Sons of Hollywood, I Mean Loserville.

As a frequent viewer of reality TV shows like Hogan Knows Best, The Real Housewives of Orange County, and Work Out I am used to watching vacuous and shallow people perform the mundane tasks and endure the non-stop quasi-drama that comprise their daily lives. I have a great tolerance for dumb TV shows. In fact I used to watch the Anna Nicole Smith Show (possibly the dumbest show with the dumbest star of all time)...may she rest in peace. With that said, I have to say that I have never ever in my whole life seen a show as pointless, depressing, and inane as the new A&E "reality" show called Sons of Hollywood.

Maybe I am not ready for male celebutards yet. Seeing Paris, Lindsey, and Britney in the media has increased my tolerance for watching stupid slutty chicks flash their crotches in public while screaming obscenities at each other. It doesn't faze me anymore...it's all in a days TV watching. But to watch 3 stupid and not-even-good- looking guys run around naked (yes, one of them does), primp in the mirror, get hammered in clubs, drive fancy cars, and get into fights with each other just made me bored and kind of depressed.

The three "stars" (who coincidentally are all producers of this train wreck) of Sons of Hollywood are: Randy Spelling (son of Aaron Spelling), Sean Stewart (son of Rod Stewart), and David Weintraub whose dad isn't famous at all. First of all, I didn't even know that Rod Stewart had a son and if Rod was watching the show last night I am certain that he will disown that little spawn of Satan faster than you can say "your trust fund is cut off and I changed the locks you little bastard".

Frankly, I was happier when I had never heard of Sean Stewart. I think that watching him for an hour actually lowered my IQ by a few points. This moron had his clothes off for at least half of the show for no reason at all and he's not even good looking. That is right...he was chasing his roommates around their house naked. Oh yeah, did I mention that these 3 are roommates? Sean seems to have serious anger issues and a tendency to start fights with his roommates for no reason. He is recently out of rehab. Shocker. He also has no talent for anything except pants-dropping although the show claims that he is an aspiring rock star. In fact he says he will be an even bigger star than his dad. Uh huh. Yeah, right. I'm holding my breath for that CD to drop. Tickets to his concerts (if he ever has any) may be in as much demand as tix to a Kevin Federline concert.

On to loser #2. Randy Spelling actually seems like the only semi-decent human being of the bunch. But that is like saying that pizza tastes better than dog poo. The bar isn't set real high in the decency department with this crew. During both of the first two episodes (30 mins each) that premiered back-to-back Randy deals with the fact that his father, Aaron, is literally on his deathbed. Very sad. But the saddest thing is that at no point does Randy drive across town and visit his dad. He does call him and tell him to eat some food though. I guess that counts as genuine affection in LA.

In the second episode the 3 young rascals head to Vegas for a break from their busy (?) schedule of partying when Randy gets a call from a family friend to tell him that his dad's health has taken a turn for the worse. Do you think that Randy flew right home to be at his dad's side during his last hours on earth? Of course not. But he did stay at the hotel to "get some space" while his buddies wrought havoc on a local golf course (Sean took his shirt off on the course in violation of club rules, that little scamp). I guess taking a break from the party is what passes for love and affection in Hollywood. See what I mean about the show being depressing?!?

The third guy in the crew is David Weintraub who proclaims on the show that Aaron Spelling was the closest thing to a dad that he ever had since his dad wasn't around. (He wasn't in any hurry to visit his dying surrogate dad either.) So, how did this dude get on the show? The title is "Sons of Hollywood" which led me to believe that these were all the pampered offspring of celebrities. Hmm...maybe he put himself on the show because (a) he wants to be famous, and (b) no one else can stand to be around the other two losers, and (c) he is one of the producers. Yeah, that is probably why he is on the show because he isn't from a famous family that is for sure.

I googled Mr. Weintraub and found out that he is the only one of the goofball trio to spend any money on an education. He graduated from USC and he works as a talent agent for some sketchy agency with a crappy website. On the show he pronounces that he is a "cutthroat mo-fo and that he MAKES careers for his clients". As far as I can tell his only clients are Randy and Sean and their only project is this stupid show. Of course he drives a really nice car so that we will all be impressed by his success.

David seems to be the voice of reason(ish) in the group. For example, when Sean goes into a pointless rage over nothing and starts throwing food at Randy during a nice dinner in Las Vegas David plays peace maker. Sort of. The solution to the problem is for Randy to go back to their room (penthouse suite at the Palms of course) and after he leaves David says to Sean, "Sean, calm down, what did he do to upset you?" WTF? That kind of reasoning is what caused Sean to become the worthless coked-up monster that he is. His parents probably let him get away with tantrums all the time. He needs a beat down in a huge way.

I would pay to watch an actual manly guy (or maybe Snoop Dogg or 50 Cent) bitch slap that little shit. In fact that is the only way I will watch this show again: if Sean Stewart is beaten to a pulp on live TV. Or maybe dropped into boiling oil. Ooh..that is a good one. Or maybe he could be forced to have sex with Paris Hilton and Courtney Love together and then dipped in honey and thrown into the polar bear pit at the zoo.

