Alcohol

Are You Bored? Do You Like Cheese? Then Look No Further Than This Post For A Good Time.

If you don't have anything better to do you can log on to Cheddar TV which is a website where you can watch (in real time)some cheddar cheese age/mature. Right now the cheese has been aging for 99 days 10 hours 58 minutes and 5 seconds. No idea what happens when it matures though.

Maybe you also get to watch someone package it up and send it to the store. Or maybe they cut it and eat it. The only way to know for sure is to watch the non-stop action. I don't have time to monitor this as closely as it deserves because I have to do some yard work. And wash my hair. But if anyone reading this wants to give us an update on the cheese situation from time to time please feel free to do so.

By the way, this is no joke...I can't make stuff like this up.

Amusing Thought For The Weekend: Stupidity

Tom Cruise: Lunatic Extraordinaire

If you haven't seen the cover of the most recent US Magazine, you must check it out. Poor Katie looks exhausted and unhappy. Have you noticed that Katie is almost never photographed without her baby, Suri? If she was a Midwestern housewife that might not be so odd but in the world of celebrity breeding customs it is a tad strange that she would take the kid with her everywhere. Where's the nanny? In contrast I don't think Britney Spears could pick her kids out of a lineup.

The fact that Tom Cruise is a control freak isn't really news but seeing the exhaustion in poor Katie's face kind of made me sad for her. Well sort of...what did the stupid broad think she was getting into when she sold her soul to Tom and the Cult of Scientology (or Crazyology as I like to call it)?

Remember when you were in high school and the movie Top Gun first came out? Tom Cruise was the hottest guy on the planet then and you (possibly) even dreamed of marrying him. Those days are over in light of his public craziness. I have to say that I would never trade my life for hers no matter how many private jets I got to fly in and how much shopping I got to do. Her life seems like a living hell to me.

Another odd thing that isn't talked about in the media much is the fact that Katie lives not just with her new husband Tom but with several members of his family in a 6,500 sq foot home in California. A 6,000 square foot home sounds large except when you consider that 9 people live there (Tom, Katie, Suri, Tom's mom, Tom's sister, two of Tom's nephews, and Tom's two kids Connor and Isabella). To put it in perspective, my house is about 3,000 square feet and only 2 people live in it...we have plenty of space but if one other person lived here I think that none of us would have any privacy.

So Katie gets married and lives with Tom's whole family. Good grief. It's like some kind of old fashioned South American marriage where the bride moves in with the groom's family because they can't afford their own place yet. It has been my experience that most brides who enter into such arrangements complain about being unhappy a lot and pressure their husbands to get them a home of their own. But I guess with all the Scientology brainwashing that is taking up her time poor Katie doesn't have much time to complain about privacy.

Let this be a lesson to all you young girls out there: don't marry for money or you may wind up in a gilded prison and married to a controlling lunatic who makes you join a cult and live with his whole family who are also in the cult. And, if you don't take your pills properly the lunatic may knock you up which means that he now controls you and your spawn for a very long time.

I can't see the "happily ever after" in this story. But, hey, maybe I am just a cynic.

Worst Neighbor Award

We all have times when we're not exactly the best neighbor - maybe we host a late night loud party or our lawn gets a little overgrown, but I had an absolutely infuriating experience with my neighbor this morning. It is for this reason that I am nominating Quack (yup, that's his name), his bird - Polly, his dog - Buddy, and the rest of his family ("Quack & Co.") for the Worst Neighbor Award. I know my fabulous friend Liz also has a couple neighbors she could probably nominate.

Reasons why Quack & Co. deserve this award:

1. This morning when my fabulous husband went to our garbage can to throw in our trash for pick up this morning, he discovered that someone had thrown in a bag of trash, about 70 magazines and 12 broken floor tiles into our trash can. We had plenty of room, so he didn't think to much of it, but when he came into the house to tell me about the little gift one of our neighbors left us - I WAS LIVID. Even horrible people who kick puppies don't stick their garbage in a neighbor's trash can (well maybe they do, but I don't know people who kick puppies). I'm not a big fan of garbage - but I was so mad that I went out to my own garbage can, fished out a magazine so that I could determine the address of the offender. It was Quack & Co. I then emptied all of their garbage from MY can and dumped it on their trash can area - not it the trash can, just by it. I should have scattered it in their front yard, but the idea of my hands' prolonged exposure to a neighbors' trash was not very unappealing. I then promptly took a shower and thought of ways to get even . . .


2. Quack continuously throws the ball to his dog, Buddy, in our yard. We have lots of Buddy's brown, steamy gifts in our front yard.


3. Quack tells awkward stories when he corners us to talk, like the time he shot a man.


4. He rides around the neighborhood on a noisy motorcycle, with a parrot on his shoulder and an unleashed, poo-happy dog running by his side.

