Pufatufniks

Paris's New Fragrance

2007-06-20T13:16:00.000-06:00

Paris back to jail, is a weeper.

2007-06-08T13:21:00.000-06:00

I'd really like to say that I'm above all this Paris crap but the truth is I've been chasing after this story like a 2-year-old chases a cat. Not Nigel, of course, because any kid that chases Nigel quickly receives a bare-clawed, "flashing fur" style kung-fu, pain-induced lesson about chasing cats. I've seen it happen. It haunts my dreams.

So Paris is headed back to jail. I, for one, am happy as hell about it. I did a little happy dance in my cube at work when I heard the news. The Running Man followed by a quick Swim, if you must know.

Did she commit any grievous crime aside from being a drippy, self-involved, walking waste of space? Not really, but what she did was even worse. The lesson here is not to screw with the law. Screw other people (Paris isn't even that good at that, I've seen the tape), screw yourself (haven't seen that tape but sign me up!), really whatever you want to screw is perfectly okay but leave the law out of it. Martha learned her lesson, suck it up and learn yours Paris.

I am please to announce that inherited wealth does not always buy you a get out of jail card, although it can buy you a driver. Maybe you should try that next time, Paris. For now, use your mega-bux to buy an industrial-sized box of prison approved tissues because you'll need them over the next 40 days.

Paris Hilton is Having A Bad Day

2007-06-08T12:44:00.000-06:00

Unless you live in an underground bunker of some kind and don't get internet or newspaper delivery you have probably heard that after 3 days in jail, Paris Hilton was released in the dead of night due to "medical issues". Probably due to public outrage and intense media coverage the LA City Attorney released some angry statements to the press about how Paris should still be in jail. Then the City Attorney filed papers with the judge who sentenced Paris in the first place to ask for a hearing to figure out why the hell anyone let this spoiled brat out of jail.

In spite of the fact that a new Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff was just nominated today (Admiral Michael Mullen in case you are interested), Paris Hilton is again dominating all the cable news channels. What? You wonder if the network news channels are covering important news in DC instead of the latest installment of "Paris is a useless bitch"? The answer is "no" because there is no network news at midday - only soap operas.

Anyway, Paris was taken from her home in handcuffs and some enterprising cameraman got the money shot of her crying in the back of a police car. I would feel sorry for anyone else who was crying that hard except Paris Hilton. Fox News showed some footage taken by the TV show EXTRA of the inside of Paris's house which was hilarious. In her home, Paris has a huge poster of herself on the wall and every flat surface is covered with framed photos of herself either alone or with other people. Mostly just photos of her by herself. Maybe that was her problem in jail - not enough glamour shots of herself on the wall. Perhaps if they posted her mug shot in her cell she would feel more at home? I will email the LA County Sheriff with that idea later and see how it goes over.

Where do I start making fun of this? She is such a narcissistic and spoiled rich brat that it is impossible to feel any pity for her at all. For anything. If she were kidnapped by Al Queda terrorists (hint: see my ads in Soldier of Fortune Magazine and Arab Terrorist Monthly) I wouldn't feel sorry for her....I would feel sorry for them for having to put up with all of her b.s.

I am certain that Paris will be back in jail tonight. Unless her lawyer can prove that she needs electroshock therapy there is pretty much no health "issue" that the jail's medical center can't deal with. So she is screwed and will have to go back to jail.

I think the reason the sheriff released her was that the jailers were so sick of having her there that they were willing to accept any excuse to get rid of her. Apparently in her cell there was some kind of an emergency button that inmates can push if they have a medical emergency. Reportedly she was pushing the button constantly and telling her jailers that she was cold and needed more blankets. When she wasn't pushing the emergency button she was wailing, shrieking, and crying. Also she was refusing to eat. In other words she was being a royal pain in the ass and everyone was sick of having her there. Plus, as a bonus, if they kick Paris out of jail they get 2 extra beds which they can use for other inmates since she occupied a whole room to herself.

I wish I could hear her shrink and her lawyer explain to the judge what the "medical issues" were that necessitated that she leave prison for the comforts of home. I wonder if they could get thrown in jail for being stupid enough to suggest to the sheriff that she was too sick to be in jail? Or maybe the judge will just clunk their heads together like they used to do in the Three Stooges.

For those of you who don't watch much TV I would like to emphasize the a few hours before turning herself into jail she was walking the red carpet at the MTV Awards and she didn't seem one bit sick. Stupid, yes. Sick, no. She did look a little ill when MTV Awards Host Sarah Silverman made fun of her on stage. It's hard to imagine that she contracted any illness either physical or mental within the span of 72 hours which necessitated that she should leave jail.

Anyway, she will go back to jail...I am pretty sure of that. I think the Sheriff will be in trouble with the Judge who made it very clear when he sentenced Paris to jail that she had to stay in jail and not house arrest. I also predict that some of the employees at the jail will either quit or commit suicide after being subjected to more of Paris's theatrics.

The only question that remains is this: If Anna Nicole had died at the same time as Paris's latest legal debacle occurred, who would have gotten more coverage? Who would have dominated the news in the trailer trash vs. rich waste of space media showdown? I don't know the answer, it's kind of like that age old question: if a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a noise?

BREAKING NEWS: CNN Reports that Paris was ordered back to jail and was dragged out of court screaming for her mother. Seriously, I am not making that last part up.

Paris is Finally In Jail

2007-06-05T08:32:00.000-06:00

So Paris Hilton is finally in jail and is making more news than ever. I would love to say that this is because it's a slow news day but, sadly, it is because the media is obsessed with her skinny ass. I can't figure it out but she is such a jerk that I have to make fun of her here at Pufatufniks.

Someone is supposedly auctioning off one of the jail jumpsuits that she tried on when she got to the LA jail in which she currently resides. Personally, I think this is fake because the jumpsuit is the property of LA County and I can't believe that anyone authorized a jailhouse flunkie to sell one of their jail suits. I couldn't find the auction on ebay so maybe this rumor isn't true at all.

Someone has created a game that allows you to make license plates as Paris in jail. Kind of cute. Check it out here.

I think that while the media is giving daily reports on what Paris is supposedly doing and how she is behaving in jail the reality is that she probably isn't doing much of anything. She is in solitary confinement and is allowed 3 books or magazines at any one time. She isn't allowed her blackberry or cell phone. So what is Paris doing all day?

My money says she sleeps most of the day and spends the rest of her time trying to figure out what the words say in US Magazine. Or maybe she just looks at all the pictures and drools. This is a first for her: she is alone and only has reading material to keep her company. A lot of people use prison as a chance to study or to read actual books. Paris won't do this. For one thing, 23 days just isn't enough for her to work her way through all the words in East of Eden. Maybe she could get through See Spot Run while she is in the slammer.

I heard that she was planning to keep a jailhouse diary and get it published once she gets out. The crazy thing about this world is that some publisher will probably pay her a bunch of money for her diary (if she keeps one). I just don't think that even the most pop-culture-centric of publishers will be able to create a market for 23 pages of frowney faces accompanied by comments like "this suks" or "I sad".

Texas Chili

2007-06-03T10:56:00.001-06:00

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 : Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff ? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 : Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.

Chili # 3 : Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili # 4 : Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? That 300-lb *** is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 : Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.

