Paris's New Fragrance

Paris back to jail, is a weeper.

I'd really like to say that I'm above all this Paris crap but the truth is I've been chasing after this story like a 2-year-old chases a cat. Not Nigel, of course, because any kid that chases Nigel quickly receives a bare-clawed, "flashing fur" style kung-fu, pain-induced lesson about chasing cats. I've seen it happen. It haunts my dreams.

So Paris is headed back to jail. I, for one, am happy as hell about it. I did a little happy dance in my cube at work when I heard the news. The Running Man followed by a quick Swim, if you must know.

Did she commit any grievous crime aside from being a drippy, self-involved, walking waste of space? Not really, but what she did was even worse. The lesson here is not to screw with the law. Screw other people (Paris isn't even that good at that, I've seen the tape), screw yourself (haven't seen that tape but sign me up!), really whatever you want to screw is perfectly okay but leave the law out of it. Martha learned her lesson, suck it up and learn yours Paris.

I am please to announce that inherited wealth does not always buy you a get out of jail card, although it can buy you a driver. Maybe you should try that next time, Paris. For now, use your mega-bux to buy an industrial-sized box of prison approved tissues because you'll need them over the next 40 days.

Paris Hilton is Having A Bad Day

Unless you live in an underground bunker of some kind and don't get internet or newspaper delivery you have probably heard that after 3 days in jail, Paris Hilton was released in the dead of night due to "medical issues". Probably due to public outrage and intense media coverage the LA City Attorney released some angry statements to the press about how Paris should still be in jail. Then the City Attorney filed papers with the judge who sentenced Paris in the first place to ask for a hearing to figure out why the hell anyone let this spoiled brat out of jail.

In spite of the fact that a new Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff was just nominated today (Admiral Michael Mullen in case you are interested), Paris Hilton is again dominating all the cable news channels. What? You wonder if the network news channels are covering important news in DC instead of the latest installment of "Paris is a useless bitch"? The answer is "no" because there is no network news at midday - only soap operas.

Anyway, Paris was taken from her home in handcuffs and some enterprising cameraman got the money shot of her crying in the back of a police car. I would feel sorry for anyone else who was crying that hard except Paris Hilton. Fox News showed some footage taken by the TV show EXTRA of the inside of Paris's house which was hilarious. In her home, Paris has a huge poster of herself on the wall and every flat surface is covered with framed photos of herself either alone or with other people. Mostly just photos of her by herself. Maybe that was her problem in jail - not enough glamour shots of herself on the wall. Perhaps if they posted her mug shot in her cell she would feel more at home? I will email the LA County Sheriff with that idea later and see how it goes over.

Where do I start making fun of this? She is such a narcissistic and spoiled rich brat that it is impossible to feel any pity for her at all. For anything. If she were kidnapped by Al Queda terrorists (hint: see my ads in Soldier of Fortune Magazine and Arab Terrorist Monthly) I wouldn't feel sorry for her....I would feel sorry for them for having to put up with all of her b.s.

I am certain that Paris will be back in jail tonight. Unless her lawyer can prove that she needs electroshock therapy there is pretty much no health "issue" that the jail's medical center can't deal with. So she is screwed and will have to go back to jail.

I think the reason the sheriff released her was that the jailers were so sick of having her there that they were willing to accept any excuse to get rid of her. Apparently in her cell there was some kind of an emergency button that inmates can push if they have a medical emergency. Reportedly she was pushing the button constantly and telling her jailers that she was cold and needed more blankets. When she wasn't pushing the emergency button she was wailing, shrieking, and crying. Also she was refusing to eat. In other words she was being a royal pain in the ass and everyone was sick of having her there. Plus, as a bonus, if they kick Paris out of jail they get 2 extra beds which they can use for other inmates since she occupied a whole room to herself.

I wish I could hear her shrink and her lawyer explain to the judge what the "medical issues" were that necessitated that she leave prison for the comforts of home. I wonder if they could get thrown in jail for being stupid enough to suggest to the sheriff that she was too sick to be in jail? Or maybe the judge will just clunk their heads together like they used to do in the Three Stooges.

For those of you who don't watch much TV I would like to emphasize the a few hours before turning herself into jail she was walking the red carpet at the MTV Awards and she didn't seem one bit sick. Stupid, yes. Sick, no. She did look a little ill when MTV Awards Host Sarah Silverman made fun of her on stage. It's hard to imagine that she contracted any illness either physical or mental within the span of 72 hours which necessitated that she should leave jail.

Anyway, she will go back to jail...I am pretty sure of that. I think the Sheriff will be in trouble with the Judge who made it very clear when he sentenced Paris to jail that she had to stay in jail and not house arrest. I also predict that some of the employees at the jail will either quit or commit suicide after being subjected to more of Paris's theatrics.