Okay, those are my reason - I'm sure are others, I just can't think of them right now. Go ahead fabulous friend Liz, try to top my neighbor!

Thought for the Day

Shocker

It took 6 weeks for the Broward County Medical Examiner to figure out that Anna Nicole died of a drug overdose. Everyone else on the planet figured it out about 5 minutes after she died. But this wasn't any normal overdose of course...a normal person might OD on one drug. Not Anna. Her tolerance for narcotics will go down in history in the same category (the WTF category) as legendary rocker Keith Richards.

Anna was taking nine drugs, including valium, ativan, antihistimines, and chloral hydrate. She was also taking muscle relaxers. Oh, and it turns out that she had been injected in the butt with a dirty needle which had caused a pretty nasty abscess on her ass. Now there is a lovely visual for you.

This woman was a living wonder. Anyone else who was taking that combination of drugs in such huge quantities would have died years ago. In fact your average African Elephant would be dead from half of that amount. Now that she is dead the cost of prescription meds are going to skyrocket because her drug use alone probably kept at least one drug company in business. No wait, Courtney Love is set to start using again any day...maybe drug prices are safe for awhile!

Thought For The Day: Indifference

Uses for My Fabulous New Ring

My fabulous friend Liz was in Houston earlier this week (maybe you've seen her posts), and when she returned she brought back with her some fabulous gifts for me. A picture of the most fabulous gift can be found above. I can only imagine how much painstaking time (at least 5 minutes) it took for Liz to find this truly beautiful ring, not to mention the cost (which an appraiser told me is worth at least $2.24).

Not only is it a fabulous ring, but I also thought of several other uses for it:

• Disco ball - perfect for any party I want to start at a moments' notice


• Moon rock for a blind kid - I know you can't feel the ring - but I'm sure that I could trick a blind kid into thinking that it's a moon rock. I'm sure it would make their day.


• The light thingy from Lord of the Rings that scares away spiders - that would be something of worth to my arachnophobe husband.


• Weapon - if I hit someone just right, I'm sure it could cause a slight bruise.


• Light reflector - if I wore it out in the dark, I bet cars would see me


• Microphone - not sure it work, but if I glued it to a real microphone - it would be sparkly.


• Card hood light for the Pufatufnik Police - you could see this coming from miles away, then all I'd need to do is stick my head out the window and make a siren noise.

I'm sure I could come up with several more wonderful uses for this fabulous gift, but for right now it makes a perfect ring. I bet most people think it's real.

Amusing Thought For The Day: Madness

Best Meal Ever

Once again I have been absent from the blog. No great excuse except for some traveling and general busyness . . . all of this is totally unacceptable to my fabulous friend Liz, I'm sure. I'm making a new end of March 2007 resolution to write at least one post every two days. I know my fabulous friend Liz posts at least once a day to no less than 15 blogs, so I can certainly post at least .5 times a day.

This past weekend, my fabulous husband, who has a fabulous name, invited several of his college friends into town for some SXSW festivities. In addition to one drunk husband and three drunk husband-friends, we had an additional dog (we were pet sitting), two space aliens (from the E! Network) and 15 cases of beer in our house. I was a little overwhelmed from all the activity and commotion in my house - so my fabulous friend Liz invited me over to her house to have pizza and watch Casino Royale (Daniel Craig is yummy). Little did I know what she and her fabulous husband Jonathan were planning . . .

I arrived at Liz & Jonathan's home in late afternoon and was greeted by two excited puppies and a sleeping cat with attitude. I went on a walking-like excursion with the largest dog, Kodi; and soon after I returned; L & J came through the door bearing gifts. It wasn't pizza . . .

Jonathan and Liz had purchased 3 large filets, and Jonathan was planning to grill the steaks, make homemade french fries and prepare what is perhaps my second favorite dessert in the entire world (after the famous Jonathan chocolate cake - Hope are you there?). Needless to say, I was like a pig in poop. I was drooling before dinner was even served - I'd never even had homemade french fries before! This was the best meal ever (at least in recent memory . . .which only goes back about a week).

My fabulous husband really missed out on a wonderful meal. As I was leaving Liz & Jonathan's house, I called my fabulous husband to make sure he was okay and that he didn't need a ride. He drunkly invited me to IHOP (and I do like IHOP), but after the meal I had just eaten - eating IHOP would be like eating poop dirt.

Mutton Bustin'

Last weekend Jonathan and I went to the Star of Texas Rodeo Austin which was so fun that we bought tickets to the finals this weekend. One of the events they have at this particular rodeo is called Mutton Bustin' and it was one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Basically, they put 5 year old kids on the backs of sheep and the winner is the kid who stays on the sheep longest. My fabulous friend Whitney (white shirt, back to the camera in the photo below) was volunteer at this event. Her job was to pick the kids up after they fell off the sheep (they ALL fall off) and get them out of the way after their turn was over.