Chili # 6 : Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 : Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4- inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 : Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

Is Lindsay Lohan An Alcoholic or Just A Fun Loving Scamp?

2007-05-31T10:47:00.000-06:00

Recently there has been a lot of media coverage of Lindsay Lohan's (LiLo) most recent drunken car crash. Actually there is pretty much non-stop of media coverage (by coverage, I mean obsession) of Lilo's non-stop partying, drug taking, temper tantrum throwing, drunk driving, screaming fits, public crotch flashing, and generally classy behavior. For the past two nights the "charming", and by "charming" I really mean terrifying, Nancy Grace has dedicated her entire program on Fox to discussing LiLo and her issues.

Ms. Grace isn't the only "journalist" who has devoted a crazy amount of airtime to discussing LiLo and her problems which I think is nuts considering everything else that is going on in the world. I guess with the demise of Anna Nicole the talking heads have to fill that void with another trainwreck and LiLi fits the bill.

Ms. Grace has trotted out various experts who all seem to agree that LiLo has a serious drinking and drug problem. Some of them even think that her behaviour will lead to death if she doesn't immediately get the serious help that only full time rehab can offer. I love the drama and terror that these folks bring to the discussion. My favorite "expert" was the woman from MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) who thinks that LiLo should be charged with attempted murder for driving her car while under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol. Apparently this woman from MADD thinks you can get nominated for an Oscar for Best Dramatic Performance on a News Show. I hope no one tells her that category doesn't exist because then she might tone down her crazy rhetoric which I thought was hillarious.

Here is what I think: most 20-somethings that I knew back when I was in my 20's were drunk every chance they got. I didn't know anyone who did drugs but we all drank like fish at least 4 nights a week. The main differences between us and someone like LiLo were (a) we didn't drink and drive because we lived in a city where you take cabs to get around, (b) the paparazzi didn't follow us around, (c) cell phone cameras hadn't been invented yet (thank god), (d) we had 9-5 jobs instead of jobs where you work for a few months and then get several months off so we had to be sober all day during the week, and (e) we didn't have as much money to buy drinks with as LiLo does.

I don't think LiLo is an alcholic or even a drug addict. I think she is a classless and troubled idiot who should try to wear underpants more often and engage in fewer public fights. Also she might consider some kind of education so that when the media reads and publishes her blackberry messages and excerpts from her MySpace page she won't look like a retarded chimp who types with boxing gloves on. What she really needs is a full time chaperone or maybe a babysitter. Instead she has a mom/pimp who whores her daughter out for the money and fame that it affords her. I would be sympathetic to her if there weren't actual needy people in the world who would kill to have the money an opportunity that this moron wastes every day.

Indifference

2007-05-26T15:38:00.000-06:00

Battle of the Morons - Candy Spelling vs Joe Francis

2007-05-21T09:18:00.001-06:00

Read these two letters and tell me that these two idiots don't deserve to snipe at each other. Good grief.

Letter to imprisoned "Girls Gone Wild Creator" Joe Francis from Aaron Spelling's widow Candy Spelling who, apparently has too much time on her hands these days.

Dear Joe,

As the headlines about you changed -- to scream "imprisoned" and "U.S. marshals" instead of "filmmaker" and "entrepreneur," you respond by crying, wailing and seeing yourself as a victim. Bad move. Today's headlines call you a "crybaby."

You blew it, Joe. Instead of jumping from party to party, you're being shuffled from one prison to another. And no one feels sorry for you. The flatterers and entourages have moved on. They have short attention spans. They're hanging on to someone else and will take advantage of the new "temp celebrity" as long as it lasts.

The only redeeming factor is reading that you have been calling home every day from prison. When things are looking bleak, it sounds like you've found that you can get some perspective from the reliable people at home. Maybe you're realizing these are the only people who really care about you.

Your world has changed, and you're the poster boy for what can happen when boys go wild. Your every move and every emotion are still being reported, but not the way you want. It's time for some dignity. At least it might prevent you from being forever defined as a crybaby.

Sincerely,

Candy Spelling

Joe Francis has fired back at Candy Spelling for the open letter posted this morning on TMZ.com Francis is currently in Federal custody. Spelling's letter was read to Francis this morning by phone. Francis tells TMZ he wrote the response himself.

Dear Candy:

I don't know you, I have never met you and I don't know anything about you. After reading your letter posted on the internet, my mental picture of you is of a lonely old woman living in a mansion in Holmby Hills with let's say 300 cats jumping around, some in their own feces.

I have tried to think to myself what would compel a woman such as yourself to write a letter to someone they have never met? Even worse, you are making up your mind based on headlines. I can understand you writing Paris Hilton a letter out of care because as you said in your letter, you have known her most of her life. Then again, it's sad and pathetic you had the audacity to post that letter on the internet instead of just sending it to Paris personally.

Candy, you don't know any of the facts concerning my situation. I am a hardworking, compassionate and honest person. I will prevail just as I have in the past because overcoming adversity is not only a part of the entrepreneurial experience but a part of life. You should appreciate this and know this more than anyone and I am ashamed of you for forgetting how hard it is to make it in this world and the people who would love to tear you down because you have. Sadly, it appears you have become one of those people.

Contrary to what you have said in your letter, my world has not changed. My business Girls Gone Wild is thriving and posted record sales last month. Most important, my friends and my family (I love you guys....) have stood by me. This whole situation will be over soon and I will be standing strong.

I have never played a victim but I have always been a fighter. I will ultimately prevail in the matters at hand but I am concerned that you will die a lonely and unfulfilled person playing with those cats and posting open letters to people you have never met on the internet.

Sincerely,

Joe Francis

My New Favorite Show: The Phil Specter Trial On Court TV

2007-04-27T14:31:00.000-06:00

If you haven't been watching this you have to tune in. Phil Specter is SO guilty. Check it out:

He goes out drinking to several bars and restaurants during the course of an evening in LA. Picks up a chick at about 2 am. They go back to his place. His driver, waiting outside his house in the car, sees Specter run out of the house with blood all over his hands while screaming, "I think I killed someone". The driver calls the police who arrive to find the chick (Lana Clarkson is her name) dead with her face blown off with a handgun. Specter didn't call the cops himself but, instead, tried to clean up the crime scene and was beligerant with the cops.

Specter's "defense" is that Lana, a stunning woman whom he had just met, decided at that moment in his home to commit suicide. Yeah right. And I am the Easter bunny. It turns out that she was drunk and had taken a Vicotin too so it's even possible she was asleep when she was killed.

Oh I almost forgot: Specter has a history of getting drunk and crazy-mean and brandishing guns at people. Many times he has done this in public places like parties and at recording studios. Apparently he even pointed his gun and peace-loving John Lennon one time. Now that is a class act. It's amusing to watch as women get on the stand and talk about how Specter chased them around and threatened them with guns (by guns I mean both handguns and shotguns)while the Court TV people talk about how the jury shouldn't consider his prior bad acts.

Yeah right. This guy has "guilty" written all over him. If he gets off maybe he can room with O.J. somewhere. What an a-hole. I don't understand how this crazy wacked out weirdo has managed to elude prison for as long as he has.

Water vs Wine. You Decide.

2007-04-18T14:40:00.000-06:00

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There's no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it as a public service.

Who Wants To Have Some Fun?

2007-04-17T14:32:00.000-06:00

This Will Farrell video is freaking hillarious!!!

