Paris's New Fragrance

Paris back to jail, is a weeper.

I'd really like to say that I'm above all this Paris crap but the truth is I've been chasing after this story like a 2-year-old chases a cat. Not Nigel, of course, because any kid that chases Nigel quickly receives a bare-clawed, "flashing fur" style kung-fu, pain-induced lesson about chasing cats. I've seen it happen. It haunts my dreams.

So Paris is headed back to jail. I, for one, am happy as hell about it. I did a little happy dance in my cube at work when I heard the news. The Running Man followed by a quick Swim, if you must know.

Did she commit any grievous crime aside from being a drippy, self-involved, walking waste of space? Not really, but what she did was even worse. The lesson here is not to screw with the law. Screw other people (Paris isn't even that good at that, I've seen the tape), screw yourself (haven't seen that tape but sign me up!), really whatever you want to screw is perfectly okay but leave the law out of it. Martha learned her lesson, suck it up and learn yours Paris.

I am please to announce that inherited wealth does not always buy you a get out of jail card, although it can buy you a driver. Maybe you should try that next time, Paris. For now, use your mega-bux to buy an industrial-sized box of prison approved tissues because you'll need them over the next 40 days.

Paris Hilton is Having A Bad Day

Unless you live in an underground bunker of some kind and don't get internet or newspaper delivery you have probably heard that after 3 days in jail, Paris Hilton was released in the dead of night due to "medical issues". Probably due to public outrage and intense media coverage the LA City Attorney released some angry statements to the press about how Paris should still be in jail. Then the City Attorney filed papers with the judge who sentenced Paris in the first place to ask for a hearing to figure out why the hell anyone let this spoiled brat out of jail.

In spite of the fact that a new Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff was just nominated today (Admiral Michael Mullen in case you are interested), Paris Hilton is again dominating all the cable news channels. What? You wonder if the network news channels are covering important news in DC instead of the latest installment of "Paris is a useless bitch"? The answer is "no" because there is no network news at midday - only soap operas.

Anyway, Paris was taken from her home in handcuffs and some enterprising cameraman got the money shot of her crying in the back of a police car. I would feel sorry for anyone else who was crying that hard except Paris Hilton. Fox News showed some footage taken by the TV show EXTRA of the inside of Paris's house which was hilarious. In her home, Paris has a huge poster of herself on the wall and every flat surface is covered with framed photos of herself either alone or with other people. Mostly just photos of her by herself. Maybe that was her problem in jail - not enough glamour shots of herself on the wall. Perhaps if they posted her mug shot in her cell she would feel more at home? I will email the LA County Sheriff with that idea later and see how it goes over.

Where do I start making fun of this? She is such a narcissistic and spoiled rich brat that it is impossible to feel any pity for her at all. For anything. If she were kidnapped by Al Queda terrorists (hint: see my ads in Soldier of Fortune Magazine and Arab Terrorist Monthly) I wouldn't feel sorry for her....I would feel sorry for them for having to put up with all of her b.s.

I am certain that Paris will be back in jail tonight. Unless her lawyer can prove that she needs electroshock therapy there is pretty much no health "issue" that the jail's medical center can't deal with. So she is screwed and will have to go back to jail.

I think the reason the sheriff released her was that the jailers were so sick of having her there that they were willing to accept any excuse to get rid of her. Apparently in her cell there was some kind of an emergency button that inmates can push if they have a medical emergency. Reportedly she was pushing the button constantly and telling her jailers that she was cold and needed more blankets. When she wasn't pushing the emergency button she was wailing, shrieking, and crying. Also she was refusing to eat. In other words she was being a royal pain in the ass and everyone was sick of having her there. Plus, as a bonus, if they kick Paris out of jail they get 2 extra beds which they can use for other inmates since she occupied a whole room to herself.

I wish I could hear her shrink and her lawyer explain to the judge what the "medical issues" were that necessitated that she leave prison for the comforts of home. I wonder if they could get thrown in jail for being stupid enough to suggest to the sheriff that she was too sick to be in jail? Or maybe the judge will just clunk their heads together like they used to do in the Three Stooges.

For those of you who don't watch much TV I would like to emphasize the a few hours before turning herself into jail she was walking the red carpet at the MTV Awards and she didn't seem one bit sick. Stupid, yes. Sick, no. She did look a little ill when MTV Awards Host Sarah Silverman made fun of her on stage. It's hard to imagine that she contracted any illness either physical or mental within the span of 72 hours which necessitated that she should leave jail.

Anyway, she will go back to jail...I am pretty sure of that. I think the Sheriff will be in trouble with the Judge who made it very clear when he sentenced Paris to jail that she had to stay in jail and not house arrest. I also predict that some of the employees at the jail will either quit or commit suicide after being subjected to more of Paris's theatrics.

The only question that remains is this: If Anna Nicole had died at the same time as Paris's latest legal debacle occurred, who would have gotten more coverage? Who would have dominated the news in the trailer trash vs. rich waste of space media showdown? I don't know the answer, it's kind of like that age old question: if a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a noise?

BREAKING NEWS: CNN Reports that Paris was ordered back to jail and was dragged out of court screaming for her mother. Seriously, I am not making that last part up.

Paris is Finally In Jail

So Paris Hilton is finally in jail and is making more news than ever. I would love to say that this is because it's a slow news day but, sadly, it is because the media is obsessed with her skinny ass. I can't figure it out but she is such a jerk that I have to make fun of her here at Pufatufniks.

Someone is supposedly auctioning off one of the jail jumpsuits that she tried on when she got to the LA jail in which she currently resides. Personally, I think this is fake because the jumpsuit is the property of LA County and I can't believe that anyone authorized a jailhouse flunkie to sell one of their jail suits. I couldn't find the auction on ebay so maybe this rumor isn't true at all.

Someone has created a game that allows you to make license plates as Paris in jail. Kind of cute. Check it out here.

I think that while the media is giving daily reports on what Paris is supposedly doing and how she is behaving in jail the reality is that she probably isn't doing much of anything. She is in solitary confinement and is allowed 3 books or magazines at any one time. She isn't allowed her blackberry or cell phone. So what is Paris doing all day?

My money says she sleeps most of the day and spends the rest of her time trying to figure out what the words say in US Magazine. Or maybe she just looks at all the pictures and drools. This is a first for her: she is alone and only has reading material to keep her company. A lot of people use prison as a chance to study or to read actual books. Paris won't do this. For one thing, 23 days just isn't enough for her to work her way through all the words in East of Eden. Maybe she could get through See Spot Run while she is in the slammer.

I heard that she was planning to keep a jailhouse diary and get it published once she gets out. The crazy thing about this world is that some publisher will probably pay her a bunch of money for her diary (if she keeps one). I just don't think that even the most pop-culture-centric of publishers will be able to create a market for 23 pages of frowney faces accompanied by comments like "this suks" or "I sad".

Texas Chili

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 : Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff ? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 : Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.

Chili # 3 : Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili # 4 : Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? That 300-lb *** is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 : Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.