At first I thought that sheep-riding was just a bizarre idea but then I almost peed my pants laughing when I saw these kids hanging on for dear life onto the sheep. I kid you not...it was a riot to watch. First of all, they put hockey helmets on these little kids. Second, the kids are actually lying down on the back of the sheep and sort of holding on to their legs. One little girl actually slipped all the way around and under the sheep and was hanging onto the sheep's neck before she bit it. The incredible thing was that none of the kids seem to cry even when the sheep stomped on them after they fell off. They must be tough kids. That or maybe they give them a valium before strapping them on the sheep.

I was laughing too hard to take photos so Jonathan took a bunch of pictures of the sheep and Whitney but, sadly, only one photo (the one shown above) came out. Ah, the fun we have in Texas.

Cool Longhorn We Saw At the Rodeo

Liz's Trip to Houston Day 1

Well I am in Houston visiting my fabulous friend Sandra. I drove down yesterday and we drank lots of champagne before going to dinner at one of my favorite Houston restaurants called Ibiza. Sandra's fabulous friend Elizabeth joined us for dinner and I found out that her mother and my great grandmother had the same maiden name and were from the same county in Ireland. Perhaps I have found a long lost relative? Like I need any more relatives. Good grief, I am related to at least half of the state of California as it is.

Today we went shopping where I bought my fabulous friend Stephanie a small gift that she will LOVE. Later today Sandra and I are going over to Elizabeth's house for dinner and more wine. Fun.

I am headed back to Austin tomorrow so stay tuned for my write up on the Star of Texas Rodeo Austin. A preview: My fabulous friend Whitney was a volunteer at the rodeo this year and the event she was assigned to was called "Mutton Bustin'". If you haven't heard of this event you won't want to miss the scandalous photos that I will post later in the week...

Oh Yeah, I Like This Idea

Apparently the show The Simple Life just signed Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton to a 5th season. The theme of the 5th season will be Paris and Nicole working at a "fat camp" and teaching people about fitness and a healthy lifestyle. Are you shitting me?

Wow. There are so many things wrong with this scenario that I just don't know where to start. I always thought that a healthy lifestyle included a good diet, exercise, moderate (if any) alcohol intake, no narcotics, and balanced relationships with friends and family. So either I misunderstood the whole definition of the word "healthy" or the network idiots are going to let two of the least healthy people on the planet attempt to teach people how to live healthy. Does that make any sense to you?

Lets review what these two retards are known for:

Paris

Use of illegal drugs
Sex with many random partners - she is rumored to have herpes
Sex tapes of her and a partner sold on the internet
Drinking alcohol (possibly to excess)
Volatile relationships with "friends"
Racism and general meanness
Possibly anorexic
Stays out all night nearly every night
Does not have a job
Didn't finish high school
Didn't pay her bills and, as a consequence, her personal belonging sold on internet
DUI
Doesn't wear underwear

Nicole

Admitted to eating disorders (anorexia,bulimia)
Smokes
In and out of rehab for (among other things) heroin. Currently clean.
Alcoholism
Does not exercise
Multiple DUIs
Dropped out of college after 1 semester
Volatile relationships

Wow. With credentials like theirs maybe Paris and Nicole should be teaching something other than "healthy lifestyles". Hmm....I wonder what these two geniuses are qualified to teach?

Well, based upon their "resumes" here are a few ideas for classes they could teach at a local community college or juvenile detention facility:

How to ensure the paparazzi gets a photo of your naked crotch.

How to get into nightclubs when you are underage.

How to procure large quantities of heroin or coke for you and your friends without getting busted.

Getting off of a DUI 101.

How to produce, distribute, and profit from your own home sex tapes.

Making a scene in public 101.

I am sure these two girls are qualified to teach some other stuff but we need these two influencing kids like we need to see the return of fire breathing dragons.

Thought For The Day: Mediocrity

Cool Horses That Do Tricks

My fabulous friend Stephanie who is in California for work this week and is, therefore, unable to blog, has suggested a few topics for me to blog about this week. I won't spoil the surprise and tell you all of the topics for the week but today I am going to tell you how excited I am that Jonathan and I are going to see the Royal Lipizzaner Stallions next weekend. If you have never seen these horses it is worth the effort if they come to your town. Sadly there will probably be children at this event but I am so excited to see these gorgeous animals that I can probably tune out the brats.

In short, these are gorgeous white horses who have been trained to do tricks (jumping in different ways mainly) and who do choreographed "dances" while their riders are astride them. The Lipizzaners are from Austria but are descended from Spanish Andalusian horses. There are very few of these horses in existence and they are just magnificent.