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1754070/

WTF? Candy Spelling Writes A Letter to Larry Birkhead

2007-04-09T13:20:00.000-06:00

Candy Spelling's House

Candy Spelling

It's just so hard to know where to start with this one. All I can say is WTF??!! Why would Candy Spelling, widow of uber-TV-producer Aaron Spelling, write a letter to a guy she doesn't even know and post it on TMZ? This makes even less sense than Paris Hilton's whole life.

Candy doesn't need the publicity since she is way more famous than Birkhead and she has more money than God. In fact I always thought that Candy Spelling was a bit of a recluse who didn't even want the media spotlight on her. This letter is so retarded too. I am sure that Larry Birkhead was really looking for Candy's opinion of his hairstyle. What a weirdo.
* * * * *
With the DNA results in the Anna Nicole Smith paternity case set to be revealed tomorrow, Candy Spelling, one of Hollywood's most noTORIous mothers, has come exclusively to TMZ to offer Larry Birkhead advice on everything from handling fame, to mitigating exorbitant lawyer fees -- even personal grooming!

Check out Candy's letter:

Dear Larry:

As the court appearance that will change your life approaches, I am stepping into my role as a celebrity-by-association to share some experiences with you.

1) The hair, Larry: Most of the time, your hair looks great, and I'm sure you spend a lot of time getting it right. Just be warned that you might look good every day for a month. But the one day you leave in a hurry and don't pay enough attention, or you get a little wild with an untested new style -- photos will be taken that will haunt you forever.

ebay logo2) Fans/autograph seekers: Hollywood lives in fear of being yesterday's celebrity and ending up with an autograph languishing on eBay for days with no bids. If people want many copies, if they don't want you to personalize it, and/or they ask for Anna Nicole's name as part of your signature, nicely decline. If you slip and do see your autograph on sale, have a good friend bid more than 99 cents to buy it.

3) The lawyers: You've already found out that you have turned from man to cash machine. Lawyers aren't the only ones who will see you that way, especially if you are Dannielynn's biological father. The good news is that someone who presents you with a bill for $620,492.84 must think you have a good case. The bad news is that you will need more lawyers to fight the legal bills. My advice: Negotiate in advance, and put in a clause against expenses for lawyers, spouses, meals or laundry.

I wish you success in court on Tuesday, but beware: There's never enough preparation for "celebrity." I'll never get used to tour buses and cameras outside my house every day, reporters analyzing my grocery choices, and bloggers pretending to know more about my family than I do; but I do have a good life. Yours can be, too. Just remember that celebrity and/or money mean that nothing will ever be the same -- and act accordingly.

All the best,

Candy Spelling

Thought For The Day: Stupidity

2007-04-08T16:51:00.000-06:00

Thought for The Day: Teamwork

2007-04-05T10:58:00.001-06:00

Sons of Hollywood, I Mean Loserville.

2007-04-02T20:52:00.000-06:00

As a frequent viewer of reality TV shows like Hogan Knows Best, The Real Housewives of Orange County, and Work Out I am used to watching vacuous and shallow people perform the mundane tasks and endure the non-stop quasi-drama that comprise their daily lives. I have a great tolerance for dumb TV shows. In fact I used to watch the Anna Nicole Smith Show (possibly the dumbest show with the dumbest star of all time)...may she rest in peace. With that said, I have to say that I have never ever in my whole life seen a show as pointless, depressing, and inane as the new A&E "reality" show called Sons of Hollywood.

Maybe I am not ready for male celebutards yet. Seeing Paris, Lindsey, and Britney in the media has increased my tolerance for watching stupid slutty chicks flash their crotches in public while screaming obscenities at each other. It doesn't faze me anymore...it's all in a days TV watching. But to watch 3 stupid and not-even-good- looking guys run around naked (yes, one of them does), primp in the mirror, get hammered in clubs, drive fancy cars, and get into fights with each other just made me bored and kind of depressed.

The three "stars" (who coincidentally are all producers of this train wreck) of Sons of Hollywood are: Randy Spelling (son of Aaron Spelling), Sean Stewart (son of Rod Stewart), and David Weintraub whose dad isn't famous at all. First of all, I didn't even know that Rod Stewart had a son and if Rod was watching the show last night I am certain that he will disown that little spawn of Satan faster than you can say "your trust fund is cut off and I changed the locks you little bastard".

Frankly, I was happier when I had never heard of Sean Stewart. I think that watching him for an hour actually lowered my IQ by a few points. This moron had his clothes off for at least half of the show for no reason at all and he's not even good looking. That is right...he was chasing his roommates around their house naked. Oh yeah, did I mention that these 3 are roommates? Sean seems to have serious anger issues and a tendency to start fights with his roommates for no reason. He is recently out of rehab. Shocker. He also has no talent for anything except pants-dropping although the show claims that he is an aspiring rock star. In fact he says he will be an even bigger star than his dad. Uh huh. Yeah, right. I'm holding my breath for that CD to drop. Tickets to his concerts (if he ever has any) may be in as much demand as tix to a Kevin Federline concert.

On to loser #2. Randy Spelling actually seems like the only semi-decent human being of the bunch. But that is like saying that pizza tastes better than dog poo. The bar isn't set real high in the decency department with this crew. During both of the first two episodes (30 mins each) that premiered back-to-back Randy deals with the fact that his father, Aaron, is literally on his deathbed. Very sad. But the saddest thing is that at no point does Randy drive across town and visit his dad. He does call him and tell him to eat some food though. I guess that counts as genuine affection in LA.

In the second episode the 3 young rascals head to Vegas for a break from their busy (?) schedule of partying when Randy gets a call from a family friend to tell him that his dad's health has taken a turn for the worse. Do you think that Randy flew right home to be at his dad's side during his last hours on earth? Of course not. But he did stay at the hotel to "get some space" while his buddies wrought havoc on a local golf course (Sean took his shirt off on the course in violation of club rules, that little scamp). I guess taking a break from the party is what passes for love and affection in Hollywood. See what I mean about the show being depressing?!?

The third guy in the crew is David Weintraub who proclaims on the show that Aaron Spelling was the closest thing to a dad that he ever had since his dad wasn't around. (He wasn't in any hurry to visit his dying surrogate dad either.) So, how did this dude get on the show? The title is "Sons of Hollywood" which led me to believe that these were all the pampered offspring of celebrities. Hmm...maybe he put himself on the show because (a) he wants to be famous, and (b) no one else can stand to be around the other two losers, and (c) he is one of the producers. Yeah, that is probably why he is on the show because he isn't from a famous family that is for sure.

I googled Mr. Weintraub and found out that he is the only one of the goofball trio to spend any money on an education. He graduated from USC and he works as a talent agent for some sketchy agency with a crappy website. On the show he pronounces that he is a "cutthroat mo-fo and that he MAKES careers for his clients". As far as I can tell his only clients are Randy and Sean and their only project is this stupid show. Of course he drives a really nice car so that we will all be impressed by his success.

David seems to be the voice of reason(ish) in the group. For example, when Sean goes into a pointless rage over nothing and starts throwing food at Randy during a nice dinner in Las Vegas David plays peace maker. Sort of. The solution to the problem is for Randy to go back to their room (penthouse suite at the Palms of course) and after he leaves David says to Sean, "Sean, calm down, what did he do to upset you?" WTF? That kind of reasoning is what caused Sean to become the worthless coked-up monster that he is. His parents probably let him get away with tantrums all the time. He needs a beat down in a huge way.

