Snoop Dogg Arrested in Sweden For Drugs

OK, Snoop getting arrested isn't really news because he seems to get busted for either drugs or weapons once a week. But what amazes me is that he can't seem to learn that carrying drugs and weapons around in a car or near an airport may get you arrested. I wonder if he has a learning disability? Maybe there is a provision in the Americans With Disabilities Act for learning disabled people who carry around pot and switchblades? If not there should be. Poor Snoop...he just gets picked on all around the world. It's just not fair.

Liz's Hair Disaster

If you are interested in reading about my "hair disaster" you can do by reading my March 9th posts so on my Ultimate Resumes blog

NASA Joke

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration (N.A.S.A.) decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.

After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

Amusing Thought For The Day: Hazards

Wishes

Stephanie and I were both really busy with work today so we didn't have time to come up with any thoughts of our own. So try this on for size.

New Reality Show Idea: Bring Back Gladiator Pits

I have an idea for a reality show whose time has come: Celebrity Gladiator Pit. Yeah, that is right, the reality show will work like this: Celebrities will all live in a house (or castle) and will compete in small games/tests during the week. At the end of the week, the celebrity with the lowest score will be tossed in "The Pit".

I don't think it really matters if you give the celebrities armor and weapons or not. I don't think that many of them would be able to survive alone even if you gave them armor, a spear, and a black American Express card. No guns allowed though because I don't want these jokers to have an unfair advantage. Each week the chosen celebrity will face a large carnivorous animal in The Pit.

The show should last an hour and the first 15-20 minutes should focus on life in the house, celebrity interaction, and whatever minor competitions they participated in during the week. Then the remaining 40 - 45 minutes should focus on The Pit. And it should be live! Wouldn't it be great to see Paris get eaten by a Grizzly Bear? Or to watch Lindsey meet her maker at the hands of a lion?

The best part is that we never have to see the celebrities again after the competition because they will be animal poo. Of course it's possible (but unlikely) that one of the celebrities will get out of the pit before being eaten. But I would say it's pretty improbable since most of them don't even know how to get a drink of water by themselves. Without their posses and assistants these people won't have a chance at survival.

Now don't worry that we might lose a good celebrity like Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, or Matthew Mcconnahey...they are A-listers who would never sign up for a dangerous show like this. You know who will sign up and all of the morons who would sign up for this reality show deserve what they get. Here is the roster of "celebrities" whom I think would sign up for the first (and probably only) season:

Flav A Flav
Andrew Dice Clay
Melissa Rivers
Danny Bonaduce
Paris Hilton
Brigitte Nielson
Tracy Bingham
Britney Spears and/or K-Fed (I hope!)
Tom Sizemore
Heidi Fleiss
Bobby Brown (he needs the cash and it's better than jail)
Star Jones
Aaron Carter
Gary Coleman
Vanilla Ice
Tracy Lords
Jessica Simpson (if her publicist tells her that the lion in the pit is really a cute little kitty)

Now wouldn't you watch that show? That is some good TV! Lets petition Fox or VH1 to get this show on the air this fall. The world will be a better place after all of these people get eaten by bears, mountain lions or tigers.

If we get to air a season 2 the second season can feature "The Tank" instead of "The Pit". The Tank would hold great white sharks and the celebrities who had to go in The Tank would be told that they were filming a scene for a new James Bond movie. But of course, once they entered The Tank they would never return. Unless they can swim really fast of course...

Advice for Improving Britney's Image

I think we can all agree that Britney has really gone off the deep end with her recent shenanigans (shaving head, wearing used bikinis, punching cars, etc.). I just heard today that she's angry with her family for staging an intervention and forcing her to go into rehab and that she's ready to leave. God only knows I'd be really angry at my family too if they were trying to save me from losing all my money and suffering an Anna Nicole fate.

As a certified and qualied life coach, publicist and fortune teller I feel it necessary to give my advice to Britney on how she can improve her image (although she really couldn't get much lower):

1. KICK PUPPIES

2. STEAL FROM THE HOMELESS

3. TAKE SENSITIVITY LESSONS FROM ANN COULTER

4. SUGGEST THAT WE REINSTATE THE DRAFT

5. SEND HER CHILDREN TO VIETNAM AND LET ANGELINA & BRAD ADOPT THEM

6. MARRY OSAMA BIN LADEN

7. KEEP AMERICAN IDOL FROM AIRING

8. HAVE A GIRLS' NIGHT OUT WITH LISA NOWAK (ASTRONUT)

9. BLAME ALIENS FOR HER RECENT BEHAVIOR

10. BECOME A PUFATUFNIK

Any one these actions could greatly improve her image, God only knows it couldn't possibly hurt to try.

Anyone Can Be A Movie Star

Wow. If this is what passes for a movie star on vacation these days I think it's clear that anyone and their pet monkey can become the star of a blockbuster Hollywood movie.

So, besides Kristen's appearance, what is wrong with this picture? I will tell you. There is no way that Kristen Dunst even knows who Carl Sagan is nor does she have the IQ to understand his book. Probably her publicist said, "Hold this book when you are on the beach." Thank goodness her publicist didn't give her a giant cheese-head hat to wear at the beach like the ones they wear at University of Wisconsin football games.