Background:

Andalusians, the cherished horses of Spain are one of the ancient breeds of the world. Its ancestry traces to the cave dwellers of the Mosolithic Age, living about 8,000 years ago in the mountains of the Iberian Peninsula.

The Andalusian horses are so adept at agility training that nearly all of the oldest and most famous riding schools started with Spanish horses. The best example of this is the Spanish Riding School in Austria, thus named for the Spanish horses that it used. The Lipizzan breed is an ancestor to the Andalusian, being almost totally of Spanish blood. As recently as 1968, a four-year-old stallion of the Carthusian line of the Andalusian was imported to rejuvenate the present line of Lipizzans in Austria.

As a show and parade horse, the Andalusian's trademark movements, combined with his noble appearance with a long, lush mane and tail, make him a winner. His shiny gray
or white coat glistens as he moves with all of the pride and style bequeathed to him by his ancestors who carried Caesars and kings in their day of triumph and splendor.

His strength and boldness make him a very good hunter and jumper. His agility and endurance make him ideal for trial riding cross-country. Generally, the Andalusian is a horse for all seasons and for all sports, even though he is a relative newcomer to the United States. Not until 1965 were the first Andalusians registered in this country. Today, their numbers are only about 700, making them precious as gold to their owners.

The History of the Lipizzaner Stallions

It is believed that the forerunner of the Lipizzan was bred in Carthage, more than 2,000 years ago. The Carthaginian stock was bred to the Vilano, a sturdy Pyrenees horse, and with Arab and Barbary strains. The result became the fabled Andalusian of ancient Spain.

During Spain's 700 years of Moorish domination, the breed remained essentially the same. Occasional crossing with fresh Arab and Oriental blood by the breeders of Cordoba and Granada assured that the fleetness and agility so prized by the Arabs remained qualities inherent in the stock. The Spanish began to export the horses after Spain rid itself of Moorish rule. The most notable stud farms were established in Italy and Frederiksborg, Denmark. The Danes produced excellent stock from the Spanish progenitors; the Italian "Neapolitan" bloodline became famous in Europe.

Archduke Maximilian, later Emperor of Austria, began breeding Spanish horses there about 1562. Eighteen years later, Archduke Karl, ruler of four Austrian provinces, established a royal stud farm in Lipizza, located in the hills of Karst, near Trieste.

Fresh Spanish stock was systematically added to the blood line at intervals to maintain the strength of the breed. Oriental stallions were used occasionally for the same purpose. In the 17th and 18th centuries, horses from the northern Italian stud farm at Polesnia and the highly regarded Neapolitan strain were brought to Lipizza to mingle with the resident stock and the descendants of the original Spanish line out of Denmark and Germany.

From 1809 to 1815 they lived in the lowlands of the TISZA River, which flows into the Danube. The land was hard on them. It took several years and an infusion of fresh blood to recapture the vitality and high standard of the line. In May of 1915, the Lipizzans were split up. One group was taken to Laxenburg, near Vienna, and the other to Kladrub.

The fall of the Austrian House of HABSBURG in 1918 brought about the break up of the old Austrian Empire. Lipizza became a part of Italy. The Italian and Austrian governments divided the Lipizzaner herd equally. The Republic of Austria took their horses to Piber in Steiermark. Piber, a privately owned stud farm, was founded in 1798 to breed calvary mounts for the army. In 1858, it became a government breeding farm and produced Lipizzans of another and lighter strain for stud purposes in the provinces.

n April 1945, the heroic efforts of the 42nd Squadron of the United States Army's 2nd Cavalry were responsible for the rescue and ultimate preservation of the Lipizzans. The rescue of the horses was conducted under the orders of General George S. Patton and was carried out under the direct command of Colonel Charles H. Reed.

The story of the rescue operation is most dramatic. In early 1945, Vienna was under attack by allied bombers. Colonel Alois Podjahsky, head of the famed Spanish Riding School in Vienna, feared the valuable Lipizzaner Stallions would be destroyed and arranged for the stallions to be transferred by train to St. Martin's in Upper Austria, 200 miles from Vienna. Fodder was scarce and starving refugees attempted to steal the horses for food.

Coincidentally, elements of the U.S. Third Army moved into St. Martin's at the time Podhajsky had quartered the horses there at the estate of a friend. An officer recognized Podhajsky and the stallions, and sent word to General Patton's headquarters. Patton and Podhajsky had been old friends; they competed together in equestrian events at the Olympic Games.

Podhajsky arranged to show the Lipizzans to Undersecretary of War Robert Patterson, and General Patton the following day. Patterson and Patton were so impressed by the performance of these aristocratic white horses that the General, at the request of Podhajsky, promised to make the stallions wards of the U.S. Army until they could be safely returned to their home at the Spanish Riding School in Vienna.