Chili # 6 : Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 : Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4- inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 : Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

Is Lindsay Lohan An Alcoholic or Just A Fun Loving Scamp?

Recently there has been a lot of media coverage of Lindsay Lohan's (LiLo) most recent drunken car crash. Actually there is pretty much non-stop of media coverage (by coverage, I mean obsession) of Lilo's non-stop partying, drug taking, temper tantrum throwing, drunk driving, screaming fits, public crotch flashing, and generally classy behavior. For the past two nights the "charming", and by "charming" I really mean terrifying, Nancy Grace has dedicated her entire program on Fox to discussing LiLo and her issues.

Ms. Grace isn't the only "journalist" who has devoted a crazy amount of airtime to discussing LiLo and her problems which I think is nuts considering everything else that is going on in the world. I guess with the demise of Anna Nicole the talking heads have to fill that void with another trainwreck and LiLi fits the bill.

Ms. Grace has trotted out various experts who all seem to agree that LiLo has a serious drinking and drug problem. Some of them even think that her behaviour will lead to death if she doesn't immediately get the serious help that only full time rehab can offer. I love the drama and terror that these folks bring to the discussion. My favorite "expert" was the woman from MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) who thinks that LiLo should be charged with attempted murder for driving her car while under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol. Apparently this woman from MADD thinks you can get nominated for an Oscar for Best Dramatic Performance on a News Show. I hope no one tells her that category doesn't exist because then she might tone down her crazy rhetoric which I thought was hillarious.

Here is what I think: most 20-somethings that I knew back when I was in my 20's were drunk every chance they got. I didn't know anyone who did drugs but we all drank like fish at least 4 nights a week. The main differences between us and someone like LiLo were (a) we didn't drink and drive because we lived in a city where you take cabs to get around, (b) the paparazzi didn't follow us around, (c) cell phone cameras hadn't been invented yet (thank god), (d) we had 9-5 jobs instead of jobs where you work for a few months and then get several months off so we had to be sober all day during the week, and (e) we didn't have as much money to buy drinks with as LiLo does.

I don't think LiLo is an alcholic or even a drug addict. I think she is a classless and troubled idiot who should try to wear underpants more often and engage in fewer public fights. Also she might consider some kind of education so that when the media reads and publishes her blackberry messages and excerpts from her MySpace page she won't look like a retarded chimp who types with boxing gloves on. What she really needs is a full time chaperone or maybe a babysitter. Instead she has a mom/pimp who whores her daughter out for the money and fame that it affords her. I would be sympathetic to her if there weren't actual needy people in the world who would kill to have the money an opportunity that this moron wastes every day.

Indifference

Battle of the Morons - Candy Spelling vs Joe Francis

Read these two letters and tell me that these two idiots don't deserve to snipe at each other. Good grief.

Letter to imprisoned "Girls Gone Wild Creator" Joe Francis from Aaron Spelling's widow Candy Spelling who, apparently has too much time on her hands these days.

Dear Joe,

As the headlines about you changed -- to scream "imprisoned" and "U.S. marshals" instead of "filmmaker" and "entrepreneur," you respond by crying, wailing and seeing yourself as a victim. Bad move. Today's headlines call you a "crybaby."

You blew it, Joe. Instead of jumping from party to party, you're being shuffled from one prison to another. And no one feels sorry for you. The flatterers and entourages have moved on. They have short attention spans. They're hanging on to someone else and will take advantage of the new "temp celebrity" as long as it lasts.

The only redeeming factor is reading that you have been calling home every day from prison. When things are looking bleak, it sounds like you've found that you can get some perspective from the reliable people at home. Maybe you're realizing these are the only people who really care about you.

Your world has changed, and you're the poster boy for what can happen when boys go wild. Your every move and every emotion are still being reported, but not the way you want. It's time for some dignity. At least it might prevent you from being forever defined as a crybaby.

Sincerely,

Candy Spelling

Joe Francis has fired back at Candy Spelling for the open letter posted this morning on TMZ.com Francis is currently in Federal custody. Spelling's letter was read to Francis this morning by phone. Francis tells TMZ he wrote the response himself.

Dear Candy:

I don't know you, I have never met you and I don't know anything about you. After reading your letter posted on the internet, my mental picture of you is of a lonely old woman living in a mansion in Holmby Hills with let's say 300 cats jumping around, some in their own feces.

I have tried to think to myself what would compel a woman such as yourself to write a letter to someone they have never met? Even worse, you are making up your mind based on headlines. I can understand you writing Paris Hilton a letter out of care because as you said in your letter, you have known her most of her life. Then again, it's sad and pathetic you had the audacity to post that letter on the internet instead of just sending it to Paris personally.

Candy, you don't know any of the facts concerning my situation. I am a hardworking, compassionate and honest person. I will prevail just as I have in the past because overcoming adversity is not only a part of the entrepreneurial experience but a part of life. You should appreciate this and know this more than anyone and I am ashamed of you for forgetting how hard it is to make it in this world and the people who would love to tear you down because you have. Sadly, it appears you have become one of those people.

Contrary to what you have said in your letter, my world has not changed. My business Girls Gone Wild is thriving and posted record sales last month. Most important, my friends and my family (I love you guys....) have stood by me. This whole situation will be over soon and I will be standing strong.

I have never played a victim but I have always been a fighter. I will ultimately prevail in the matters at hand but I am concerned that you will die a lonely and unfulfilled person playing with those cats and posting open letters to people you have never met on the internet.

Sincerely,

Joe Francis

My New Favorite Show: The Phil Specter Trial On Court TV

If you haven't been watching this you have to tune in. Phil Specter is SO guilty. Check it out:

He goes out drinking to several bars and restaurants during the course of an evening in LA. Picks up a chick at about 2 am. They go back to his place. His driver, waiting outside his house in the car, sees Specter run out of the house with blood all over his hands while screaming, "I think I killed someone". The driver calls the police who arrive to find the chick (Lana Clarkson is her name) dead with her face blown off with a handgun. Specter didn't call the cops himself but, instead, tried to clean up the crime scene and was beligerant with the cops.

Specter's "defense" is that Lana, a stunning woman whom he had just met, decided at that moment in his home to commit suicide. Yeah right. And I am the Easter bunny. It turns out that she was drunk and had taken a Vicotin too so it's even possible she was asleep when she was killed.

Oh I almost forgot: Specter has a history of getting drunk and crazy-mean and brandishing guns at people. Many times he has done this in public places like parties and at recording studios. Apparently he even pointed his gun and peace-loving John Lennon one time. Now that is a class act. It's amusing to watch as women get on the stand and talk about how Specter chased them around and threatened them with guns (by guns I mean both handguns and shotguns)while the Court TV people talk about how the jury shouldn't consider his prior bad acts.

Yeah right. This guy has "guilty" written all over him. If he gets off maybe he can room with O.J. somewhere. What an a-hole. I don't understand how this crazy wacked out weirdo has managed to elude prison for as long as he has.