Wait, that wouldn't be fair to the poor bears. Well I will have to think of a fitting penalty for that little punk. Any ideas? The truth is that my life will be happier and more full of joy if I never lay eyes on any of those guys again. The show sucks. Don't waste your time.

Oh Yeah, I Like This Idea

Apparently the show The Simple Life just signed Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton to a 5th season. The theme of the 5th season will be Paris and Nicole working at a "fat camp" and teaching people about fitness and a healthy lifestyle. Are you shitting me?

Wow. There are so many things wrong with this scenario that I just don't know where to start. I always thought that a healthy lifestyle included a good diet, exercise, moderate (if any) alcohol intake, no narcotics, and balanced relationships with friends and family. So either I misunderstood the whole definition of the word "healthy" or the network idiots are going to let two of the least healthy people on the planet attempt to teach people how to live healthy. Does that make any sense to you?

Lets review what these two retards are known for:

Paris

Use of illegal drugs
Sex with many random partners - she is rumored to have herpes
Sex tapes of her and a partner sold on the internet
Drinking alcohol (possibly to excess)
Volatile relationships with "friends"
Racism and general meanness
Possibly anorexic
Stays out all night nearly every night
Does not have a job
Didn't finish high school
Didn't pay her bills and, as a consequence, her personal belonging sold on internet
DUI
Doesn't wear underwear

Nicole

Admitted to eating disorders (anorexia,bulimia)
Smokes
In and out of rehab for (among other things) heroin. Currently clean.
Alcoholism
Does not exercise
Multiple DUIs
Dropped out of college after 1 semester
Volatile relationships

Wow. With credentials like theirs maybe Paris and Nicole should be teaching something other than "healthy lifestyles". Hmm....I wonder what these two geniuses are qualified to teach?

Well, based upon their "resumes" here are a few ideas for classes they could teach at a local community college or juvenile detention facility:

How to ensure the paparazzi gets a photo of your naked crotch.

How to get into nightclubs when you are underage.

How to procure large quantities of heroin or coke for you and your friends without getting busted.

Getting off of a DUI 101.

How to produce, distribute, and profit from your own home sex tapes.

Making a scene in public 101.

I am sure these two girls are qualified to teach some other stuff but we need these two influencing kids like we need to see the return of fire breathing dragons.

New Reality Show Idea: Bring Back Gladiator Pits

I have an idea for a reality show whose time has come: Celebrity Gladiator Pit. Yeah, that is right, the reality show will work like this: Celebrities will all live in a house (or castle) and will compete in small games/tests during the week. At the end of the week, the celebrity with the lowest score will be tossed in "The Pit".

I don't think it really matters if you give the celebrities armor and weapons or not. I don't think that many of them would be able to survive alone even if you gave them armor, a spear, and a black American Express card. No guns allowed though because I don't want these jokers to have an unfair advantage. Each week the chosen celebrity will face a large carnivorous animal in The Pit.

The show should last an hour and the first 15-20 minutes should focus on life in the house, celebrity interaction, and whatever minor competitions they participated in during the week. Then the remaining 40 - 45 minutes should focus on The Pit. And it should be live! Wouldn't it be great to see Paris get eaten by a Grizzly Bear? Or to watch Lindsey meet her maker at the hands of a lion?

The best part is that we never have to see the celebrities again after the competition because they will be animal poo. Of course it's possible (but unlikely) that one of the celebrities will get out of the pit before being eaten. But I would say it's pretty improbable since most of them don't even know how to get a drink of water by themselves. Without their posses and assistants these people won't have a chance at survival.

Now don't worry that we might lose a good celebrity like Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, or Matthew Mcconnahey...they are A-listers who would never sign up for a dangerous show like this. You know who will sign up and all of the morons who would sign up for this reality show deserve what they get. Here is the roster of "celebrities" whom I think would sign up for the first (and probably only) season:

Flav A Flav
Andrew Dice Clay
Melissa Rivers
Danny Bonaduce
Paris Hilton
Brigitte Nielson
Tracy Bingham
Britney Spears and/or K-Fed (I hope!)
Tom Sizemore
Heidi Fleiss
Bobby Brown (he needs the cash and it's better than jail)
Star Jones
Aaron Carter
Gary Coleman
Vanilla Ice
Tracy Lords
Jessica Simpson (if her publicist tells her that the lion in the pit is really a cute little kitty)

Now wouldn't you watch that show? That is some good TV! Lets petition Fox or VH1 to get this show on the air this fall. The world will be a better place after all of these people get eaten by bears, mountain lions or tigers.

If we get to air a season 2 the second season can feature "The Tank" instead of "The Pit". The Tank would hold great white sharks and the celebrities who had to go in The Tank would be told that they were filming a scene for a new James Bond movie. But of course, once they entered The Tank they would never return. Unless they can swim really fast of course...