While the stallions were sheltered at St. Martin's, the mares and foals had been separated from the stallions and were being held at the German Remount Depot in Hostau, Czechoslovakia. American forces became aware of their location through Colonel Reed.

On April 26, 42nd Squadron captured a German general and his staff near Hostau. Reed and the General dined together and developed a friendship. The General showed Reed photographs of the Lipizzaner horses. When questioned further, the General confessed that the horses were being held at the German Remount Depot along with allied prisoners of war who cared for the horses.

Later that day Reed contacted Patton to ask permission to attack Hostau to liberate the prisoners and horses. Permission was granted. Later, an agreement was made with the Germans to allow American forces to go into Hostau and rescue the horses from the oncoming Russian troops. German officers, great admirers of the Lipizzans, willingly cooperated with the Americans fearing that approaching Russian troops would destroy the breed.

On April 28, members of Troops A, C and F of the 42nd Squadron attacked the German lines and accepted the surrender of the Germans at Hostau. The surrender, according to Reed, was "more a fiesta than a military operation, as the German troops drew up an honor guard and saluted the American troops as they came in."

The Americans found at Hostau a population of some 150 Lipizzans, including a few stallions, mares and their colts of two and three years of age. The first day was spent inspecting the horses. Two days later, German SS troops organized a counter attack on the 42nd Squadron as it moved eastward along the Czechoslovakian border. The Germans were driven off and a week later, the war had ended. Plans were then made for the disposition of the horses.

Colonel Podhajsky was flown in to inspect his horses. It was at this time that the Russian and Czech governments argued over possession of the horses. To prevent the horses from falling into their hands, the Lipizzans were quickly moved across the border to safety in Germany. Shortly thereafter, the Lipizzans were returned to the control of Colonel Podhajsky at Linz.

General Patton was not the first to rescue the Lipizzans from the exigencies of war. In 1781, during the Napoleonic Wars, 300 horses were evacuated in a forty-day march to Stuhlweissenburg. They returned to Lipizza after peace was established. In 1805 they were moved again to Slavonia, and in 1806 to Karad, a Hungarian village with a population of less than 4,000. They returned to Lipizza, only to flee the advancing armies of France.

Tonya Harding - Then And Now

Look how far our girl Tonya has come. She's a long way from the skating rink now. Let that be a lesson to all you kids...don't cheat in figure skating or the only job you will be able to get is as a fourth rate female wrestler. I wonder if she gets dental coverage with this job?

Tabloid Fantasy League - My Dream Come True

My fabulous friend Hope brought a new game/website to my attention so I thought I would blog about it. It's like fantasy football but instead of an actual sport you bet on how many times certain celebrities will show up on the cover of the tabloids.

Tabloid Fantasy League Scoring

Our celebrity fantasy league games follow a photo-based scoring system using TABFL's "Big Four": People, Us Weekly, Star and In Touch. Celebrities with the most photos will score the most points and help you win prizes. Each week we tabulate the pictures and record them in Tabloid Fantasy League's Celebrity Box Scores. Score with your favorite celebrities every week at TABFL. If your celebs are in, you win! Register and Draft Your Celebrity Fantasy Team Today!

2 Ways to Score & 2 Ways to Win! Predict who will grace the covers in FaceFecta, or assemble your fantasy cast of celebrities in TabFecta. Plus, now you can keep it among friends with your own Private TabFecta league!

FaceFecta Game 1: Predict Next Weeks Covers

Play Weekly. Predict who will grace the covers of next week's People, Us Weekly, In Touch, and Star magazines. If you correctly match all four, you score a FaceFecta and can win prizes from one of our sponsors, Uncommongoods! The results are posted Fridays at Noon PST.

TabFecta Game 2: Draft & Manage A Celeb Team

Play Monthly. Pick your fantasy cast of celebrities and assemble the stars on your fantasy Red Carpet. When your celebrities' photos appear in the "Big Four" magazines you score points and win prizes. The month-long seasons are scored weekly shortly after the magazines hit the newsstands. Weekly winners get a TABFL tee, and the overall point leader for the month walks away with the ultimate prize. Sponsors for TabFecta include Uncommongoods, Zazzle, and Spanx. The results are posted Sundays at Noon PST.

Private TabFecta Leagues Create Your Own Private League!

Keep it among friends and create your own Private TabFecta League. Private League Players can still play with everyone else, too, and are eligible for all weekly and monthly prizes.