Water vs Wine. You Decide.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There's no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it as a public service.

Who Wants To Have Some Fun?

This Will Farrell video is freaking hillarious!!!

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1754070/

WTF? Candy Spelling Writes A Letter to Larry Birkhead

Candy Spelling's House


Candy Spelling

It's just so hard to know where to start with this one. All I can say is WTF??!! Why would Candy Spelling, widow of uber-TV-producer Aaron Spelling, write a letter to a guy she doesn't even know and post it on TMZ? This makes even less sense than Paris Hilton's whole life.

Candy doesn't need the publicity since she is way more famous than Birkhead and she has more money than God. In fact I always thought that Candy Spelling was a bit of a recluse who didn't even want the media spotlight on her. This letter is so retarded too. I am sure that Larry Birkhead was really looking for Candy's opinion of his hairstyle. What a weirdo.
* * * * *
With the DNA results in the Anna Nicole Smith paternity case set to be revealed tomorrow, Candy Spelling, one of Hollywood's most noTORIous mothers, has come exclusively to TMZ to offer Larry Birkhead advice on everything from handling fame, to mitigating exorbitant lawyer fees -- even personal grooming!

Check out Candy's letter:

Dear Larry:

As the court appearance that will change your life approaches, I am stepping into my role as a celebrity-by-association to share some experiences with you.

1) The hair, Larry: Most of the time, your hair looks great, and I'm sure you spend a lot of time getting it right. Just be warned that you might look good every day for a month. But the one day you leave in a hurry and don't pay enough attention, or you get a little wild with an untested new style -- photos will be taken that will haunt you forever.

ebay logo2) Fans/autograph seekers: Hollywood lives in fear of being yesterday's celebrity and ending up with an autograph languishing on eBay for days with no bids. If people want many copies, if they don't want you to personalize it, and/or they ask for Anna Nicole's name as part of your signature, nicely decline. If you slip and do see your autograph on sale, have a good friend bid more than 99 cents to buy it.

3) The lawyers: You've already found out that you have turned from man to cash machine. Lawyers aren't the only ones who will see you that way, especially if you are Dannielynn's biological father. The good news is that someone who presents you with a bill for $620,492.84 must think you have a good case. The bad news is that you will need more lawyers to fight the legal bills. My advice: Negotiate in advance, and put in a clause against expenses for lawyers, spouses, meals or laundry.

I wish you success in court on Tuesday, but beware: There's never enough preparation for "celebrity." I'll never get used to tour buses and cameras outside my house every day, reporters analyzing my grocery choices, and bloggers pretending to know more about my family than I do; but I do have a good life. Yours can be, too. Just remember that celebrity and/or money mean that nothing will ever be the same -- and act accordingly.

All the best,

Candy Spelling

Thought For The Day: Stupidity

Thought for The Day: Teamwork

Sons of Hollywood, I Mean Loserville.

As a frequent viewer of reality TV shows like Hogan Knows Best, The Real Housewives of Orange County, and Work Out I am used to watching vacuous and shallow people perform the mundane tasks and endure the non-stop quasi-drama that comprise their daily lives. I have a great tolerance for dumb TV shows. In fact I used to watch the Anna Nicole Smith Show (possibly the dumbest show with the dumbest star of all time)...may she rest in peace. With that said, I have to say that I have never ever in my whole life seen a show as pointless, depressing, and inane as the new A&E "reality" show called Sons of Hollywood.

Maybe I am not ready for male celebutards yet. Seeing Paris, Lindsey, and Britney in the media has increased my tolerance for watching stupid slutty chicks flash their crotches in public while screaming obscenities at each other. It doesn't faze me anymore...it's all in a days TV watching. But to watch 3 stupid and not-even-good- looking guys run around naked (yes, one of them does), primp in the mirror, get hammered in clubs, drive fancy cars, and get into fights with each other just made me bored and kind of depressed.

The three "stars" (who coincidentally are all producers of this train wreck) of Sons of Hollywood are: Randy Spelling (son of Aaron Spelling), Sean Stewart (son of Rod Stewart), and David Weintraub whose dad isn't famous at all. First of all, I didn't even know that Rod Stewart had a son and if Rod was watching the show last night I am certain that he will disown that little spawn of Satan faster than you can say "your trust fund is cut off and I changed the locks you little bastard".

Frankly, I was happier when I had never heard of Sean Stewart. I think that watching him for an hour actually lowered my IQ by a few points. This moron had his clothes off for at least half of the show for no reason at all and he's not even good looking. That is right...he was chasing his roommates around their house naked. Oh yeah, did I mention that these 3 are roommates? Sean seems to have serious anger issues and a tendency to start fights with his roommates for no reason. He is recently out of rehab. Shocker. He also has no talent for anything except pants-dropping although the show claims that he is an aspiring rock star. In fact he says he will be an even bigger star than his dad. Uh huh. Yeah, right. I'm holding my breath for that CD to drop. Tickets to his concerts (if he ever has any) may be in as much demand as tix to a Kevin Federline concert.

On to loser #2. Randy Spelling actually seems like the only semi-decent human being of the bunch. But that is like saying that pizza tastes better than dog poo. The bar isn't set real high in the decency department with this crew. During both of the first two episodes (30 mins each) that premiered back-to-back Randy deals with the fact that his father, Aaron, is literally on his deathbed. Very sad. But the saddest thing is that at no point does Randy drive across town and visit his dad. He does call him and tell him to eat some food though. I guess that counts as genuine affection in LA.

In the second episode the 3 young rascals head to Vegas for a break from their busy (?) schedule of partying when Randy gets a call from a family friend to tell him that his dad's health has taken a turn for the worse. Do you think that Randy flew right home to be at his dad's side during his last hours on earth? Of course not. But he did stay at the hotel to "get some space" while his buddies wrought havoc on a local golf course (Sean took his shirt off on the course in violation of club rules, that little scamp). I guess taking a break from the party is what passes for love and affection in Hollywood. See what I mean about the show being depressing?!?

The third guy in the crew is David Weintraub who proclaims on the show that Aaron Spelling was the closest thing to a dad that he ever had since his dad wasn't around. (He wasn't in any hurry to visit his dying surrogate dad either.) So, how did this dude get on the show? The title is "Sons of Hollywood" which led me to believe that these were all the pampered offspring of celebrities. Hmm...maybe he put himself on the show because (a) he wants to be famous, and (b) no one else can stand to be around the other two losers, and (c) he is one of the producers. Yeah, that is probably why he is on the show because he isn't from a famous family that is for sure.

I googled Mr. Weintraub and found out that he is the only one of the goofball trio to spend any money on an education. He graduated from USC and he works as a talent agent for some sketchy agency with a crappy website. On the show he pronounces that he is a "cutthroat mo-fo and that he MAKES careers for his clients". As far as I can tell his only clients are Randy and Sean and their only project is this stupid show. Of course he drives a really nice car so that we will all be impressed by his success.