The only question that remains is this: If Anna Nicole had died at the same time as Paris's latest legal debacle occurred, who would have gotten more coverage? Who would have dominated the news in the trailer trash vs. rich waste of space media showdown? I don't know the answer, it's kind of like that age old question: if a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a noise?

BREAKING NEWS: CNN Reports that Paris was ordered back to jail and was dragged out of court screaming for her mother. Seriously, I am not making that last part up.

Paris is Finally In Jail

So Paris Hilton is finally in jail and is making more news than ever. I would love to say that this is because it's a slow news day but, sadly, it is because the media is obsessed with her skinny ass. I can't figure it out but she is such a jerk that I have to make fun of her here at Pufatufniks.

Someone is supposedly auctioning off one of the jail jumpsuits that she tried on when she got to the LA jail in which she currently resides. Personally, I think this is fake because the jumpsuit is the property of LA County and I can't believe that anyone authorized a jailhouse flunkie to sell one of their jail suits. I couldn't find the auction on ebay so maybe this rumor isn't true at all.

Someone has created a game that allows you to make license plates as Paris in jail. Kind of cute. Check it out here.

I think that while the media is giving daily reports on what Paris is supposedly doing and how she is behaving in jail the reality is that she probably isn't doing much of anything. She is in solitary confinement and is allowed 3 books or magazines at any one time. She isn't allowed her blackberry or cell phone. So what is Paris doing all day?

My money says she sleeps most of the day and spends the rest of her time trying to figure out what the words say in US Magazine. Or maybe she just looks at all the pictures and drools. This is a first for her: she is alone and only has reading material to keep her company. A lot of people use prison as a chance to study or to read actual books. Paris won't do this. For one thing, 23 days just isn't enough for her to work her way through all the words in East of Eden. Maybe she could get through See Spot Run while she is in the slammer.

I heard that she was planning to keep a jailhouse diary and get it published once she gets out. The crazy thing about this world is that some publisher will probably pay her a bunch of money for her diary (if she keeps one). I just don't think that even the most pop-culture-centric of publishers will be able to create a market for 23 pages of frowney faces accompanied by comments like "this suks" or "I sad".

Texas Chili

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 : Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff ? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 : Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.

Chili # 3 : Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili # 4 : Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? That 300-lb *** is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 : Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.

Chili # 6 : Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 : Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4- inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 : Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

Is Lindsay Lohan An Alcoholic or Just A Fun Loving Scamp?

Recently there has been a lot of media coverage of Lindsay Lohan's (LiLo) most recent drunken car crash. Actually there is pretty much non-stop of media coverage (by coverage, I mean obsession) of Lilo's non-stop partying, drug taking, temper tantrum throwing, drunk driving, screaming fits, public crotch flashing, and generally classy behavior. For the past two nights the "charming", and by "charming" I really mean terrifying, Nancy Grace has dedicated her entire program on Fox to discussing LiLo and her issues.

Ms. Grace isn't the only "journalist" who has devoted a crazy amount of airtime to discussing LiLo and her problems which I think is nuts considering everything else that is going on in the world. I guess with the demise of Anna Nicole the talking heads have to fill that void with another trainwreck and LiLi fits the bill.

Ms. Grace has trotted out various experts who all seem to agree that LiLo has a serious drinking and drug problem. Some of them even think that her behaviour will lead to death if she doesn't immediately get the serious help that only full time rehab can offer. I love the drama and terror that these folks bring to the discussion. My favorite "expert" was the woman from MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) who thinks that LiLo should be charged with attempted murder for driving her car while under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol. Apparently this woman from MADD thinks you can get nominated for an Oscar for Best Dramatic Performance on a News Show. I hope no one tells her that category doesn't exist because then she might tone down her crazy rhetoric which I thought was hillarious.

Here is what I think: most 20-somethings that I knew back when I was in my 20's were drunk every chance they got. I didn't know anyone who did drugs but we all drank like fish at least 4 nights a week. The main differences between us and someone like LiLo were (a) we didn't drink and drive because we lived in a city where you take cabs to get around, (b) the paparazzi didn't follow us around, (c) cell phone cameras hadn't been invented yet (thank god), (d) we had 9-5 jobs instead of jobs where you work for a few months and then get several months off so we had to be sober all day during the week, and (e) we didn't have as much money to buy drinks with as LiLo does.

I don't think LiLo is an alcholic or even a drug addict. I think she is a classless and troubled idiot who should try to wear underpants more often and engage in fewer public fights. Also she might consider some kind of education so that when the media reads and publishes her blackberry messages and excerpts from her MySpace page she won't look like a retarded chimp who types with boxing gloves on. What she really needs is a full time chaperone or maybe a babysitter. Instead she has a mom/pimp who whores her daughter out for the money and fame that it affords her. I would be sympathetic to her if there weren't actual needy people in the world who would kill to have the money an opportunity that this moron wastes every day.