Check out the Tabloid Fantasy League Website

Snoop Dogg Arrested in Sweden For Drugs

OK, Snoop getting arrested isn't really news because he seems to get busted for either drugs or weapons once a week. But what amazes me is that he can't seem to learn that carrying drugs and weapons around in a car or near an airport may get you arrested. I wonder if he has a learning disability? Maybe there is a provision in the Americans With Disabilities Act for learning disabled people who carry around pot and switchblades? If not there should be. Poor Snoop...he just gets picked on all around the world. It's just not fair.

Liz's Hair Disaster

If you are interested in reading about my "hair disaster" you can do by reading my March 9th posts so on my Ultimate Resumes blog

NASA Joke

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration (N.A.S.A.) decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.

After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

Amusing Thought For The Day: Hazards

Wishes

Stephanie and I were both really busy with work today so we didn't have time to come up with any thoughts of our own. So try this on for size.

New Reality Show Idea: Bring Back Gladiator Pits

I have an idea for a reality show whose time has come: Celebrity Gladiator Pit. Yeah, that is right, the reality show will work like this: Celebrities will all live in a house (or castle) and will compete in small games/tests during the week. At the end of the week, the celebrity with the lowest score will be tossed in "The Pit".

I don't think it really matters if you give the celebrities armor and weapons or not. I don't think that many of them would be able to survive alone even if you gave them armor, a spear, and a black American Express card. No guns allowed though because I don't want these jokers to have an unfair advantage. Each week the chosen celebrity will face a large carnivorous animal in The Pit.

The show should last an hour and the first 15-20 minutes should focus on life in the house, celebrity interaction, and whatever minor competitions they participated in during the week. Then the remaining 40 - 45 minutes should focus on The Pit. And it should be live! Wouldn't it be great to see Paris get eaten by a Grizzly Bear? Or to watch Lindsey meet her maker at the hands of a lion?

The best part is that we never have to see the celebrities again after the competition because they will be animal poo. Of course it's possible (but unlikely) that one of the celebrities will get out of the pit before being eaten. But I would say it's pretty improbable since most of them don't even know how to get a drink of water by themselves. Without their posses and assistants these people won't have a chance at survival.

Now don't worry that we might lose a good celebrity like Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, or Matthew Mcconnahey...they are A-listers who would never sign up for a dangerous show like this. You know who will sign up and all of the morons who would sign up for this reality show deserve what they get. Here is the roster of "celebrities" whom I think would sign up for the first (and probably only) season:

Flav A Flav
Andrew Dice Clay
Melissa Rivers
Danny Bonaduce
Paris Hilton
Brigitte Nielson
Tracy Bingham
Britney Spears and/or K-Fed (I hope!)
Tom Sizemore
Heidi Fleiss
Bobby Brown (he needs the cash and it's better than jail)
Star Jones
Aaron Carter
Gary Coleman
Vanilla Ice
Tracy Lords
Jessica Simpson (if her publicist tells her that the lion in the pit is really a cute little kitty)

Now wouldn't you watch that show? That is some good TV! Lets petition Fox or VH1 to get this show on the air this fall. The world will be a better place after all of these people get eaten by bears, mountain lions or tigers.

If we get to air a season 2 the second season can feature "The Tank" instead of "The Pit". The Tank would hold great white sharks and the celebrities who had to go in The Tank would be told that they were filming a scene for a new James Bond movie. But of course, once they entered The Tank they would never return. Unless they can swim really fast of course...

Advice for Improving Britney's Image

I think we can all agree that Britney has really gone off the deep end with her recent shenanigans (shaving head, wearing used bikinis, punching cars, etc.). I just heard today that she's angry with her family for staging an intervention and forcing her to go into rehab and that she's ready to leave. God only knows I'd be really angry at my family too if they were trying to save me from losing all my money and suffering an Anna Nicole fate.

As a certified and qualied life coach, publicist and fortune teller I feel it necessary to give my advice to Britney on how she can improve her image (although she really couldn't get much lower):

1. KICK PUPPIES

2. STEAL FROM THE HOMELESS

3. TAKE SENSITIVITY LESSONS FROM ANN COULTER

4. SUGGEST THAT WE REINSTATE THE DRAFT

5. SEND HER CHILDREN TO VIETNAM AND LET ANGELINA & BRAD ADOPT THEM

6. MARRY OSAMA BIN LADEN

7. KEEP AMERICAN IDOL FROM AIRING

8. HAVE A GIRLS' NIGHT OUT WITH LISA NOWAK (ASTRONUT)

9. BLAME ALIENS FOR HER RECENT BEHAVIOR

10. BECOME A PUFATUFNIK

Any one these actions could greatly improve her image, God only knows it couldn't possibly hurt to try.

Anyone Can Be A Movie Star

Wow. If this is what passes for a movie star on vacation these days I think it's clear that anyone and their pet monkey can become the star of a blockbuster Hollywood movie.