David seems to be the voice of reason(ish) in the group. For example, when Sean goes into a pointless rage over nothing and starts throwing food at Randy during a nice dinner in Las Vegas David plays peace maker. Sort of. The solution to the problem is for Randy to go back to their room (penthouse suite at the Palms of course) and after he leaves David says to Sean, "Sean, calm down, what did he do to upset you?" WTF? That kind of reasoning is what caused Sean to become the worthless coked-up monster that he is. His parents probably let him get away with tantrums all the time. He needs a beat down in a huge way.

I would pay to watch an actual manly guy (or maybe Snoop Dogg or 50 Cent) bitch slap that little shit. In fact that is the only way I will watch this show again: if Sean Stewart is beaten to a pulp on live TV. Or maybe dropped into boiling oil. Ooh..that is a good one. Or maybe he could be forced to have sex with Paris Hilton and Courtney Love together and then dipped in honey and thrown into the polar bear pit at the zoo.

Wait, that wouldn't be fair to the poor bears. Well I will have to think of a fitting penalty for that little punk. Any ideas? The truth is that my life will be happier and more full of joy if I never lay eyes on any of those guys again. The show sucks. Don't waste your time.

Silly Joke

Happy April Fools Day!

Invest Wisely (This One Is For Matt)

Remember this one as you are planning your future . . .

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year go, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $0 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00 remaining.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

Alcohol

Are You Bored? Do You Like Cheese? Then Look No Further Than This Post For A Good Time.

If you don't have anything better to do you can log on to Cheddar TV which is a website where you can watch (in real time)some cheddar cheese age/mature. Right now the cheese has been aging for 99 days 10 hours 58 minutes and 5 seconds. No idea what happens when it matures though.

Maybe you also get to watch someone package it up and send it to the store. Or maybe they cut it and eat it. The only way to know for sure is to watch the non-stop action. I don't have time to monitor this as closely as it deserves because I have to do some yard work. And wash my hair. But if anyone reading this wants to give us an update on the cheese situation from time to time please feel free to do so.

By the way, this is no joke...I can't make stuff like this up.

Amusing Thought For The Weekend: Stupidity

Tom Cruise: Lunatic Extraordinaire

If you haven't seen the cover of the most recent US Magazine, you must check it out. Poor Katie looks exhausted and unhappy. Have you noticed that Katie is almost never photographed without her baby, Suri? If she was a Midwestern housewife that might not be so odd but in the world of celebrity breeding customs it is a tad strange that she would take the kid with her everywhere. Where's the nanny? In contrast I don't think Britney Spears could pick her kids out of a lineup.

The fact that Tom Cruise is a control freak isn't really news but seeing the exhaustion in poor Katie's face kind of made me sad for her. Well sort of...what did the stupid broad think she was getting into when she sold her soul to Tom and the Cult of Scientology (or Crazyology as I like to call it)?

Remember when you were in high school and the movie Top Gun first came out? Tom Cruise was the hottest guy on the planet then and you (possibly) even dreamed of marrying him. Those days are over in light of his public craziness. I have to say that I would never trade my life for hers no matter how many private jets I got to fly in and how much shopping I got to do. Her life seems like a living hell to me.

Another odd thing that isn't talked about in the media much is the fact that Katie lives not just with her new husband Tom but with several members of his family in a 6,500 sq foot home in California. A 6,000 square foot home sounds large except when you consider that 9 people live there (Tom, Katie, Suri, Tom's mom, Tom's sister, two of Tom's nephews, and Tom's two kids Connor and Isabella). To put it in perspective, my house is about 3,000 square feet and only 2 people live in it...we have plenty of space but if one other person lived here I think that none of us would have any privacy.

So Katie gets married and lives with Tom's whole family. Good grief. It's like some kind of old fashioned South American marriage where the bride moves in with the groom's family because they can't afford their own place yet. It has been my experience that most brides who enter into such arrangements complain about being unhappy a lot and pressure their husbands to get them a home of their own. But I guess with all the Scientology brainwashing that is taking up her time poor Katie doesn't have much time to complain about privacy.

Let this be a lesson to all you young girls out there: don't marry for money or you may wind up in a gilded prison and married to a controlling lunatic who makes you join a cult and live with his whole family who are also in the cult. And, if you don't take your pills properly the lunatic may knock you up which means that he now controls you and your spawn for a very long time.

I can't see the "happily ever after" in this story. But, hey, maybe I am just a cynic.

Worst Neighbor Award

We all have times when we're not exactly the best neighbor - maybe we host a late night loud party or our lawn gets a little overgrown, but I had an absolutely infuriating experience with my neighbor this morning. It is for this reason that I am nominating Quack (yup, that's his name), his bird - Polly, his dog - Buddy, and the rest of his family ("Quack & Co.") for the Worst Neighbor Award. I know my fabulous friend Liz also has a couple neighbors she could probably nominate.

Reasons why Quack & Co. deserve this award:

1. This morning when my fabulous husband went to our garbage can to throw in our trash for pick up this morning, he discovered that someone had thrown in a bag of trash, about 70 magazines and 12 broken floor tiles into our trash can. We had plenty of room, so he didn't think to much of it, but when he came into the house to tell me about the little gift one of our neighbors left us - I WAS LIVID. Even horrible people who kick puppies don't stick their garbage in a neighbor's trash can (well maybe they do, but I don't know people who kick puppies). I'm not a big fan of garbage - but I was so mad that I went out to my own garbage can, fished out a magazine so that I could determine the address of the offender. It was Quack & Co. I then emptied all of their garbage from MY can and dumped it on their trash can area - not it the trash can, just by it. I should have scattered it in their front yard, but the idea of my hands' prolonged exposure to a neighbors' trash was not very unappealing. I then promptly took a shower and thought of ways to get even . . .


2. Quack continuously throws the ball to his dog, Buddy, in our yard. We have lots of Buddy's brown, steamy gifts in our front yard.


3. Quack tells awkward stories when he corners us to talk, like the time he shot a man.


4. He rides around the neighborhood on a noisy motorcycle, with a parrot on his shoulder and an unleashed, poo-happy dog running by his side.

Okay, those are my reason - I'm sure are others, I just can't think of them right now. Go ahead fabulous friend Liz, try to top my neighbor!

Thought for the Day

Shocker

It took 6 weeks for the Broward County Medical Examiner to figure out that Anna Nicole died of a drug overdose. Everyone else on the planet figured it out about 5 minutes after she died. But this wasn't any normal overdose of course...a normal person might OD on one drug. Not Anna. Her tolerance for narcotics will go down in history in the same category (the WTF category) as legendary rocker Keith Richards.

Anna was taking nine drugs, including valium, ativan, antihistimines, and chloral hydrate. She was also taking muscle relaxers. Oh, and it turns out that she had been injected in the butt with a dirty needle which had caused a pretty nasty abscess on her ass. Now there is a lovely visual for you.

