WTF? Candy Spelling Writes A Letter to Larry Birkhead

Candy Spelling's House


Candy Spelling

It's just so hard to know where to start with this one. All I can say is WTF??!! Why would Candy Spelling, widow of uber-TV-producer Aaron Spelling, write a letter to a guy she doesn't even know and post it on TMZ? This makes even less sense than Paris Hilton's whole life.

Candy doesn't need the publicity since she is way more famous than Birkhead and she has more money than God. In fact I always thought that Candy Spelling was a bit of a recluse who didn't even want the media spotlight on her. This letter is so retarded too. I am sure that Larry Birkhead was really looking for Candy's opinion of his hairstyle. What a weirdo.
* * * * *
With the DNA results in the Anna Nicole Smith paternity case set to be revealed tomorrow, Candy Spelling, one of Hollywood's most noTORIous mothers, has come exclusively to TMZ to offer Larry Birkhead advice on everything from handling fame, to mitigating exorbitant lawyer fees -- even personal grooming!

Check out Candy's letter:

Dear Larry:

As the court appearance that will change your life approaches, I am stepping into my role as a celebrity-by-association to share some experiences with you.

1) The hair, Larry: Most of the time, your hair looks great, and I'm sure you spend a lot of time getting it right. Just be warned that you might look good every day for a month. But the one day you leave in a hurry and don't pay enough attention, or you get a little wild with an untested new style -- photos will be taken that will haunt you forever.

ebay logo2) Fans/autograph seekers: Hollywood lives in fear of being yesterday's celebrity and ending up with an autograph languishing on eBay for days with no bids. If people want many copies, if they don't want you to personalize it, and/or they ask for Anna Nicole's name as part of your signature, nicely decline. If you slip and do see your autograph on sale, have a good friend bid more than 99 cents to buy it.

3) The lawyers: You've already found out that you have turned from man to cash machine. Lawyers aren't the only ones who will see you that way, especially if you are Dannielynn's biological father. The good news is that someone who presents you with a bill for $620,492.84 must think you have a good case. The bad news is that you will need more lawyers to fight the legal bills. My advice: Negotiate in advance, and put in a clause against expenses for lawyers, spouses, meals or laundry.

I wish you success in court on Tuesday, but beware: There's never enough preparation for "celebrity." I'll never get used to tour buses and cameras outside my house every day, reporters analyzing my grocery choices, and bloggers pretending to know more about my family than I do; but I do have a good life. Yours can be, too. Just remember that celebrity and/or money mean that nothing will ever be the same -- and act accordingly.

All the best,

Candy Spelling

Oh Yeah, I Like This Idea

Apparently the show The Simple Life just signed Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton to a 5th season. The theme of the 5th season will be Paris and Nicole working at a "fat camp" and teaching people about fitness and a healthy lifestyle. Are you shitting me?

Wow. There are so many things wrong with this scenario that I just don't know where to start. I always thought that a healthy lifestyle included a good diet, exercise, moderate (if any) alcohol intake, no narcotics, and balanced relationships with friends and family. So either I misunderstood the whole definition of the word "healthy" or the network idiots are going to let two of the least healthy people on the planet attempt to teach people how to live healthy. Does that make any sense to you?

Lets review what these two retards are known for:

Paris

Use of illegal drugs
Sex with many random partners - she is rumored to have herpes
Sex tapes of her and a partner sold on the internet
Drinking alcohol (possibly to excess)
Volatile relationships with "friends"
Racism and general meanness
Possibly anorexic
Stays out all night nearly every night
Does not have a job
Didn't finish high school
Didn't pay her bills and, as a consequence, her personal belonging sold on internet
DUI
Doesn't wear underwear

Nicole

Admitted to eating disorders (anorexia,bulimia)
Smokes
In and out of rehab for (among other things) heroin. Currently clean.
Alcoholism
Does not exercise
Multiple DUIs
Dropped out of college after 1 semester
Volatile relationships

Wow. With credentials like theirs maybe Paris and Nicole should be teaching something other than "healthy lifestyles". Hmm....I wonder what these two geniuses are qualified to teach?

Well, based upon their "resumes" here are a few ideas for classes they could teach at a local community college or juvenile detention facility:

How to ensure the paparazzi gets a photo of your naked crotch.

How to get into nightclubs when you are underage.

How to procure large quantities of heroin or coke for you and your friends without getting busted.