So, besides Kristen's appearance, what is wrong with this picture? I will tell you. There is no way that Kristen Dunst even knows who Carl Sagan is nor does she have the IQ to understand his book. Probably her publicist said, "Hold this book when you are on the beach." Thank goodness her publicist didn't give her a giant cheese-head hat to wear at the beach like the ones they wear at University of Wisconsin football games.

That would be a great prank for a publicist to play on one of the stupid acrtresses she represents. I have all kinds of inappropriate visions of stars wearing stupid hats, shirts, and other "accessories" just because someone told them it would look cool or would make them look smart. Can you imagine what Jessica Simpson's publicist could get her to wear?

Even if Kristen could understand the Carl Sagan book she wouldn't read it on the beach. Even real live smart people read Dan Brown or Danielle Steel on the beach. No one reads complicated theories of the universe on the beach. Not even scientists or Scientologists. So you know she is faking being smart because she knows the paparazzi will take her pictures.

If she knows the paparazzi are taking her picture it makes you wonder why she doesn't slap on a little makeup or at least take the cigarette out of her mouth. She looks like she might be related to Anna Nicole's family. Or that she just got off her shift as a clam shucker at Billy Bob's Clam Shack and Car Wash.

Please Don't Demote Me

I have been absent from this blog for quite some time, and I wasn't even abducted by aliens; although, I wish they had taken me away to go see the Oscars. Oh well, maybe next year.

For the past week or so, the Pufatufnik executive board (all 1 member) have been threatening to demote me to Puf-status. A Puf is not even a low level crack whore, a Puf is cigarette whore, not very glamorous. I promised to write yesterday, but I didn't. Shame on me. Well, I got up pretty early this morning to write this post so that hopefully the powers that be didn't feel the need to demote me since it's still early in the morning and for some creatures still asleep (hopefully Nigel), it still counts as yesterday.

With all that being said, I'd like to tell you about a wonderful movie that I saw last weekend - Zodiac - it's great.

AstroNut Hacks Into Email Accounts

Lately it seems to me that not enough attention has been focused on the AstroNut™ situation because of a of the bias that mainstream media has toward writing about global warming, Anna Nicole Smith, and cold weather in Chicago. For crying out loud people, try to focus! How is a crazy, nymphomaniac, stalker astronaut not the biggest news on the planet?? You can't make that s--t up.

Brief recap of the astronaut love triangle for those of you who have focused on other news lately (you know who you are). A male astronaut named Bill Oefelein (based in Houston) and female astronaut named Colleen Shipman (based in Florida) were dating. They weren't supposed to be dating of course because the Navy has some kind of rules about sex in space. Or something like that. Anyway, a third astronaut, a female named Lisa Novak (based in Houston) who, by the way, is married, develops a stalker-crush on Bill Oefelein. Lisa (Lisa will be referred to as AstroNut™ from this point forward) finds out that Bill likes Colleen and then drives all the way to Florida to confront Colleen about Bill.

I've seen it a million times (although mostly on Beverly Hills 90210 reruns). Girl loves boy. Boy loves other girl. Girl stalks rival girl and gets arrested after spraying mace in the rival girl's face. It's a story as old as time.

Now you are caught up to date.

So here is the new news: Prior to driving all the way from Houston to Florida to confront Colleen, the AstroNut™ somehow hacks into either Bill or Colleen's email account and reads private email messages they have sent to each other. Wait a minute. Are these NASA email accounts or like Yahoo or something? I thought that passwords were secret? How did she get into one of their accounts? I know she is an engineer/astronaut but I thought that email was supposed to be safe from hackers. I had better go back and read the fine print at Yahoo...

Apparently Colleen wrote to Bill the following romantic note regarding his return from a space mission, "First urge will be to rip your clothes off," Shipman wrote to Oefelein. "But honestly, love, I want you to totally and thoroughly enjoy your hero's homecoming." OMG is this what passes for sexy talk in nerd-world? Doesn't anyone read Harlequin romances or watch porn anymore? There is no way that a romance novel or a pornographic movie would have lines that boring! Even paid professionals wouldn't get laid with that kind of dialogue.

The most ridiculous part of the story I think is that when Bill was questioned by the FBI about his relationship with the AstroNut™ he told agents that when he informed the AstroNut™ that he was dating someone else, "She seemed a little disappointed, but she seemed to be accepting of that" Hey Bill, maybe you don't understand women as well as you think you do. Or maybe your "crazy-meter" is a little off these days.

She seemed a little disappointed?!? If being "a little disappointed" caused her to don a wig, wear adult diapers, drive 900 miles to an airport terminal to confront Colleen, and then pepper spray her through a cracked window I can't even imagine how she would have reacted if she was described as being "a tad peeved". Or "a little pissed off". Or "f--king mad as hell". Can you imagine what else the AstroNut™ would have packed in her car besides a BB-gun, a new steel mallet, a knife and rubber tubing if she had been more than just disappointed? If she had been really furious she might have packed an F16, a chainsaw, and a wood chipper. It's a sliding scale of crazy I guess.

