Lately it seems to me that not enough attention has been focused on the AstroNut™ situation because of a of the bias that mainstream media has toward writing about global warming, Anna Nicole Smith, and cold weather in Chicago. For crying out loud people, try to focus! How is a crazy, nymphomaniac, stalker astronaut not the biggest news on the planet?? You can't make that s--t up.
Brief recap of the astronaut love triangle for those of you who have focused on other news lately (you know who you are). A male astronaut named Bill Oefelein (based in Houston) and female astronaut named Colleen Shipman (based in Florida) were dating. They weren't supposed to be dating of course because the Navy has some kind of rules about sex in space. Or something like that. Anyway, a third astronaut, a female named Lisa Novak (based in Houston) who, by the way, is married, develops a stalker-crush on Bill Oefelein. Lisa (Lisa will be referred to as AstroNut™ from this point forward) finds out that Bill likes Colleen and then drives all the way to Florida to confront Colleen about Bill.
I've seen it a million times (although mostly on Beverly Hills 90210 reruns). Girl loves boy. Boy loves other girl. Girl stalks rival girl and gets arrested after spraying mace in the rival girl's face. It's a story as old as time.
Now you are caught up to date.
So here is the new news: Prior to driving all the way from Houston to Florida to confront Colleen, the AstroNut™ somehow hacks into either Bill or Colleen's email account and reads private email messages they have sent to each other. Wait a minute. Are these NASA email accounts or like Yahoo or something? I thought that passwords were secret? How did she get into one of their accounts? I know she is an engineer/astronaut but I thought that email was supposed to be safe from hackers. I had better go back and read the fine print at Yahoo...
Apparently Colleen wrote to Bill the following romantic note regarding his return from a space mission, "First urge will be to rip your clothes off," Shipman wrote to Oefelein. "But honestly, love, I want you to totally and thoroughly enjoy your hero's homecoming." OMG is this what passes for sexy talk in nerd-world? Doesn't anyone read Harlequin romances or watch porn anymore? There is no way that a romance novel or a pornographic movie would have lines that boring! Even paid professionals wouldn't get laid with that kind of dialogue.
The most ridiculous part of the story I think is that when Bill was questioned by the FBI about his relationship with the AstroNut™ he told agents that when he informed the AstroNut™ that he was dating someone else, "She seemed a little disappointed, but she seemed to be accepting of that" Hey Bill, maybe you don't understand women as well as you think you do. Or maybe your "crazy-meter" is a little off these days.
She seemed a little disappointed?!? If being "a little disappointed" caused her to don a wig, wear adult diapers, drive 900 miles to an airport terminal to confront Colleen, and then pepper spray her through a cracked window I can't even imagine how she would have reacted if she was described as being "a tad peeved". Or "a little pissed off". Or "f--king mad as hell". Can you imagine what else the AstroNut™ would have packed in her car besides a BB-gun, a new steel mallet, a knife and rubber tubing if she had been more than just disappointed? If she had been really furious she might have packed an F16, a chainsaw, and a wood chipper. It's a sliding scale of crazy I guess.
Ah these crazy lovesick kids. I can't wait to see how this story unfolds. I heard that the Florida authorities dropped the attempted murder charges against the AstroNut™ which is good news for her but probably not a huge boost for her career at NASA. Can you imagine how the AstroNut's kids feel right now? I actually feel very sorry for them. She probably won't win the Mom of The Year Award this year. Maybe she can be a contender when she's off parole.
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