Getting off of a DUI 101.

How to produce, distribute, and profit from your own home sex tapes.

Making a scene in public 101.

I am sure these two girls are qualified to teach some other stuff but we need these two influencing kids like we need to see the return of fire breathing dragons.

Tonya Harding - Then And Now

Look how far our girl Tonya has come. She's a long way from the skating rink now. Let that be a lesson to all you kids...don't cheat in figure skating or the only job you will be able to get is as a fourth rate female wrestler. I wonder if she gets dental coverage with this job?

Tabloid Fantasy League - My Dream Come True

My fabulous friend Hope brought a new game/website to my attention so I thought I would blog about it. It's like fantasy football but instead of an actual sport you bet on how many times certain celebrities will show up on the cover of the tabloids.

Tabloid Fantasy League Scoring

Our celebrity fantasy league games follow a photo-based scoring system using TABFL's "Big Four": People, Us Weekly, Star and In Touch. Celebrities with the most photos will score the most points and help you win prizes. Each week we tabulate the pictures and record them in Tabloid Fantasy League's Celebrity Box Scores. Score with your favorite celebrities every week at TABFL. If your celebs are in, you win! Register and Draft Your Celebrity Fantasy Team Today!

2 Ways to Score & 2 Ways to Win! Predict who will grace the covers in FaceFecta, or assemble your fantasy cast of celebrities in TabFecta. Plus, now you can keep it among friends with your own Private TabFecta league!

FaceFecta Game 1: Predict Next Weeks Covers

Play Weekly. Predict who will grace the covers of next week's People, Us Weekly, In Touch, and Star magazines. If you correctly match all four, you score a FaceFecta and can win prizes from one of our sponsors, Uncommongoods! The results are posted Fridays at Noon PST.

TabFecta Game 2: Draft & Manage A Celeb Team

Play Monthly. Pick your fantasy cast of celebrities and assemble the stars on your fantasy Red Carpet. When your celebrities' photos appear in the "Big Four" magazines you score points and win prizes. The month-long seasons are scored weekly shortly after the magazines hit the newsstands. Weekly winners get a TABFL tee, and the overall point leader for the month walks away with the ultimate prize. Sponsors for TabFecta include Uncommongoods, Zazzle, and Spanx. The results are posted Sundays at Noon PST.

Private TabFecta Leagues Create Your Own Private League!

Keep it among friends and create your own Private TabFecta League. Private League Players can still play with everyone else, too, and are eligible for all weekly and monthly prizes.

Check out the Tabloid Fantasy League Website

New Reality Show Idea: Bring Back Gladiator Pits

I have an idea for a reality show whose time has come: Celebrity Gladiator Pit. Yeah, that is right, the reality show will work like this: Celebrities will all live in a house (or castle) and will compete in small games/tests during the week. At the end of the week, the celebrity with the lowest score will be tossed in "The Pit".

I don't think it really matters if you give the celebrities armor and weapons or not. I don't think that many of them would be able to survive alone even if you gave them armor, a spear, and a black American Express card. No guns allowed though because I don't want these jokers to have an unfair advantage. Each week the chosen celebrity will face a large carnivorous animal in The Pit.

The show should last an hour and the first 15-20 minutes should focus on life in the house, celebrity interaction, and whatever minor competitions they participated in during the week. Then the remaining 40 - 45 minutes should focus on The Pit. And it should be live! Wouldn't it be great to see Paris get eaten by a Grizzly Bear? Or to watch Lindsey meet her maker at the hands of a lion?

The best part is that we never have to see the celebrities again after the competition because they will be animal poo. Of course it's possible (but unlikely) that one of the celebrities will get out of the pit before being eaten. But I would say it's pretty improbable since most of them don't even know how to get a drink of water by themselves. Without their posses and assistants these people won't have a chance at survival.

Now don't worry that we might lose a good celebrity like Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, or Matthew Mcconnahey...they are A-listers who would never sign up for a dangerous show like this. You know who will sign up and all of the morons who would sign up for this reality show deserve what they get. Here is the roster of "celebrities" whom I think would sign up for the first (and probably only) season:

Flav A Flav
Andrew Dice Clay
Melissa Rivers
Danny Bonaduce
Paris Hilton
Brigitte Nielson
Tracy Bingham
Britney Spears and/or K-Fed (I hope!)
Tom Sizemore
Heidi Fleiss
Bobby Brown (he needs the cash and it's better than jail)
Star Jones
Aaron Carter
Gary Coleman
Vanilla Ice
Tracy Lords
Jessica Simpson (if her publicist tells her that the lion in the pit is really a cute little kitty)

Now wouldn't you watch that show? That is some good TV! Lets petition Fox or VH1 to get this show on the air this fall. The world will be a better place after all of these people get eaten by bears, mountain lions or tigers.