Ah these crazy lovesick kids. I can't wait to see how this story unfolds. I heard that the Florida authorities dropped the attempted murder charges against the AstroNut™ which is good news for her but probably not a huge boost for her career at NASA. Can you imagine how the AstroNut's kids feel right now? I actually feel very sorry for them. She probably won't win the Mom of The Year Award this year. Maybe she can be a contender when she's off parole.

What is Wrong With Ann Coulter?

Ann Coulter's most recent obnoxious and bigoted remarks shouldn't really be a surprise given her history of obnoxious and bigoted statements. However, this time she really looks like an ass because the object of her ire, John Edwards, is going to be able to raise money from indignant liberals, gays, and humanoids who are offended by her vituperative comments. What a moron.

In fact, Ms. Coulter wins the Moron of The Week Award which, as many of you know, I don't usually like to hand out on Monday. Normally I would prefer to wait until at least Friday so I can hear what Paris, Lindsey, and Britney have been doing all week and distribute the award appropriately. But it's difficult to imagine that anyone (now that Anna Nicole is gone, God rest her soul) could do anything more offensive that Ann did when she called John Edwards a faggot on TV. Maybe she lacks both common sense and a publicist.

Also, who does her hair? I mean being a homophobe is tough if you want to get a decent cut and color job. Maybe that is why she keeps her hair all one length - so she can just trim the ends herself. With a mouth like hers she would wind up with the "Britney" haircut if she ever went into a salon.

One thing is for sure, she has a huge adams apple and from some of the photos I've seen of her I think there is a good chance she's a tranny. Crying Game anyone?

This Picture Makes Me Happy

A Sign For Nigel

The Pieces Of The Puzzle Are Falling Into Place

Well Anna Nicole was finally buried this week in the Bahamas and I think that it is clear to all that her messed up life had more than a little bit to do with the people she surrounded herself with. Her mother, Virgie Arthur, her baby daddy, Larry Birkhead, and Svengali/attorney/friend/wanna-be-baby daddy, Howard K. Stern are quite the cast of misfits, opportunists, and losers. I have never seen anything like this crowd and I am an avid follower of celebrity train wrecks. Generally, people who have a lot of problems don't attract normal and well adjusted friends.

I think that Virgie Arthur may, in fact, be the anti-Christ. The media kind of portrays her as a weeping mother but I don't see it. She is doing everything she can to ignore Anna's final wishes so that she can profit from Anna's death. I read in Cindy Adams column on Page Six that Virgie's legal bills are being paid by a large UK based media syndicate. It makes sense. They stand to gain a lot in terms of additional media coverage of the Anna situation if Virgie keeps filing motions. The stupid woman even tried to stop the funeral while the hearse was on its way to the church!! I thought I had heard of everything until she did that.

And why is it so important to Virgie that Anna's body reside in Texas? Could it be that she wants to charge admission to see her grave? Apparently Daniel's father, who hadn't seen him since 1988 (19 years before he died) has filed a motion in Bahamian court to exhume Daniel's body and move it to Texas. How is he paying for his legal bills? Do you think that maybe Virgie's British benefactors are helping?

One of Anna's cousins is publishing a book called, "Train Wreck" which will include excerpts of Anna's private diaries. What the f--k? What kind of people sell out their relatives like this? Oh yeah, I forgot...trailer trash people who have neither the work ethic or the talent to earn a living on their own.

I have also heard unsubstantiated rumors that Howard K. Stern is the sole beneficiary of no less than 7 life insurance policies that Anna took out and paid for herself. This rumor seems a little "off" and not just because those goofballs were apparently broke and didn't pay a lot of their bills. I just can't believe there are 7 life insurance companies that would gamble on life insurance policies for a woman who seemed so publicly hell bent on self destruction.

Howard is apparently being paid a licensing fee from Entertainment Tonight to let them serve as the exclusive source of interviews with him about the Anna situation. The amazing thing about that story is that apparently ET and Howard negotiated that agreement after her son Daniel died last year. I guess Anna's death is a ratings bonus for them.

I wonder if the public is starting to tire of this circus? I never really felt sorry for Anna when she was alive. I thought she was a conniving, drug addicted, gold digging loser who was too lazy and stupid to do anything but strip. But now that she is gone and we have had the opportunity to find out more about her friends and family I pity her. With Virgie as a mother Anna never had a chance at anything but dancing on a pole. Finally the manner in which she lived and died makes sense. The pieces of the puzzle are falling into place.