This woman was a living wonder. Anyone else who was taking that combination of drugs in such huge quantities would have died years ago. In fact your average African Elephant would be dead from half of that amount. Now that she is dead the cost of prescription meds are going to skyrocket because her drug use alone probably kept at least one drug company in business. No wait, Courtney Love is set to start using again any day...maybe drug prices are safe for awhile!

Thought For The Day: Indifference

Uses for My Fabulous New Ring

My fabulous friend Liz was in Houston earlier this week (maybe you've seen her posts), and when she returned she brought back with her some fabulous gifts for me. A picture of the most fabulous gift can be found above. I can only imagine how much painstaking time (at least 5 minutes) it took for Liz to find this truly beautiful ring, not to mention the cost (which an appraiser told me is worth at least $2.24).

Not only is it a fabulous ring, but I also thought of several other uses for it:

• Disco ball - perfect for any party I want to start at a moments' notice


• Moon rock for a blind kid - I know you can't feel the ring - but I'm sure that I could trick a blind kid into thinking that it's a moon rock. I'm sure it would make their day.


• The light thingy from Lord of the Rings that scares away spiders - that would be something of worth to my arachnophobe husband.


• Weapon - if I hit someone just right, I'm sure it could cause a slight bruise.


• Light reflector - if I wore it out in the dark, I bet cars would see me


• Microphone - not sure it work, but if I glued it to a real microphone - it would be sparkly.


• Card hood light for the Pufatufnik Police - you could see this coming from miles away, then all I'd need to do is stick my head out the window and make a siren noise.

I'm sure I could come up with several more wonderful uses for this fabulous gift, but for right now it makes a perfect ring. I bet most people think it's real.

Amusing Thought For The Day: Madness

Best Meal Ever

Once again I have been absent from the blog. No great excuse except for some traveling and general busyness . . . all of this is totally unacceptable to my fabulous friend Liz, I'm sure. I'm making a new end of March 2007 resolution to write at least one post every two days. I know my fabulous friend Liz posts at least once a day to no less than 15 blogs, so I can certainly post at least .5 times a day.

This past weekend, my fabulous husband, who has a fabulous name, invited several of his college friends into town for some SXSW festivities. In addition to one drunk husband and three drunk husband-friends, we had an additional dog (we were pet sitting), two space aliens (from the E! Network) and 15 cases of beer in our house. I was a little overwhelmed from all the activity and commotion in my house - so my fabulous friend Liz invited me over to her house to have pizza and watch Casino Royale (Daniel Craig is yummy). Little did I know what she and her fabulous husband Jonathan were planning . . .

I arrived at Liz & Jonathan's home in late afternoon and was greeted by two excited puppies and a sleeping cat with attitude. I went on a walking-like excursion with the largest dog, Kodi; and soon after I returned; L & J came through the door bearing gifts. It wasn't pizza . . .

Jonathan and Liz had purchased 3 large filets, and Jonathan was planning to grill the steaks, make homemade french fries and prepare what is perhaps my second favorite dessert in the entire world (after the famous Jonathan chocolate cake - Hope are you there?). Needless to say, I was like a pig in poop. I was drooling before dinner was even served - I'd never even had homemade french fries before! This was the best meal ever (at least in recent memory . . .which only goes back about a week).

My fabulous husband really missed out on a wonderful meal. As I was leaving Liz & Jonathan's house, I called my fabulous husband to make sure he was okay and that he didn't need a ride. He drunkly invited me to IHOP (and I do like IHOP), but after the meal I had just eaten - eating IHOP would be like eating poop dirt.

Mutton Bustin'

Last weekend Jonathan and I went to the Star of Texas Rodeo Austin which was so fun that we bought tickets to the finals this weekend. One of the events they have at this particular rodeo is called Mutton Bustin' and it was one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Basically, they put 5 year old kids on the backs of sheep and the winner is the kid who stays on the sheep longest. My fabulous friend Whitney (white shirt, back to the camera in the photo below) was volunteer at this event. Her job was to pick the kids up after they fell off the sheep (they ALL fall off) and get them out of the way after their turn was over.



At first I thought that sheep-riding was just a bizarre idea but then I almost peed my pants laughing when I saw these kids hanging on for dear life onto the sheep. I kid you not...it was a riot to watch. First of all, they put hockey helmets on these little kids. Second, the kids are actually lying down on the back of the sheep and sort of holding on to their legs. One little girl actually slipped all the way around and under the sheep and was hanging onto the sheep's neck before she bit it. The incredible thing was that none of the kids seem to cry even when the sheep stomped on them after they fell off. They must be tough kids. That or maybe they give them a valium before strapping them on the sheep.

I was laughing too hard to take photos so Jonathan took a bunch of pictures of the sheep and Whitney but, sadly, only one photo (the one shown above) came out. Ah, the fun we have in Texas.

Cool Longhorn We Saw At the Rodeo

Liz's Trip to Houston Day 1

Well I am in Houston visiting my fabulous friend Sandra. I drove down yesterday and we drank lots of champagne before going to dinner at one of my favorite Houston restaurants called Ibiza. Sandra's fabulous friend Elizabeth joined us for dinner and I found out that her mother and my great grandmother had the same maiden name and were from the same county in Ireland. Perhaps I have found a long lost relative? Like I need any more relatives. Good grief, I am related to at least half of the state of California as it is.

Today we went shopping where I bought my fabulous friend Stephanie a small gift that she will LOVE. Later today Sandra and I are going over to Elizabeth's house for dinner and more wine. Fun.

I am headed back to Austin tomorrow so stay tuned for my write up on the Star of Texas Rodeo Austin. A preview: My fabulous friend Whitney was a volunteer at the rodeo this year and the event she was assigned to was called "Mutton Bustin'". If you haven't heard of this event you won't want to miss the scandalous photos that I will post later in the week...

Oh Yeah, I Like This Idea

Apparently the show The Simple Life just signed Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton to a 5th season. The theme of the 5th season will be Paris and Nicole working at a "fat camp" and teaching people about fitness and a healthy lifestyle. Are you shitting me?

Wow. There are so many things wrong with this scenario that I just don't know where to start. I always thought that a healthy lifestyle included a good diet, exercise, moderate (if any) alcohol intake, no narcotics, and balanced relationships with friends and family. So either I misunderstood the whole definition of the word "healthy" or the network idiots are going to let two of the least healthy people on the planet attempt to teach people how to live healthy. Does that make any sense to you?

Lets review what these two retards are known for:

Paris

Use of illegal drugs
Sex with many random partners - she is rumored to have herpes
Sex tapes of her and a partner sold on the internet
Drinking alcohol (possibly to excess)
Volatile relationships with "friends"
Racism and general meanness
Possibly anorexic
Stays out all night nearly every night
Does not have a job
Didn't finish high school
Didn't pay her bills and, as a consequence, her personal belonging sold on internet
DUI
Doesn't wear underwear

Nicole

Admitted to eating disorders (anorexia,bulimia)
Smokes
In and out of rehab for (among other things) heroin. Currently clean.
Alcoholism
Does not exercise
Multiple DUIs
Dropped out of college after 1 semester
Volatile relationships

Wow. With credentials like theirs maybe Paris and Nicole should be teaching something other than "healthy lifestyles". Hmm....I wonder what these two geniuses are qualified to teach?