I would pay to watch an actual manly guy (or maybe Snoop Dogg or 50 Cent) bitch slap that little shit. In fact that is the only way I will watch this show again: if Sean Stewart is beaten to a pulp on live TV. Or maybe dropped into boiling oil. Ooh..that is a good one. Or maybe he could be forced to have sex with Paris Hilton and Courtney Love together and then dipped in honey and thrown into the polar bear pit at the zoo.

Wait, that wouldn't be fair to the poor bears. Well I will have to think of a fitting penalty for that little punk. Any ideas? The truth is that my life will be happier and more full of joy if I never lay eyes on any of those guys again. The show sucks. Don't waste your time.

Silly Joke

2007-04-01T18:21:00.000-06:00

Happy April Fools Day!

2007-04-01T18:18:00.000-06:00

Invest Wisely (This One Is For Matt)

2007-04-01T09:14:00.000-06:00

Remember this one as you are planning your future . . .

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year go, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $0 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00 remaining.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

Alcohol

2007-03-31T12:39:00.000-06:00

Are You Bored? Do You Like Cheese? Then Look No Further Than This Post For A Good Time.

2007-03-31T09:56:00.000-06:00

If you don't have anything better to do you can log on to Cheddar TV which is a website where you can watch (in real time)some cheddar cheese age/mature. Right now the cheese has been aging for 99 days 10 hours 58 minutes and 5 seconds. No idea what happens when it matures though.

Maybe you also get to watch someone package it up and send it to the store. Or maybe they cut it and eat it. The only way to know for sure is to watch the non-stop action. I don't have time to monitor this as closely as it deserves because I have to do some yard work. And wash my hair. But if anyone reading this wants to give us an update on the cheese situation from time to time please feel free to do so.

By the way, this is no joke...I can't make stuff like this up.

Amusing Thought For The Weekend: Stupidity

2007-03-31T08:56:00.000-06:00

Tom Cruise: Lunatic Extraordinaire

2007-03-28T14:21:00.001-06:00

If you haven't seen the cover of the most recent US Magazine, you must check it out. Poor Katie looks exhausted and unhappy. Have you noticed that Katie is almost never photographed without her baby, Suri? If she was a Midwestern housewife that might not be so odd but in the world of celebrity breeding customs it is a tad strange that she would take the kid with her everywhere. Where's the nanny? In contrast I don't think Britney Spears could pick her kids out of a lineup.

The fact that Tom Cruise is a control freak isn't really news but seeing the exhaustion in poor Katie's face kind of made me sad for her. Well sort of...what did the stupid broad think she was getting into when she sold her soul to Tom and the Cult of Scientology (or Crazyology as I like to call it)?

Remember when you were in high school and the movie Top Gun first came out? Tom Cruise was the hottest guy on the planet then and you (possibly) even dreamed of marrying him. Those days are over in light of his public craziness. I have to say that I would never trade my life for hers no matter how many private jets I got to fly in and how much shopping I got to do. Her life seems like a living hell to me.

Another odd thing that isn't talked about in the media much is the fact that Katie lives not just with her new husband Tom but with several members of his family in a 6,500 sq foot home in California. A 6,000 square foot home sounds large except when you consider that 9 people live there (Tom, Katie, Suri, Tom's mom, Tom's sister, two of Tom's nephews, and Tom's two kids Connor and Isabella). To put it in perspective, my house is about 3,000 square feet and only 2 people live in it...we have plenty of space but if one other person lived here I think that none of us would have any privacy.

So Katie gets married and lives with Tom's whole family. Good grief. It's like some kind of old fashioned South American marriage where the bride moves in with the groom's family because they can't afford their own place yet. It has been my experience that most brides who enter into such arrangements complain about being unhappy a lot and pressure their husbands to get them a home of their own. But I guess with all the Scientology brainwashing that is taking up her time poor Katie doesn't have much time to complain about privacy.

Let this be a lesson to all you young girls out there: don't marry for money or you may wind up in a gilded prison and married to a controlling lunatic who makes you join a cult and live with his whole family who are also in the cult. And, if you don't take your pills properly the lunatic may knock you up which means that he now controls you and your spawn for a very long time.

I can't see the "happily ever after" in this story. But, hey, maybe I am just a cynic.

Worst Neighbor Award

2007-03-28T14:01:00.000-06:00

We all have times when we're not exactly the best neighbor - maybe we host a late night loud party or our lawn gets a little overgrown, but I had an absolutely infuriating experience with my neighbor this morning. It is for this reason that I am nominating Quack (yup, that's his name), his bird - Polly, his dog - Buddy, and the rest of his family ("Quack & Co.") for the Worst Neighbor Award. I know my fabulous friend Liz also has a couple neighbors she could probably nominate.

Reasons why Quack & Co. deserve this award:

This morning when my fabulous husband went to our garbage can to throw in our trash for pick up this morning, he discovered that someone had thrown in a bag of trash, about 70 magazines and 12 broken floor tiles into our trash can. We had plenty of room, so he didn't think to much of it, but when he came into the house to tell me about the little gift one of our neighbors left us - I WAS LIVID. Even horrible people who kick puppies don't stick their garbage in a neighbor's trash can (well maybe they do, but I don't know people who kick puppies). I'm not a big fan of garbage - but I was so mad that I went out to my own garbage can, fished out a magazine so that I could determine the address of the offender. It was Quack & Co. I then emptied all of their garbage from MY can and dumped it on their trash can area - not it the trash can, just by it. I should have scattered it in their front yard, but the idea of my hands' prolonged exposure to a neighbors' trash was not very unappealing. I then promptly took a shower and thought of ways to get even . . .

Quack continuously throws the ball to his dog, Buddy, in our yard. We have lots of Buddy's brown, steamy gifts in our front yard.

Quack tells awkward stories when he corners us to talk, like the time he shot a man.

He rides around the neighborhood on a noisy motorcycle, with a parrot on his shoulder and an unleashed, poo-happy dog running by his side.

Okay, those are my reason - I'm sure are others, I just can't think of them right now. Go ahead fabulous friend Liz, try to top my neighbor!

Thought for the Day

2007-03-26T16:28:00.000-06:00

Shocker

2007-03-26T10:15:00.000-06:00

It took 6 weeks for the Broward County Medical Examiner to figure out that Anna Nicole died of a drug overdose. Everyone else on the planet figured it out about 5 minutes after she died. But this wasn't any normal overdose of course...a normal person might OD on one drug. Not Anna. Her tolerance for narcotics will go down in history in the same category (the WTF category) as legendary rocker Keith Richards.

Anna was taking nine drugs, including valium, ativan, antihistimines, and chloral hydrate. She was also taking muscle relaxers. Oh, and it turns out that she had been injected in the butt with a dirty needle which had caused a pretty nasty abscess on her ass. Now there is a lovely visual for you.

This woman was a living wonder. Anyone else who was taking that combination of drugs in such huge quantities would have died years ago. In fact your average African Elephant would be dead from half of that amount. Now that she is dead the cost of prescription meds are going to skyrocket because her drug use alone probably kept at least one drug company in business. No wait, Courtney Love is set to start using again any day...maybe drug prices are safe for awhile!