That would be a great prank for a publicist to play on one of the stupid acrtresses she represents. I have all kinds of inappropriate visions of stars wearing stupid hats, shirts, and other "accessories" just because someone told them it would look cool or would make them look smart. Can you imagine what Jessica Simpson's publicist could get her to wear?

Even if Kristen could understand the Carl Sagan book she wouldn't read it on the beach. Even real live smart people read Dan Brown or Danielle Steel on the beach. No one reads complicated theories of the universe on the beach. Not even scientists or Scientologists. So you know she is faking being smart because she knows the paparazzi will take her pictures.

If she knows the paparazzi are taking her picture it makes you wonder why she doesn't slap on a little makeup or at least take the cigarette out of her mouth. She looks like she might be related to Anna Nicole's family. Or that she just got off her shift as a clam shucker at Billy Bob's Clam Shack and Car Wash.

Please Don't Demote Me

I have been absent from this blog for quite some time, and I wasn't even abducted by aliens; although, I wish they had taken me away to go see the Oscars. Oh well, maybe next year.

For the past week or so, the Pufatufnik executive board (all 1 member) have been threatening to demote me to Puf-status. A Puf is not even a low level crack whore, a Puf is cigarette whore, not very glamorous. I promised to write yesterday, but I didn't. Shame on me. Well, I got up pretty early this morning to write this post so that hopefully the powers that be didn't feel the need to demote me since it's still early in the morning and for some creatures still asleep (hopefully Nigel), it still counts as yesterday.

With all that being said, I'd like to tell you about a wonderful movie that I saw last weekend - Zodiac - it's great.

AstroNut Hacks Into Email Accounts

Lately it seems to me that not enough attention has been focused on the AstroNut™ situation because of a of the bias that mainstream media has toward writing about global warming, Anna Nicole Smith, and cold weather in Chicago. For crying out loud people, try to focus! How is a crazy, nymphomaniac, stalker astronaut not the biggest news on the planet?? You can't make that s--t up.

Brief recap of the astronaut love triangle for those of you who have focused on other news lately (you know who you are). A male astronaut named Bill Oefelein (based in Houston) and female astronaut named Colleen Shipman (based in Florida) were dating. They weren't supposed to be dating of course because the Navy has some kind of rules about sex in space. Or something like that. Anyway, a third astronaut, a female named Lisa Novak (based in Houston) who, by the way, is married, develops a stalker-crush on Bill Oefelein. Lisa (Lisa will be referred to as AstroNut™ from this point forward) finds out that Bill likes Colleen and then drives all the way to Florida to confront Colleen about Bill.

I've seen it a million times (although mostly on Beverly Hills 90210 reruns). Girl loves boy. Boy loves other girl. Girl stalks rival girl and gets arrested after spraying mace in the rival girl's face. It's a story as old as time.

Now you are caught up to date.

So here is the new news: Prior to driving all the way from Houston to Florida to confront Colleen, the AstroNut™ somehow hacks into either Bill or Colleen's email account and reads private email messages they have sent to each other. Wait a minute. Are these NASA email accounts or like Yahoo or something? I thought that passwords were secret? How did she get into one of their accounts? I know she is an engineer/astronaut but I thought that email was supposed to be safe from hackers. I had better go back and read the fine print at Yahoo...

Apparently Colleen wrote to Bill the following romantic note regarding his return from a space mission, "First urge will be to rip your clothes off," Shipman wrote to Oefelein. "But honestly, love, I want you to totally and thoroughly enjoy your hero's homecoming." OMG is this what passes for sexy talk in nerd-world? Doesn't anyone read Harlequin romances or watch porn anymore? There is no way that a romance novel or a pornographic movie would have lines that boring! Even paid professionals wouldn't get laid with that kind of dialogue.

The most ridiculous part of the story I think is that when Bill was questioned by the FBI about his relationship with the AstroNut™ he told agents that when he informed the AstroNut™ that he was dating someone else, "She seemed a little disappointed, but she seemed to be accepting of that" Hey Bill, maybe you don't understand women as well as you think you do. Or maybe your "crazy-meter" is a little off these days.

She seemed a little disappointed?!? If being "a little disappointed" caused her to don a wig, wear adult diapers, drive 900 miles to an airport terminal to confront Colleen, and then pepper spray her through a cracked window I can't even imagine how she would have reacted if she was described as being "a tad peeved". Or "a little pissed off". Or "f--king mad as hell". Can you imagine what else the AstroNut™ would have packed in her car besides a BB-gun, a new steel mallet, a knife and rubber tubing if she had been more than just disappointed? If she had been really furious she might have packed an F16, a chainsaw, and a wood chipper. It's a sliding scale of crazy I guess.

Ah these crazy lovesick kids. I can't wait to see how this story unfolds. I heard that the Florida authorities dropped the attempted murder charges against the AstroNut™ which is good news for her but probably not a huge boost for her career at NASA. Can you imagine how the AstroNut's kids feel right now? I actually feel very sorry for them. She probably won't win the Mom of The Year Award this year. Maybe she can be a contender when she's off parole.