If we get to air a season 2 the second season can feature "The Tank" instead of "The Pit". The Tank would hold great white sharks and the celebrities who had to go in The Tank would be told that they were filming a scene for a new James Bond movie. But of course, once they entered The Tank they would never return. Unless they can swim really fast of course...

Who Killed Anna Nicole Smith??

The foremost question on every mind these days is "Who killed Anna Nicole?" For those of you who listen to NPR, and, therefore, don't know about this important story, I would just say that you really need to get with the program and start watching the real news which you can find on the E! channel. You know who you are.

I think it is pretty clear that Anna Nicole was murdered. Accidental death? No way. Her body had developed an elephant-like tolerance for drugs and alcohol. No way would a little Valium or methadone take that girl down.

If you have ever seen an interview with her, watched her "reality show" (also on E!), or watched any of her testimony in the trial for her dead husband's money you will agree that she didn't seem like a particularly nice or coherent person. I can't imagine what spending time with her must have been like. It must have been surreal and depressing. It stands to reason that anyone who spent a lot of time around her would, therefore, have had motive to off her. What makes no sense is why they would have waited so long. I would think that any normal person who spent 15 minutes in the same room with that broad would have run screaming from the building. Or in search of a gun. But I am not sure that anyone close to her killed her. I may be the only person in America who feels kind of sorry for Howard K. Stern. He was with her for 15 years and had no other job. No person would be crazy or desperate enough to hang around that goofball for 15 years if he didn't truly care about her. As weird as that sounds.

Who are other possible suspects? Think about who has benefited from her death...

Brad and Angelina and their kids are not on the front page for the first time in about 2 years.

Paris Hilton and her bigoted comments aren't getting the ink they normally would.

A crotch shot of Britney Spears hasn't been published since Anna's death.

Lindsey Lohan has been practically invisible for the past week.

President Bush and the war in Iraq (what you NPR listeners would call "real news") are barely even mentioned on CNN, MSNBC, and Fox anymore.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have all but been been forgotten in the wake of Anna's death.

I think its clear that Paris, Britney, and Lindsey are too coked up and stupid to get Anna murdered. Can you imagine the three of them having a conversation about murdering anyone? "We should, like, kill her. That would be so hot." They would completely screw it up too. Britney would wind up dead, Paris would have sex with whatever guy they were paying to kill Anna, and Lindsey would be late and drunk for the whole event. Also Paris would make a videotape of those the three stooges conspiring which would land them all in prison. So if they tried to do the deed we would certainly have already found out about it on Access Hollywood.

Brad and Angelina might have conspired to sneak drugs into her booze (you know she died from drugs) but I think that they are too consumed with their desire to adopt every child on the African continent to make the time to have Anna killed.

President Bush is a great candidate for two reasons: (a) Anna diverts attention from the anger toward and distrust of his policies that have dominated the news for the past few years, (b) J. Howard Marshall's family is a wealthy Texas family who probably know and are friends with the Bushes. Killing Anna would be killing (literally) two birds with one stone.

But I think that Tom Cruise is probably the real culprit here. He is diabolical, controlling, and sneaky and he has just about had it with the media's conspiracy to spread nasty rumors about him, his wife, and his beloved Church of Scientology. He is rich enough to hire a ninja contract killer (like in that James Bond movie) to sneak into Anna's bedroom and drip just a little bit of untraceable poison in her mouth while she is sleeping and then sneak out undetected. Yeah, that is how it happened.

Anyway, I continue to be fascinated by her death because it's such a train wreck. Just like her life was. I don't think Tom will ever be convicted of her murder. Mainly because her family and friends are so money-hungry and crazy that the police and the media will just focus on them and never look for the "real" killer. Also Tom's contract killer would be too clever and would have too many cool gadgets to help him/her escape after the murder. The killer is probably already sequestered in a Church of Scientology Celebrity Center in the Australian outback. Never to be seen again.