Thought For The Day: Indifference

2007-03-25T11:46:00.001-06:00

Uses for My Fabulous New Ring

2007-03-23T10:59:00.000-06:00

My fabulous friend Liz was in Houston earlier this week (maybe you've seen her posts), and when she returned she brought back with her some fabulous gifts for me. A picture of the most fabulous gift can be found above. I can only imagine how much painstaking time (at least 5 minutes) it took for Liz to find this truly beautiful ring, not to mention the cost (which an appraiser told me is worth at least $2.24).

Not only is it a fabulous ring, but I also thought of several other uses for it:

Disco ball - perfect for any party I want to start at a moments' notice

Moon rock for a blind kid - I know you can't feel the ring - but I'm sure that I could trick a blind kid into thinking that it's a moon rock. I'm sure it would make their day.

The light thingy from Lord of the Rings that scares away spiders - that would be something of worth to my arachnophobe husband.

Weapon - if I hit someone just right, I'm sure it could cause a slight bruise.

Light reflector - if I wore it out in the dark, I bet cars would see me

Microphone - not sure it work, but if I glued it to a real microphone - it would be sparkly.

Card hood light for the Pufatufnik Police - you could see this coming from miles away, then all I'd need to do is stick my head out the window and make a siren noise.

I'm sure I could come up with several more wonderful uses for this fabulous gift, but for right now it makes a perfect ring. I bet most people think it's real.

Amusing Thought For The Day: Madness

2007-03-22T09:31:00.000-06:00

Best Meal Ever

2007-03-21T18:39:00.000-06:00

Once again I have been absent from the blog. No great excuse except for some traveling and general busyness . . . all of this is totally unacceptable to my fabulous friend Liz, I'm sure. I'm making a new end of March 2007 resolution to write at least one post every two days. I know my fabulous friend Liz posts at least once a day to no less than 15 blogs, so I can certainly post at least .5 times a day.

This past weekend, my fabulous husband, who has a fabulous name, invited several of his college friends into town for some SXSW festivities. In addition to one drunk husband and three drunk husband-friends, we had an additional dog (we were pet sitting), two space aliens (from the E! Network) and 15 cases of beer in our house. I was a little overwhelmed from all the activity and commotion in my house - so my fabulous friend Liz invited me over to her house to have pizza and watch Casino Royale (Daniel Craig is yummy). Little did I know what she and her fabulous husband Jonathan were planning . . .

I arrived at Liz & Jonathan's home in late afternoon and was greeted by two excited puppies and a sleeping cat with attitude. I went on a walking-like excursion with the largest dog, Kodi; and soon after I returned; L & J came through the door bearing gifts. It wasn't pizza . . .

Jonathan and Liz had purchased 3 large filets, and Jonathan was planning to grill the steaks, make homemade french fries and prepare what is perhaps my second favorite dessert in the entire world (after the famous Jonathan chocolate cake - Hope are you there?). Needless to say, I was like a pig in poop. I was drooling before dinner was even served - I'd never even had homemade french fries before! This was the best meal ever (at least in recent memory . . .which only goes back about a week).

My fabulous husband really missed out on a wonderful meal. As I was leaving Liz & Jonathan's house, I called my fabulous husband to make sure he was okay and that he didn't need a ride. He drunkly invited me to IHOP (and I do like IHOP), but after the meal I had just eaten - eating IHOP would be like eating poop dirt.

Mutton Bustin'

2007-03-20T13:13:00.000-06:00

Last weekend Jonathan and I went to the Star of Texas Rodeo Austin which was so fun that we bought tickets to the finals this weekend. One of the events they have at this particular rodeo is called Mutton Bustin' and it was one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Basically, they put 5 year old kids on the backs of sheep and the winner is the kid who stays on the sheep longest. My fabulous friend Whitney (white shirt, back to the camera in the photo below) was volunteer at this event. Her job was to pick the kids up after they fell off the sheep (they ALL fall off) and get them out of the way after their turn was over.

At first I thought that sheep-riding was just a bizarre idea but then I almost peed my pants laughing when I saw these kids hanging on for dear life onto the sheep. I kid you not...it was a riot to watch. First of all, they put hockey helmets on these little kids. Second, the kids are actually lying down on the back of the sheep and sort of holding on to their legs. One little girl actually slipped all the way around and under the sheep and was hanging onto the sheep's neck before she bit it. The incredible thing was that none of the kids seem to cry even when the sheep stomped on them after they fell off. They must be tough kids. That or maybe they give them a valium before strapping them on the sheep.

I was laughing too hard to take photos so Jonathan took a bunch of pictures of the sheep and Whitney but, sadly, only one photo (the one shown above) came out. Ah, the fun we have in Texas.

Cool Longhorn We Saw At the Rodeo

2007-03-20T13:11:00.000-06:00

Liz's Trip to Houston Day 1

2007-03-19T13:33:00.000-06:00

Well I am in Houston visiting my fabulous friend Sandra. I drove down yesterday and we drank lots of champagne before going to dinner at one of my favorite Houston restaurants called Ibiza. Sandra's fabulous friend Elizabeth joined us for dinner and I found out that her mother and my great grandmother had the same maiden name and were from the same county in Ireland. Perhaps I have found a long lost relative? Like I need any more relatives. Good grief, I am related to at least half of the state of California as it is.

Today we went shopping where I bought my fabulous friend Stephanie a small gift that she will LOVE. Later today Sandra and I are going over to Elizabeth's house for dinner and more wine. Fun.

I am headed back to Austin tomorrow so stay tuned for my write up on the Star of Texas Rodeo Austin. A preview: My fabulous friend Whitney was a volunteer at the rodeo this year and the event she was assigned to was called "Mutton Bustin'". If you haven't heard of this event you won't want to miss the scandalous photos that I will post later in the week...

Oh Yeah, I Like This Idea

2007-03-17T09:11:00.000-06:00

Apparently the show The Simple Life just signed Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton to a 5th season. The theme of the 5th season will be Paris and Nicole working at a "fat camp" and teaching people about fitness and a healthy lifestyle. Are you shitting me?

Wow. There are so many things wrong with this scenario that I just don't know where to start. I always thought that a healthy lifestyle included a good diet, exercise, moderate (if any) alcohol intake, no narcotics, and balanced relationships with friends and family. So either I misunderstood the whole definition of the word "healthy" or the network idiots are going to let two of the least healthy people on the planet attempt to teach people how to live healthy. Does that make any sense to you?

Lets review what these two retards are known for:

Paris

Use of illegal drugs
Sex with many random partners - she is rumored to have herpes
Sex tapes of her and a partner sold on the internet
Drinking alcohol (possibly to excess)
Volatile relationships with "friends"
Racism and general meanness
Possibly anorexic
Stays out all night nearly every night
Does not have a job
Didn't finish high school
Didn't pay her bills and, as a consequence, her personal belonging sold on internet
DUI
Doesn't wear underwear

Nicole

Admitted to eating disorders (anorexia,bulimia)
Smokes
In and out of rehab for (among other things) heroin. Currently clean.
Alcoholism
Does not exercise
Multiple DUIs
Dropped out of college after 1 semester
Volatile relationships

Wow. With credentials like theirs maybe Paris and Nicole should be teaching something other than "healthy lifestyles". Hmm....I wonder what these two geniuses are qualified to teach?

