen only weighs about 80 pounds so I doubt if rugby binge drinking records have anything to fear from her. Given that vivid description of the parents what are some possible names for baby girl Villa? Stay tuned and I will list all names that make any sense at all....

Liz's Trip to Chicago: Day 1

Well once again I attempted to fly from Austin to Chicago for business. As you may recall I tried to fly to Chicago at the end of January but my flight was cancelled two days in a row at which point I threw in the towel and just reschedule for Feb 7 - 10. It was pretty inconvenient to have to cancel the trip as I had both personal and business appointments scheduled. But what can you do when Austin is completely iced over? Nothing.

My flight to Chicago was supposed to leave today (Feb 7) at 2:45 pm. I noticed when I checked-in online yesterday afternoon that my flight was maybe half full. I viewed that as a good thing from a comfort perspective. I planned to work, pack, and generally get ready to go until about 1 pm today when I had planned to leave for the airport. But, alas, it was not to be. I got a call from a far-too-cheerful American Airlines employee at 9 am this morning informing me that my 2:45 pm flight had been cancelled because of weather in Chicago. She followed this bombshell with an offer to put me on a 12:10 pm flight or a 5:45 pm flight to Chicago.

What??! That makes no sense at all. If the weather is SO awful that they have to cancel flights 6 hours in advance then how is it that a flight leaving 3 hours earlier and one leaving 3 hours later than the scheduled flight would be safe to fly?! Based upon long experience I knew that the 12:10 pm flight was the only option because when they start cancelling flights the ones leaving later are always at the most risk.

I agreed to fly at 12:10 which meant that I had to rush around and make all of my preparations in an hour. I had no time to do my hair which is now a mess. I had no time to update a couple of resumes for my clients. I am tired, frazzled, behind on my work, and generally pissed off at the liars at American Airlines. That flight wasn't cancelled because of the weather in Chicago (it's sunny and about 15 degrees here). It was cancelled because the flight wasn't full. Period. End of story.

Once again American Airlines has caused me extreme inconvenience and hassle. I don't know what is wrong with these people. It's pretty clear that they aren't running an actual airline as much as an occasional shuttle service. This is starting to feel like a visit to the Caribbean where you never know if your bus, car, flight, or boat will show up or not. Maybe the folks at American Airlines have taken up the Caribbean pastime of drinking rum punch all day.

I was originally supposed to arrive in Chicago at 5:45 pm today at which point a colleague of mine was supposed to pick me up at O'Hare for a pre-planned dinner in the far west suburbs. Since my schedule now skews earlier I had to pay $45 for a semi-retarded young man to drive me to Elgin, Illinois. This kid just didn't believe me when I told him that 450 Airport Road (my destination) was not on the same side of the street as 405 Airport Road.

He literally drove into every driveway on the other side of the road (all with odd numbered addresses) to make sure that 450 wasn't on that side of the street. We spent 15 extra minutes investigating every hotel and business on the other side of Airport Road before he finally conceded to drive across the street to #450. This is why I don't own or carry firearms. My lack of patience combined with bullets and gunpowder would land me in jail faster than you can say, "Idiotmobile".

So now I am catching up on email, blogging, and returning phone calls until our dinner at 7pm. After dinner I will pay another driver $112 to drive me downtown to Hope's condo where I am spending the night.

I was supposed to stay here until Saturday but I managed to pack a lot of appointments into my day tomorrow and I have changed my flight so I can return to Austin on Friday. I think that it is not meant for me to stay here for more than a day. My flight has been cancelled 3 times in a row, the weather is freezing, and it seems like this trip is becoming inconvenient for all concerned. Maybe it's just best if I stay home and off of airplanes for the foreseeable future.

Thought For The Day: Mistakes

Some days I honestly feel this statement applies to me. But at least I am helping society in some small way. And also I never engage in body painting. Or taking my top off in public. And both of those things certainly help society and keep me out of prison.

Why the Puppy Bowl is Better than the Superbowl

The folks at Animal Planet are a bunch of alternative programming geniuses! For those of you not familiar with it, The Puppy Bowl is four continuous hours of puppies - playing with chew toys, sniffing each others' butts and drinking water in a small enclosed area decorated like a football field. There's not a whole lot of human commentary during the 4 hour game, but it's oddly addictive. Here are my top 10 reasons why the Puppy Bowl is better than the Superbowl.

10. For the cat lovers, there is a kitty half time show - Kitties invade the football field while the puppies take a much needed nap. There's less butt sniffing, but more butt licking in this show.

9. Time-outs for puppies making doodie on the field (poor referee has to clean it up, but I don't think you'll ever see that in the NFL, although it might be fun if they did.)

8. Animal Planet provides you with a line-up of the players and even ideas of how to plan the perfect Puppy Bowl party: http://animal.discovery.com/convergence/puppybowl/puppybowl.html

7. Replays of cute puppy activities.

6. Minimal human commentary. I find most sports commentary pretty stupid and I'm happy to report that Animal Planet commentators don't try too hard to come up with stuff to say while the puppies are playing.

5. No penalties - well, no real ones anyways - the puppies are always very sweet and play by the rules.

4. Puppies watching Puppy Bowl. Sometimes the Puppies watching the Puppy Bowl on T.V. were just as fun as the puppies playing.

3. Back-to-Back showings. Animal Planet showed the Puppy Bowl twice last night and although I didn't watch the show twice - it was nice to have something to flip back to when there wasn't anything else on t.v.

2. Water Bowl Camera. A camera angle from underneath the water bowl. The puppies spent more time digging at the water than drinking it.

1. Puppies are so much cuter than un-cute football players. (Puppies may be as cute as those hot football players, but there weren't alot of them in Colts v. Bears.)

Next year, if you're looking for something to watch because there's nothing else on (besides the Superbowl) tune in to Animal Planet for some fun puppy watching.