Well, based upon their "resumes" here are a few ideas for classes they could teach at a local community college or juvenile detention facility:

How to ensure the paparazzi gets a photo of your naked crotch.

How to get into nightclubs when you are underage.

How to procure large quantities of heroin or coke for you and your friends without getting busted.

Getting off of a DUI 101.

How to produce, distribute, and profit from your own home sex tapes.

Making a scene in public 101.

I am sure these two girls are qualified to teach some other stuff but we need these two influencing kids like we need to see the return of fire breathing dragons.

Thought For The Day: Mediocrity

Cool Horses That Do Tricks

My fabulous friend Stephanie who is in California for work this week and is, therefore, unable to blog, has suggested a few topics for me to blog about this week. I won't spoil the surprise and tell you all of the topics for the week but today I am going to tell you how excited I am that Jonathan and I are going to see the Royal Lipizzaner Stallions next weekend. If you have never seen these horses it is worth the effort if they come to your town. Sadly there will probably be children at this event but I am so excited to see these gorgeous animals that I can probably tune out the brats.

In short, these are gorgeous white horses who have been trained to do tricks (jumping in different ways mainly) and who do choreographed "dances" while their riders are astride them. The Lipizzaners are from Austria but are descended from Spanish Andalusian horses. There are very few of these horses in existence and they are just magnificent.

Background:

Andalusians, the cherished horses of Spain are one of the ancient breeds of the world. Its ancestry traces to the cave dwellers of the Mosolithic Age, living about 8,000 years ago in the mountains of the Iberian Peninsula.

The Andalusian horses are so adept at agility training that nearly all of the oldest and most famous riding schools started with Spanish horses. The best example of this is the Spanish Riding School in Austria, thus named for the Spanish horses that it used. The Lipizzan breed is an ancestor to the Andalusian, being almost totally of Spanish blood. As recently as 1968, a four-year-old stallion of the Carthusian line of the Andalusian was imported to rejuvenate the present line of Lipizzans in Austria.

As a show and parade horse, the Andalusian's trademark movements, combined with his noble appearance with a long, lush mane and tail, make him a winner. His shiny gray
or white coat glistens as he moves with all of the pride and style bequeathed to him by his ancestors who carried Caesars and kings in their day of triumph and splendor.

His strength and boldness make him a very good hunter and jumper. His agility and endurance make him ideal for trial riding cross-country. Generally, the Andalusian is a horse for all seasons and for all sports, even though he is a relative newcomer to the United States. Not until 1965 were the first Andalusians registered in this country. Today, their numbers are only about 700, making them precious as gold to their owners.

The History of the Lipizzaner Stallions

It is believed that the forerunner of the Lipizzan was bred in Carthage, more than 2,000 years ago. The Carthaginian stock was bred to the Vilano, a sturdy Pyrenees horse, and with Arab and Barbary strains. The result became the fabled Andalusian of ancient Spain.

During Spain's 700 years of Moorish domination, the breed remained essentially the same. Occasional crossing with fresh Arab and Oriental blood by the breeders of Cordoba and Granada assured that the fleetness and agility so prized by the Arabs remained qualities inherent in the stock. The Spanish began to export the horses after Spain rid itself of Moorish rule. The most notable stud farms were established in Italy and Frederiksborg, Denmark. The Danes produced excellent stock from the Spanish progenitors; the Italian "Neapolitan" bloodline became famous in Europe.

Archduke Maximilian, later Emperor of Austria, began breeding Spanish horses there about 1562. Eighteen years later, Archduke Karl, ruler of four Austrian provinces, established a royal stud farm in Lipizza, located in the hills of Karst, near Trieste.

Fresh Spanish stock was systematically added to the blood line at intervals to maintain the strength of the breed. Oriental stallions were used occasionally for the same purpose. In the 17th and 18th centuries, horses from the northern Italian stud farm at Polesnia and the highly regarded Neapolitan strain were brought to Lipizza to mingle with the resident stock and the descendants of the original Spanish line out of Denmark and Germany.

From 1809 to 1815 they lived in the lowlands of the TISZA River, which flows into the Danube. The land was hard on them. It took several years and an infusion of fresh blood to recapture the vitality and high standard of the line. In May of 1915, the Lipizzans were split up. One group was taken to Laxenburg, near Vienna, and the other to Kladrub.

The fall of the Austrian House of HABSBURG in 1918 brought about the break up of the old Austrian Empire. Lipizza became a part of Italy. The Italian and Austrian governments divided the Lipizzaner herd equally. The Republic of Austria took their horses to Piber in Steiermark. Piber, a privately owned stud farm, was founded in 1798 to breed calvary mounts for the army. In 1858, it became a government breeding farm and produced Lipizzans of another and lighter strain for stud purposes in the provinces.

n April 1945, the heroic efforts of the 42nd Squadron of the United States Army's 2nd Cavalry were responsible for the rescue and ultimate preservation of the Lipizzans. The rescue of the horses was conducted under the orders of General George S. Patton and was carried out under the direct command of Colonel Charles H. Reed.

The story of the rescue operation is most dramatic. In early 1945, Vienna was under attack by allied bombers. Colonel Alois Podjahsky, head of the famed Spanish Riding School in Vienna, feared the valuable Lipizzaner Stallions would be destroyed and arranged for the stallions to be transferred by train to St. Martin's in Upper Austria, 200 miles from Vienna. Fodder was scarce and starving refugees attempted to steal the horses for food.

Coincidentally, elements of the U.S. Third Army moved into St. Martin's at the time Podhajsky had quartered the horses there at the estate of a friend. An officer recognized Podhajsky and the stallions, and sent word to General Patton's headquarters. Patton and Podhajsky had been old friends; they competed together in equestrian events at the Olympic Games.

Podhajsky arranged to show the Lipizzans to Undersecretary of War Robert Patterson, and General Patton the following day. Patterson and Patton were so impressed by the performance of these aristocratic white horses that the General, at the request of Podhajsky, promised to make the stallions wards of the U.S. Army until they could be safely returned to their home at the Spanish Riding School in Vienna.

While the stallions were sheltered at St. Martin's, the mares and foals had been separated from the stallions and were being held at the German Remount Depot in Hostau, Czechoslovakia. American forces became aware of their location through Colonel Reed.

On April 26, 42nd Squadron captured a German general and his staff near Hostau. Reed and the General dined together and developed a friendship. The General showed Reed photographs of the Lipizzaner horses. When questioned further, the General confessed that the horses were being held at the German Remount Depot along with allied prisoners of war who cared for the horses.

Later that day Reed contacted Patton to ask permission to attack Hostau to liberate the prisoners and horses. Permission was granted. Later, an agreement was made with the Germans to allow American forces to go into Hostau and rescue the horses from the oncoming Russian troops. German officers, great admirers of the Lipizzans, willingly cooperated with the Americans fearing that approaching Russian troops would destroy the breed.