Well, based upon their "resumes" here are a few ideas for classes they could teach at a local community college or juvenile detention facility:

How to ensure the paparazzi gets a photo of your naked crotch.

How to get into nightclubs when you are underage.

How to procure large quantities of heroin or coke for you and your friends without getting busted.

Getting off of a DUI 101.

How to produce, distribute, and profit from your own home sex tapes.

Making a scene in public 101.

I am sure these two girls are qualified to teach some other stuff but we need these two influencing kids like we need to see the return of fire breathing dragons.

Thought For The Day: Mediocrity

2007-03-17T09:10:00.000-06:00

Cool Horses That Do Tricks

2007-03-15T11:41:00.000-06:00

My fabulous friend Stephanie who is in California for work this week and is, therefore, unable to blog, has suggested a few topics for me to blog about this week. I won't spoil the surprise and tell you all of the topics for the week but today I am going to tell you how excited I am that Jonathan and I are going to see the Royal Lipizzaner Stallions next weekend. If you have never seen these horses it is worth the effort if they come to your town. Sadly there will probably be children at this event but I am so excited to see these gorgeous animals that I can probably tune out the brats.

In short, these are gorgeous white horses who have been trained to do tricks (jumping in different ways mainly) and who do choreographed "dances" while their riders are astride them. The Lipizzaners are from Austria but are descended from Spanish Andalusian horses. There are very few of these horses in existence and they are just magnificent.

Background:

Andalusians, the cherished horses of Spain are one of the ancient breeds of the world. Its ancestry traces to the cave dwellers of the Mosolithic Age, living about 8,000 years ago in the mountains of the Iberian Peninsula.

The Andalusian horses are so adept at agility training that nearly all of the oldest and most famous riding schools started with Spanish horses. The best example of this is the Spanish Riding School in Austria, thus named for the Spanish horses that it used. The Lipizzan breed is an ancestor to the Andalusian, being almost totally of Spanish blood. As recently as 1968, a four-year-old stallion of the Carthusian line of the Andalusian was imported to rejuvenate the present line of Lipizzans in Austria.

As a show and parade horse, the Andalusian's trademark movements, combined with his noble appearance with a long, lush mane and tail, make him a winner. His shiny gray
or white coat glistens as he moves with all of the pride and style bequeathed to him by his ancestors who carried Caesars and kings in their day of triumph and splendor.

His strength and boldness make him a very good hunter and jumper. His agility and endurance make him ideal for trial riding cross-country. Generally, the Andalusian is a horse for all seasons and for all sports, even though he is a relative newcomer to the United States. Not until 1965 were the first Andalusians registered in this country. Today, their numbers are only about 700, making them precious as gold to their owners.

The History of the Lipizzaner Stallions

It is believed that the forerunner of the Lipizzan was bred in Carthage, more than 2,000 years ago. The Carthaginian stock was bred to the Vilano, a sturdy Pyrenees horse, and with Arab and Barbary strains. The result became the fabled Andalusian of ancient Spain.

During Spain's 700 years of Moorish domination, the breed remained essentially the same. Occasional crossing with fresh Arab and Oriental blood by the breeders of Cordoba and Granada assured that the fleetness and agility so prized by the Arabs remained qualities inherent in the stock. The Spanish began to export the horses after Spain rid itself of Moorish rule. The most notable stud farms were established in Italy and Frederiksborg, Denmark. The Danes produced excellent stock from the Spanish progenitors; the Italian "Neapolitan" bloodline became famous in Europe.

Archduke Maximilian, later Emperor of Austria, began breeding Spanish horses there about 1562. Eighteen years later, Archduke Karl, ruler of four Austrian provinces, established a royal stud farm in Lipizza, located in the hills of Karst, near Trieste.

Fresh Spanish stock was systematically added to the blood line at intervals to maintain the strength of the breed. Oriental stallions were used occasionally for the same purpose. In the 17th and 18th centuries, horses from the northern Italian stud farm at Polesnia and the highly regarded Neapolitan strain were brought to Lipizza to mingle with the resident stock and the descendants of the original Spanish line out of Denmark and Germany.

From 1809 to 1815 they lived in the lowlands of the TISZA River, which flows into the Danube. The land was hard on them. It took several years and an infusion of fresh blood to recapture the vitality and high standard of the line. In May of 1915, the Lipizzans were split up. One group was taken to Laxenburg, near Vienna, and the other to Kladrub.

The fall of the Austrian House of HABSBURG in 1918 brought about the break up of the old Austrian Empire. Lipizza became a part of Italy. The Italian and Austrian governments divided the Lipizzaner herd equally. The Republic of Austria took their horses to Piber in Steiermark. Piber, a privately owned stud farm, was founded in 1798 to breed calvary mounts for the army. In 1858, it became a government breeding farm and produced Lipizzans of another and lighter strain for stud purposes in the provinces.

n April 1945, the heroic efforts of the 42nd Squadron of the United States Army's 2nd Cavalry were responsible for the rescue and ultimate preservation of the Lipizzans. The rescue of the horses was conducted under the orders of General George S. Patton and was carried out under the direct command of Colonel Charles H. Reed.

The story of the rescue operation is most dramatic. In early 1945, Vienna was under attack by allied bombers. Colonel Alois Podjahsky, head of the famed Spanish Riding School in Vienna, feared the valuable Lipizzaner Stallions would be destroyed and arranged for the stallions to be transferred by train to St. Martin's in Upper Austria, 200 miles from Vienna. Fodder was scarce and starving refugees attempted to steal the horses for food.

Coincidentally, elements of the U.S. Third Army moved into St. Martin's at the time Podhajsky had quartered the horses there at the estate of a friend. An officer recognized Podhajsky and the stallions, and sent word to General Patton's headquarters. Patton and Podhajsky had been old friends; they competed together in equestrian events at the Olympic Games.

Podhajsky arranged to show the Lipizzans to Undersecretary of War Robert Patterson, and General Patton the following day. Patterson and Patton were so impressed by the performance of these aristocratic white horses that the General, at the request of Podhajsky, promised to make the stallions wards of the U.S. Army until they could be safely returned to their home at the Spanish Riding School in Vienna.

While the stallions were sheltered at St. Martin's, the mares and foals had been separated from the stallions and were being held at the German Remount Depot in Hostau, Czechoslovakia. American forces became aware of their location through Colonel Reed.

On April 26, 42nd Squadron captured a German general and his staff near Hostau. Reed and the General dined together and developed a friendship. The General showed Reed photographs of the Lipizzaner horses. When questioned further, the General confessed that the horses were being held at the German Remount Depot along with allied prisoners of war who cared for the horses.

Later that day Reed contacted Patton to ask permission to attack Hostau to liberate the prisoners and horses. Permission was granted. Later, an agreement was made with the Germans to allow American forces to go into Hostau and rescue the horses from the oncoming Russian troops. German officers, great admirers of the Lipizzans, willingly cooperated with the Americans fearing that approaching Russian troops would destroy the breed.

On April 28, members of Troops A, C and F of the 42nd Squadron attacked the German lines and accepted the surrender of the Germans at Hostau. The surrender, according to Reed, was "more a fiesta than a military operation, as the German troops drew up an honor guard and saluted the American troops as they came in."