Indifference

Battle of the Morons - Candy Spelling vs Joe Francis

Read these two letters and tell me that these two idiots don't deserve to snipe at each other. Good grief.

Letter to imprisoned "Girls Gone Wild Creator" Joe Francis from Aaron Spelling's widow Candy Spelling who, apparently has too much time on her hands these days.

Dear Joe,

As the headlines about you changed -- to scream "imprisoned" and "U.S. marshals" instead of "filmmaker" and "entrepreneur," you respond by crying, wailing and seeing yourself as a victim. Bad move. Today's headlines call you a "crybaby."

You blew it, Joe. Instead of jumping from party to party, you're being shuffled from one prison to another. And no one feels sorry for you. The flatterers and entourages have moved on. They have short attention spans. They're hanging on to someone else and will take advantage of the new "temp celebrity" as long as it lasts.

The only redeeming factor is reading that you have been calling home every day from prison. When things are looking bleak, it sounds like you've found that you can get some perspective from the reliable people at home. Maybe you're realizing these are the only people who really care about you.

Your world has changed, and you're the poster boy for what can happen when boys go wild. Your every move and every emotion are still being reported, but not the way you want. It's time for some dignity. At least it might prevent you from being forever defined as a crybaby.

Sincerely,

Candy Spelling

Joe Francis has fired back at Candy Spelling for the open letter posted this morning on TMZ.com Francis is currently in Federal custody. Spelling's letter was read to Francis this morning by phone. Francis tells TMZ he wrote the response himself.

Dear Candy:

I don't know you, I have never met you and I don't know anything about you. After reading your letter posted on the internet, my mental picture of you is of a lonely old woman living in a mansion in Holmby Hills with let's say 300 cats jumping around, some in their own feces.

I have tried to think to myself what would compel a woman such as yourself to write a letter to someone they have never met? Even worse, you are making up your mind based on headlines. I can understand you writing Paris Hilton a letter out of care because as you said in your letter, you have known her most of her life. Then again, it's sad and pathetic you had the audacity to post that letter on the internet instead of just sending it to Paris personally.

Candy, you don't know any of the facts concerning my situation. I am a hardworking, compassionate and honest person. I will prevail just as I have in the past because overcoming adversity is not only a part of the entrepreneurial experience but a part of life. You should appreciate this and know this more than anyone and I am ashamed of you for forgetting how hard it is to make it in this world and the people who would love to tear you down because you have. Sadly, it appears you have become one of those people.

Contrary to what you have said in your letter, my world has not changed. My business Girls Gone Wild is thriving and posted record sales last month. Most important, my friends and my family (I love you guys....) have stood by me. This whole situation will be over soon and I will be standing strong.

I have never played a victim but I have always been a fighter. I will ultimately prevail in the matters at hand but I am concerned that you will die a lonely and unfulfilled person playing with those cats and posting open letters to people you have never met on the internet.

Sincerely,

Joe Francis

My New Favorite Show: The Phil Specter Trial On Court TV

If you haven't been watching this you have to tune in. Phil Specter is SO guilty. Check it out:

He goes out drinking to several bars and restaurants during the course of an evening in LA. Picks up a chick at about 2 am. They go back to his place. His driver, waiting outside his house in the car, sees Specter run out of the house with blood all over his hands while screaming, "I think I killed someone". The driver calls the police who arrive to find the chick (Lana Clarkson is her name) dead with her face blown off with a handgun. Specter didn't call the cops himself but, instead, tried to clean up the crime scene and was beligerant with the cops.

Specter's "defense" is that Lana, a stunning woman whom he had just met, decided at that moment in his home to commit suicide. Yeah right. And I am the Easter bunny. It turns out that she was drunk and had taken a Vicotin too so it's even possible she was asleep when she was killed.

Oh I almost forgot: Specter has a history of getting drunk and crazy-mean and brandishing guns at people. Many times he has done this in public places like parties and at recording studios. Apparently he even pointed his gun and peace-loving John Lennon one time. Now that is a class act. It's amusing to watch as women get on the stand and talk about how Specter chased them around and threatened them with guns (by guns I mean both handguns and shotguns)while the Court TV people talk about how the jury shouldn't consider his prior bad acts.

Yeah right. This guy has "guilty" written all over him. If he gets off maybe he can room with O.J. somewhere. What an a-hole. I don't understand how this crazy wacked out weirdo has managed to elude prison for as long as he has.

Water vs Wine. You Decide.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There's no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it as a public service.