On April 28, members of Troops A, C and F of the 42nd Squadron attacked the German lines and accepted the surrender of the Germans at Hostau. The surrender, according to Reed, was "more a fiesta than a military operation, as the German troops drew up an honor guard and saluted the American troops as they came in."

The Americans found at Hostau a population of some 150 Lipizzans, including a few stallions, mares and their colts of two and three years of age. The first day was spent inspecting the horses. Two days later, German SS troops organized a counter attack on the 42nd Squadron as it moved eastward along the Czechoslovakian border. The Germans were driven off and a week later, the war had ended. Plans were then made for the disposition of the horses.

Colonel Podhajsky was flown in to inspect his horses. It was at this time that the Russian and Czech governments argued over possession of the horses. To prevent the horses from falling into their hands, the Lipizzans were quickly moved across the border to safety in Germany. Shortly thereafter, the Lipizzans were returned to the control of Colonel Podhajsky at Linz.

General Patton was not the first to rescue the Lipizzans from the exigencies of war. In 1781, during the Napoleonic Wars, 300 horses were evacuated in a forty-day march to Stuhlweissenburg. They returned to Lipizza after peace was established. In 1805 they were moved again to Slavonia, and in 1806 to Karad, a Hungarian village with a population of less than 4,000. They returned to Lipizza, only to flee the advancing armies of France.

Tonya Harding - Then And Now

Look how far our girl Tonya has come. She's a long way from the skating rink now. Let that be a lesson to all you kids...don't cheat in figure skating or the only job you will be able to get is as a fourth rate female wrestler. I wonder if she gets dental coverage with this job?

Tabloid Fantasy League - My Dream Come True

My fabulous friend Hope brought a new game/website to my attention so I thought I would blog about it. It's like fantasy football but instead of an actual sport you bet on how many times certain celebrities will show up on the cover of the tabloids.

Tabloid Fantasy League Scoring

Our celebrity fantasy league games follow a photo-based scoring system using TABFL's "Big Four": People, Us Weekly, Star and In Touch. Celebrities with the most photos will score the most points and help you win prizes. Each week we tabulate the pictures and record them in Tabloid Fantasy League's Celebrity Box Scores. Score with your favorite celebrities every week at TABFL. If your celebs are in, you win! Register and Draft Your Celebrity Fantasy Team Today!

2 Ways to Score & 2 Ways to Win! Predict who will grace the covers in FaceFecta, or assemble your fantasy cast of celebrities in TabFecta. Plus, now you can keep it among friends with your own Private TabFecta league!

FaceFecta Game 1: Predict Next Weeks Covers

Play Weekly. Predict who will grace the covers of next week's People, Us Weekly, In Touch, and Star magazines. If you correctly match all four, you score a FaceFecta and can win prizes from one of our sponsors, Uncommongoods! The results are posted Fridays at Noon PST.

TabFecta Game 2: Draft & Manage A Celeb Team

Play Monthly. Pick your fantasy cast of celebrities and assemble the stars on your fantasy Red Carpet. When your celebrities' photos appear in the "Big Four" magazines you score points and win prizes. The month-long seasons are scored weekly shortly after the magazines hit the newsstands. Weekly winners get a TABFL tee, and the overall point leader for the month walks away with the ultimate prize. Sponsors for TabFecta include Uncommongoods, Zazzle, and Spanx. The results are posted Sundays at Noon PST.

Private TabFecta Leagues Create Your Own Private League!

Keep it among friends and create your own Private TabFecta League. Private League Players can still play with everyone else, too, and are eligible for all weekly and monthly prizes.

Check out the Tabloid Fantasy League Website

Snoop Dogg Arrested in Sweden For Drugs

OK, Snoop getting arrested isn't really news because he seems to get busted for either drugs or weapons once a week. But what amazes me is that he can't seem to learn that carrying drugs and weapons around in a car or near an airport may get you arrested. I wonder if he has a learning disability? Maybe there is a provision in the Americans With Disabilities Act for learning disabled people who carry around pot and switchblades? If not there should be. Poor Snoop...he just gets picked on all around the world. It's just not fair.

Liz's Hair Disaster

If you are interested in reading about my "hair disaster" you can do by reading my March 9th posts so on my Ultimate Resumes blog

NASA Joke

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration (N.A.S.A.) decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.

After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

Amusing Thought For The Day: Hazards

Wishes

Stephanie and I were both really busy with work today so we didn't have time to come up with any thoughts of our own. So try this on for size.

New Reality Show Idea: Bring Back Gladiator Pits

I have an idea for a reality show whose time has come: Celebrity Gladiator Pit. Yeah, that is right, the reality show will work like this: Celebrities will all live in a house (or castle) and will compete in small games/tests during the week. At the end of the week, the celebrity with the lowest score will be tossed in "The Pit".

I don't think it really matters if you give the celebrities armor and weapons or not. I don't think that many of them would be able to survive alone even if you gave them armor, a spear, and a black American Express card. No guns allowed though because I don't want these jokers to have an unfair advantage. Each week the chosen celebrity will face a large carnivorous animal in The Pit.

The show should last an hour and the first 15-20 minutes should focus on life in the house, celebrity interaction, and whatever minor competitions they participated in during the week. Then the remaining 40 - 45 minutes should focus on The Pit. And it should be live! Wouldn't it be great to see Paris get eaten by a Grizzly Bear? Or to watch Lindsey meet her maker at the hands of a lion?

The best part is that we never have to see the celebrities again after the competition because they will be animal poo. Of course it's possible (but unlikely) that one of the celebrities will get out of the pit before being eaten. But I would say it's pretty improbable since most of them don't even know how to get a drink of water by themselves. Without their posses and assistants these people won't have a chance at survival.

Now don't worry that we might lose a good celebrity like Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, or Matthew Mcconnahey...they are A-listers who would never sign up for a dangerous show like this. You know who will sign up and all of the morons who would sign up for this reality show deserve what they get. Here is the roster of "celebrities" whom I think would sign up for the first (and probably only) season:

Flav A Flav
Andrew Dice Clay
Melissa Rivers
Danny Bonaduce
Paris Hilton
Brigitte Nielson
Tracy Bingham
Britney Spears and/or K-Fed (I hope!)
Tom Sizemore
Heidi Fleiss
Bobby Brown (he needs the cash and it's better than jail)
Star Jones
Aaron Carter
Gary Coleman
Vanilla Ice
Tracy Lords
Jessica Simpson (if her publicist tells her that the lion in the pit is really a cute little kitty)

Now wouldn't you watch that show? That is some good TV! Lets petition Fox or VH1 to get this show on the air this fall. The world will be a better place after all of these people get eaten by bears, mountain lions or tigers.

If we get to air a season 2 the second season can feature "The Tank" instead of "The Pit". The Tank would hold great white sharks and the celebrities who had to go in The Tank would be told that they were filming a scene for a new James Bond movie. But of course, once they entered The Tank they would never return. Unless they can swim really fast of course...