The Americans found at Hostau a population of some 150 Lipizzans, including a few stallions, mares and their colts of two and three years of age. The first day was spent inspecting the horses. Two days later, German SS troops organized a counter attack on the 42nd Squadron as it moved eastward along the Czechoslovakian border. The Germans were driven off and a week later, the war had ended. Plans were then made for the disposition of the horses.

Colonel Podhajsky was flown in to inspect his horses. It was at this time that the Russian and Czech governments argued over possession of the horses. To prevent the horses from falling into their hands, the Lipizzans were quickly moved across the border to safety in Germany. Shortly thereafter, the Lipizzans were returned to the control of Colonel Podhajsky at Linz.

General Patton was not the first to rescue the Lipizzans from the exigencies of war. In 1781, during the Napoleonic Wars, 300 horses were evacuated in a forty-day march to Stuhlweissenburg. They returned to Lipizza after peace was established. In 1805 they were moved again to Slavonia, and in 1806 to Karad, a Hungarian village with a population of less than 4,000. They returned to Lipizza, only to flee the advancing armies of France.

Tonya Harding - Then And Now

2007-03-14T17:07:00.000-06:00

Look how far our girl Tonya has come. She's a long way from the skating rink now. Let that be a lesson to all you kids...don't cheat in figure skating or the only job you will be able to get is as a fourth rate female wrestler. I wonder if she gets dental coverage with this job?

Tabloid Fantasy League - My Dream Come True

2007-03-13T13:08:00.000-06:00

My fabulous friend Hope brought a new game/website to my attention so I thought I would blog about it. It's like fantasy football but instead of an actual sport you bet on how many times certain celebrities will show up on the cover of the tabloids.

Tabloid Fantasy League Scoring

Our celebrity fantasy league games follow a photo-based scoring system using TABFL's "Big Four": People, Us Weekly, Star and In Touch. Celebrities with the most photos will score the most points and help you win prizes. Each week we tabulate the pictures and record them in Tabloid Fantasy League's Celebrity Box Scores. Score with your favorite celebrities every week at TABFL. If your celebs are in, you win! Register and Draft Your Celebrity Fantasy Team Today!

2 Ways to Score & 2 Ways to Win! Predict who will grace the covers in FaceFecta, or assemble your fantasy cast of celebrities in TabFecta. Plus, now you can keep it among friends with your own Private TabFecta league!

FaceFecta Game 1: Predict Next Weeks Covers

Play Weekly. Predict who will grace the covers of next week's People, Us Weekly, In Touch, and Star magazines. If you correctly match all four, you score a FaceFecta and can win prizes from one of our sponsors, Uncommongoods! The results are posted Fridays at Noon PST.

TabFecta Game 2: Draft & Manage A Celeb Team

Play Monthly. Pick your fantasy cast of celebrities and assemble the stars on your fantasy Red Carpet. When your celebrities' photos appear in the "Big Four" magazines you score points and win prizes. The month-long seasons are scored weekly shortly after the magazines hit the newsstands. Weekly winners get a TABFL tee, and the overall point leader for the month walks away with the ultimate prize. Sponsors for TabFecta include Uncommongoods, Zazzle, and Spanx. The results are posted Sundays at Noon PST.

Private TabFecta Leagues Create Your Own Private League!

Keep it among friends and create your own Private TabFecta League. Private League Players can still play with everyone else, too, and are eligible for all weekly and monthly prizes.

Check out the Tabloid Fantasy League Website

Snoop Dogg Arrested in Sweden For Drugs

2007-03-12T08:42:00.000-06:00

OK, Snoop getting arrested isn't really news because he seems to get busted for either drugs or weapons once a week. But what amazes me is that he can't seem to learn that carrying drugs and weapons around in a car or near an airport may get you arrested. I wonder if he has a learning disability? Maybe there is a provision in the Americans With Disabilities Act for learning disabled people who carry around pot and switchblades? If not there should be. Poor Snoop...he just gets picked on all around the world. It's just not fair.

Liz's Hair Disaster

2007-03-10T17:06:00.000-06:00

If you are interested in reading about my "hair disaster" you can do by reading my March 9th posts so on my Ultimate Resumes blog

NASA Joke

2007-03-10T16:45:00.001-06:00

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration (N.A.S.A.) decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.

After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

Amusing Thought For The Day: Hazards

2007-03-10T16:42:00.000-06:00

Wishes

2007-03-09T20:46:00.000-06:00

Stephanie and I were both really busy with work today so we didn't have time to come up with any thoughts of our own. So try this on for size.

New Reality Show Idea: Bring Back Gladiator Pits

2007-03-08T10:47:00.000-06:00

I have an idea for a reality show whose time has come: Celebrity Gladiator Pit. Yeah, that is right, the reality show will work like this: Celebrities will all live in a house (or castle) and will compete in small games/tests during the week. At the end of the week, the celebrity with the lowest score will be tossed in "The Pit".

I don't think it really matters if you give the celebrities armor and weapons or not. I don't think that many of them would be able to survive alone even if you gave them armor, a spear, and a black American Express card. No guns allowed though because I don't want these jokers to have an unfair advantage. Each week the chosen celebrity will face a large carnivorous animal in The Pit.

The show should last an hour and the first 15-20 minutes should focus on life in the house, celebrity interaction, and whatever minor competitions they participated in during the week. Then the remaining 40 - 45 minutes should focus on The Pit. And it should be live! Wouldn't it be great to see Paris get eaten by a Grizzly Bear? Or to watch Lindsey meet her maker at the hands of a lion?

The best part is that we never have to see the celebrities again after the competition because they will be animal poo. Of course it's possible (but unlikely) that one of the celebrities will get out of the pit before being eaten. But I would say it's pretty improbable since most of them don't even know how to get a drink of water by themselves. Without their posses and assistants these people won't have a chance at survival.

Now don't worry that we might lose a good celebrity like Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, or Matthew Mcconnahey...they are A-listers who would never sign up for a dangerous show like this. You know who will sign up and all of the morons who would sign up for this reality show deserve what they get. Here is the roster of "celebrities" whom I think would sign up for the first (and probably only) season:

Flav A Flav
Andrew Dice Clay
Melissa Rivers
Danny Bonaduce
Paris Hilton
Brigitte Nielson
Tracy Bingham
Britney Spears and/or K-Fed (I hope!)
Tom Sizemore
Heidi Fleiss
Bobby Brown (he needs the cash and it's better than jail)
Star Jones
Aaron Carter
Gary Coleman
Vanilla Ice
Tracy Lords
Jessica Simpson (if her publicist tells her that the lion in the pit is really a cute little kitty)

Now wouldn't you watch that show? That is some good TV! Lets petition Fox or VH1 to get this show on the air this fall. The world will be a better place after all of these people get eaten by bears, mountain lions or tigers.

If we get to air a season 2 the second season can feature "The Tank" instead of "The Pit". The Tank would hold great white sharks and the celebrities who had to go in The Tank would be told that they were filming a scene for a new James Bond movie. But of course, once they entered The Tank they would never return. Unless they can swim really fast of course...

Advice for Improving Britney's Image

2007-03-08T08:57:00.000-06:00

I think we can all agree that Britney has really gone off the deep end with her recent shenanigans (shaving head, wearing used bikinis, punching cars, etc.). I just heard today that she's angry with her family for staging an intervention and forcing her to go into rehab and that she's ready to leave. God only knows I'd be really angry at my family too if they were trying to save me from losing all my money and suffering an Anna Nicole fate.

