Paris back to jail, is a weeper.

I'd really like to say that I'm above all this Paris crap but the truth is I've been chasing after this story like a 2-year-old chases a cat. Not Nigel, of course, because any kid that chases Nigel quickly receives a bare-clawed, "flashing fur" style kung-fu, pain-induced lesson about chasing cats. I've seen it happen. It haunts my dreams.

So Paris is headed back to jail. I, for one, am happy as hell about it. I did a little happy dance in my cube at work when I heard the news. The Running Man followed by a quick Swim, if you must know.

Did she commit any grievous crime aside from being a drippy, self-involved, walking waste of space? Not really, but what she did was even worse. The lesson here is not to screw with the law. Screw other people (Paris isn't even that good at that, I've seen the tape), screw yourself (haven't seen that tape but sign me up!), really whatever you want to screw is perfectly okay but leave the law out of it. Martha learned her lesson, suck it up and learn yours Paris.

I am please to announce that inherited wealth does not always buy you a get out of jail card, although it can buy you a driver. Maybe you should try that next time, Paris. For now, use your mega-bux to buy an industrial-sized box of prison approved tissues because you'll need them over the next 40 days.

Paris Hilton is Having A Bad Day

Unless you live in an underground bunker of some kind and don't get internet or newspaper delivery you have probably heard that after 3 days in jail, Paris Hilton was released in the dead of night due to "medical issues". Probably due to public outrage and intense media coverage the LA City Attorney released some angry statements to the press about how Paris should still be in jail. Then the City Attorney filed papers with the judge who sentenced Paris in the first place to ask for a hearing to figure out why the hell anyone let this spoiled brat out of jail.

In spite of the fact that a new Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff was just nominated today (Admiral Michael Mullen in case you are interested), Paris Hilton is again dominating all the cable news channels. What? You wonder if the network news channels are covering important news in DC instead of the latest installment of "Paris is a useless bitch"? The answer is "no" because there is no network news at midday - only soap operas.

Anyway, Paris was taken from her home in handcuffs and some enterprising cameraman got the money shot of her crying in the back of a police car. I would feel sorry for anyone else who was crying that hard except Paris Hilton. Fox News showed some footage taken by the TV show EXTRA of the inside of Paris's house which was hilarious. In her home, Paris has a huge poster of herself on the wall and every flat surface is covered with framed photos of herself either alone or with other people. Mostly just photos of her by herself. Maybe that was her problem in jail - not enough glamour shots of herself on the wall. Perhaps if they posted her mug shot in her cell she would feel more at home? I will email the LA County Sheriff with that idea later and see how it goes over.

Where do I start making fun of this? She is such a narcissistic and spoiled rich brat that it is impossible to feel any pity for her at all. For anything. If she were kidnapped by Al Queda terrorists (hint: see my ads in Soldier of Fortune Magazine and Arab Terrorist Monthly) I wouldn't feel sorry for her....I would feel sorry for them for having to put up with all of her b.s.

I am certain that Paris will be back in jail tonight. Unless her lawyer can prove that she needs electroshock therapy there is pretty much no health "issue" that the jail's medical center can't deal with. So she is screwed and will have to go back to jail.

I think the reason the sheriff released her was that the jailers were so sick of having her there that they were willing to accept any excuse to get rid of her. Apparently in her cell there was some kind of an emergency button that inmates can push if they have a medical emergency. Reportedly she was pushing the button constantly and telling her jailers that she was cold and needed more blankets. When she wasn't pushing the emergency button she was wailing, shrieking, and crying. Also she was refusing to eat. In other words she was being a royal pain in the ass and everyone was sick of having her there. Plus, as a bonus, if they kick Paris out of jail they get 2 extra beds which they can use for other inmates since she occupied a whole room to herself.

I wish I could hear her shrink and her lawyer explain to the judge what the "medical issues" were that necessitated that she leave prison for the comforts of home. I wonder if they could get thrown in jail for being stupid enough to suggest to the sheriff that she was too sick to be in jail? Or maybe the judge will just clunk their heads together like they used to do in the Three Stooges.

For those of you who don't watch much TV I would like to emphasize the a few hours before turning herself into jail she was walking the red carpet at the MTV Awards and she didn't seem one bit sick. Stupid, yes. Sick, no. She did look a little ill when MTV Awards Host Sarah Silverman made fun of her on stage. It's hard to imagine that she contracted any illness either physical or mental within the span of 72 hours which necessitated that she should leave jail.

Anyway, she will go back to jail...I am pretty sure of that. I think the Sheriff will be in trouble with the Judge who made it very clear when he sentenced Paris to jail that she had to stay in jail and not house arrest. I also predict that some of the employees at the jail will either quit or commit suicide after being subjected to more of Paris's theatrics.

The only question that remains is this: If Anna Nicole had died at the same time as Paris's latest legal debacle occurred, who would have gotten more coverage? Who would have dominated the news in the trailer trash vs. rich waste of space media showdown? I don't know the answer, it's kind of like that age old question: if a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a noise?

BREAKING NEWS: CNN Reports that Paris was ordered back to jail and was dragged out of court screaming for her mother. Seriously, I am not making that last part up.

My New Favorite Show: The Phil Specter Trial On Court TV

If you haven't been watching this you have to tune in. Phil Specter is SO guilty. Check it out:

He goes out drinking to several bars and restaurants during the course of an evening in LA. Picks up a chick at about 2 am. They go back to his place. His driver, waiting outside his house in the car, sees Specter run out of the house with blood all over his hands while screaming, "I think I killed someone". The driver calls the police who arrive to find the chick (Lana Clarkson is her name) dead with her face blown off with a handgun. Specter didn't call the cops himself but, instead, tried to clean up the crime scene and was beligerant with the cops.

Specter's "defense" is that Lana, a stunning woman whom he had just met, decided at that moment in his home to commit suicide. Yeah right. And I am the Easter bunny. It turns out that she was drunk and had taken a Vicotin too so it's even possible she was asleep when she was killed.

Oh I almost forgot: Specter has a history of getting drunk and crazy-mean and brandishing guns at people. Many times he has done this in public places like parties and at recording studios. Apparently he even pointed his gun and peace-loving John Lennon one time. Now that is a class act. It's amusing to watch as women get on the stand and talk about how Specter chased them around and threatened them with guns (by guns I mean both handguns and shotguns)while the Court TV people talk about how the jury shouldn't consider his prior bad acts.

Yeah right. This guy has "guilty" written all over him. If he gets off maybe he can room with O.J. somewhere. What an a-hole. I don't understand how this crazy wacked out weirdo has managed to elude prison for as long as he has.