Advice for Improving Britney's Image

I think we can all agree that Britney has really gone off the deep end with her recent shenanigans (shaving head, wearing used bikinis, punching cars, etc.). I just heard today that she's angry with her family for staging an intervention and forcing her to go into rehab and that she's ready to leave. God only knows I'd be really angry at my family too if they were trying to save me from losing all my money and suffering an Anna Nicole fate.

As a certified and qualied life coach, publicist and fortune teller I feel it necessary to give my advice to Britney on how she can improve her image (although she really couldn't get much lower):

1. KICK PUPPIES

2. STEAL FROM THE HOMELESS

3. TAKE SENSITIVITY LESSONS FROM ANN COULTER

4. SUGGEST THAT WE REINSTATE THE DRAFT

5. SEND HER CHILDREN TO VIETNAM AND LET ANGELINA & BRAD ADOPT THEM

6. MARRY OSAMA BIN LADEN

7. KEEP AMERICAN IDOL FROM AIRING

8. HAVE A GIRLS' NIGHT OUT WITH LISA NOWAK (ASTRONUT)

9. BLAME ALIENS FOR HER RECENT BEHAVIOR

10. BECOME A PUFATUFNIK

Any one these actions could greatly improve her image, God only knows it couldn't possibly hurt to try.

Anyone Can Be A Movie Star

Wow. If this is what passes for a movie star on vacation these days I think it's clear that anyone and their pet monkey can become the star of a blockbuster Hollywood movie.

So, besides Kristen's appearance, what is wrong with this picture? I will tell you. There is no way that Kristen Dunst even knows who Carl Sagan is nor does she have the IQ to understand his book. Probably her publicist said, "Hold this book when you are on the beach." Thank goodness her publicist didn't give her a giant cheese-head hat to wear at the beach like the ones they wear at University of Wisconsin football games.

That would be a great prank for a publicist to play on one of the stupid acrtresses she represents. I have all kinds of inappropriate visions of stars wearing stupid hats, shirts, and other "accessories" just because someone told them it would look cool or would make them look smart. Can you imagine what Jessica Simpson's publicist could get her to wear?

Even if Kristen could understand the Carl Sagan book she wouldn't read it on the beach. Even real live smart people read Dan Brown or Danielle Steel on the beach. No one reads complicated theories of the universe on the beach. Not even scientists or Scientologists. So you know she is faking being smart because she knows the paparazzi will take her pictures.

If she knows the paparazzi are taking her picture it makes you wonder why she doesn't slap on a little makeup or at least take the cigarette out of her mouth. She looks like she might be related to Anna Nicole's family. Or that she just got off her shift as a clam shucker at Billy Bob's Clam Shack and Car Wash.

Please Don't Demote Me

I have been absent from this blog for quite some time, and I wasn't even abducted by aliens; although, I wish they had taken me away to go see the Oscars. Oh well, maybe next year.

For the past week or so, the Pufatufnik executive board (all 1 member) have been threatening to demote me to Puf-status. A Puf is not even a low level crack whore, a Puf is cigarette whore, not very glamorous. I promised to write yesterday, but I didn't. Shame on me. Well, I got up pretty early this morning to write this post so that hopefully the powers that be didn't feel the need to demote me since it's still early in the morning and for some creatures still asleep (hopefully Nigel), it still counts as yesterday.

With all that being said, I'd like to tell you about a wonderful movie that I saw last weekend - Zodiac - it's great.

AstroNut Hacks Into Email Accounts

Lately it seems to me that not enough attention has been focused on the AstroNut™ situation because of a of the bias that mainstream media has toward writing about global warming, Anna Nicole Smith, and cold weather in Chicago. For crying out loud people, try to focus! How is a crazy, nymphomaniac, stalker astronaut not the biggest news on the planet?? You can't make that s--t up.

Brief recap of the astronaut love triangle for those of you who have focused on other news lately (you know who you are). A male astronaut named Bill Oefelein (based in Houston) and female astronaut named Colleen Shipman (based in Florida) were dating. They weren't supposed to be dating of course because the Navy has some kind of rules about sex in space. Or something like that. Anyway, a third astronaut, a female named Lisa Novak (based in Houston) who, by the way, is married, develops a stalker-crush on Bill Oefelein. Lisa (Lisa will be referred to as AstroNut™ from this point forward) finds out that Bill likes Colleen and then drives all the way to Florida to confront Colleen about Bill.

I've seen it a million times (although mostly on Beverly Hills 90210 reruns). Girl loves boy. Boy loves other girl. Girl stalks rival girl and gets arrested after spraying mace in the rival girl's face. It's a story as old as time.

Now you are caught up to date.

So here is the new news: Prior to driving all the way from Houston to Florida to confront Colleen, the AstroNut™ somehow hacks into either Bill or Colleen's email account and reads private email messages they have sent to each other. Wait a minute. Are these NASA email accounts or like Yahoo or something? I thought that passwords were secret? How did she get into one of their accounts? I know she is an engineer/astronaut but I thought that email was supposed to be safe from hackers. I had better go back and read the fine print at Yahoo...

Apparently Colleen wrote to Bill the following romantic note regarding his return from a space mission, "First urge will be to rip your clothes off," Shipman wrote to Oefelein. "But honestly, love, I want you to totally and thoroughly enjoy your hero's homecoming." OMG is this what passes for sexy talk in nerd-world? Doesn't anyone read Harlequin romances or watch porn anymore? There is no way that a romance novel or a pornographic movie would have lines that boring! Even paid professionals wouldn't get laid with that kind of dialogue.

The most ridiculous part of the story I think is that when Bill was questioned by the FBI about his relationship with the AstroNut™ he told agents that when he informed the AstroNut™ that he was dating someone else, "She seemed a little disappointed, but she seemed to be accepting of that" Hey Bill, maybe you don't understand women as well as you think you do. Or maybe your "crazy-meter" is a little off these days.

She seemed a little disappointed?!? If being "a little disappointed" caused her to don a wig, wear adult diapers, drive 900 miles to an airport terminal to confront Colleen, and then pepper spray her through a cracked window I can't even imagine how she would have reacted if she was described as being "a tad peeved". Or "a little pissed off". Or "f--king mad as hell". Can you imagine what else the AstroNut™ would have packed in her car besides a BB-gun, a new steel mallet, a knife and rubber tubing if she had been more than just disappointed? If she had been really furious she might have packed an F16, a chainsaw, and a wood chipper. It's a sliding scale of crazy I guess.

Ah these crazy lovesick kids. I can't wait to see how this story unfolds. I heard that the Florida authorities dropped the attempted murder charges against the AstroNut™ which is good news for her but probably not a huge boost for her career at NASA. Can you imagine how the AstroNut's kids feel right now? I actually feel very sorry for them. She probably won't win the Mom of The Year Award this year. Maybe she can be a contender when she's off parole.