As a certified and qualied life coach, publicist and fortune teller I feel it necessary to give my advice to Britney on how she can improve her image (although she really couldn't get much lower):

1. KICK PUPPIES

2. STEAL FROM THE HOMELESS

3. TAKE SENSITIVITY LESSONS FROM ANN COULTER

4. SUGGEST THAT WE REINSTATE THE DRAFT

5. SEND HER CHILDREN TO VIETNAM AND LET ANGELINA & BRAD ADOPT THEM

6. MARRY OSAMA BIN LADEN

7. KEEP AMERICAN IDOL FROM AIRING

8. HAVE A GIRLS' NIGHT OUT WITH LISA NOWAK (ASTRONUT)

9. BLAME ALIENS FOR HER RECENT BEHAVIOR

10. BECOME A PUFATUFNIK

Any one these actions could greatly improve her image, God only knows it couldn't possibly hurt to try.

Anyone Can Be A Movie Star

2007-03-07T09:52:00.000-06:00

Wow. If this is what passes for a movie star on vacation these days I think it's clear that anyone and their pet monkey can become the star of a blockbuster Hollywood movie.

So, besides Kristen's appearance, what is wrong with this picture? I will tell you. There is no way that Kristen Dunst even knows who Carl Sagan is nor does she have the IQ to understand his book. Probably her publicist said, "Hold this book when you are on the beach." Thank goodness her publicist didn't give her a giant cheese-head hat to wear at the beach like the ones they wear at University of Wisconsin football games.

That would be a great prank for a publicist to play on one of the stupid acrtresses she represents. I have all kinds of inappropriate visions of stars wearing stupid hats, shirts, and other "accessories" just because someone told them it would look cool or would make them look smart. Can you imagine what Jessica Simpson's publicist could get her to wear?

Even if Kristen could understand the Carl Sagan book she wouldn't read it on the beach. Even real live smart people read Dan Brown or Danielle Steel on the beach. No one reads complicated theories of the universe on the beach. Not even scientists or Scientologists. So you know she is faking being smart because she knows the paparazzi will take her pictures.

If she knows the paparazzi are taking her picture it makes you wonder why she doesn't slap on a little makeup or at least take the cigarette out of her mouth. She looks like she might be related to Anna Nicole's family. Or that she just got off her shift as a clam shucker at Billy Bob's Clam Shack and Car Wash.

Please Don't Demote Me

2007-03-07T07:54:00.000-06:00

I have been absent from this blog for quite some time, and I wasn't even abducted by aliens; although, I wish they had taken me away to go see the Oscars. Oh well, maybe next year.

For the past week or so, the Pufatufnik executive board (all 1 member) have been threatening to demote me to Puf-status. A Puf is not even a low level crack whore, a Puf is cigarette whore, not very glamorous. I promised to write yesterday, but I didn't. Shame on me. Well, I got up pretty early this morning to write this post so that hopefully the powers that be didn't feel the need to demote me since it's still early in the morning and for some creatures still asleep (hopefully Nigel), it still counts as yesterday.

With all that being said, I'd like to tell you about a wonderful movie that I saw last weekend - Zodiac - it's great.

AstroNut Hacks Into Email Accounts

2007-03-06T22:30:00.000-06:00

Lately it seems to me that not enough attention has been focused on the AstroNut™ situation because of a of the bias that mainstream media has toward writing about global warming, Anna Nicole Smith, and cold weather in Chicago. For crying out loud people, try to focus! How is a crazy, nymphomaniac, stalker astronaut not the biggest news on the planet?? You can't make that s--t up.

Brief recap of the astronaut love triangle for those of you who have focused on other news lately (you know who you are). A male astronaut named Bill Oefelein (based in Houston) and female astronaut named Colleen Shipman (based in Florida) were dating. They weren't supposed to be dating of course because the Navy has some kind of rules about sex in space. Or something like that. Anyway, a third astronaut, a female named Lisa Novak (based in Houston) who, by the way, is married, develops a stalker-crush on Bill Oefelein. Lisa (Lisa will be referred to as AstroNut™ from this point forward) finds out that Bill likes Colleen and then drives all the way to Florida to confront Colleen about Bill.

I've seen it a million times (although mostly on Beverly Hills 90210 reruns). Girl loves boy. Boy loves other girl. Girl stalks rival girl and gets arrested after spraying mace in the rival girl's face. It's a story as old as time.

Now you are caught up to date.

So here is the new news: Prior to driving all the way from Houston to Florida to confront Colleen, the AstroNut™ somehow hacks into either Bill or Colleen's email account and reads private email messages they have sent to each other. Wait a minute. Are these NASA email accounts or like Yahoo or something? I thought that passwords were secret? How did she get into one of their accounts? I know she is an engineer/astronaut but I thought that email was supposed to be safe from hackers. I had better go back and read the fine print at Yahoo...

Apparently Colleen wrote to Bill the following romantic note regarding his return from a space mission, "First urge will be to rip your clothes off," Shipman wrote to Oefelein. "But honestly, love, I want you to totally and thoroughly enjoy your hero's homecoming." OMG is this what passes for sexy talk in nerd-world? Doesn't anyone read Harlequin romances or watch porn anymore? There is no way that a romance novel or a pornographic movie would have lines that boring! Even paid professionals wouldn't get laid with that kind of dialogue.

The most ridiculous part of the story I think is that when Bill was questioned by the FBI about his relationship with the AstroNut™ he told agents that when he informed the AstroNut™ that he was dating someone else, "She seemed a little disappointed, but she seemed to be accepting of that" Hey Bill, maybe you don't understand women as well as you think you do. Or maybe your "crazy-meter" is a little off these days.

She seemed a little disappointed?!? If being "a little disappointed" caused her to don a wig, wear adult diapers, drive 900 miles to an airport terminal to confront Colleen, and then pepper spray her through a cracked window I can't even imagine how she would have reacted if she was described as being "a tad peeved". Or "a little pissed off". Or "f--king mad as hell". Can you imagine what else the AstroNut™ would have packed in her car besides a BB-gun, a new steel mallet, a knife and rubber tubing if she had been more than just disappointed? If she had been really furious she might have packed an F16, a chainsaw, and a wood chipper. It's a sliding scale of crazy I guess.

Ah these crazy lovesick kids. I can't wait to see how this story unfolds. I heard that the Florida authorities dropped the attempted murder charges against the AstroNut™ which is good news for her but probably not a huge boost for her career at NASA. Can you imagine how the AstroNut's kids feel right now? I actually feel very sorry for them. She probably won't win the Mom of The Year Award this year. Maybe she can be a contender when she's off parole.

What is Wrong With Ann Coulter?

2007-03-05T13:37:00.000-06:00

Ann Coulter's most recent obnoxious and bigoted remarks shouldn't really be a surprise given her history of obnoxious and bigoted statements. However, this time she really looks like an ass because the object of her ire, John Edwards, is going to be able to raise money from indignant liberals, gays, and humanoids who are offended by her vituperative comments. What a moron.

In fact, Ms. Coulter wins the Moron of The Week Award which, as many of you know, I don't usually like to hand out on Monday. Normally I would prefer to wait until at least Friday so I can hear what Paris, Lindsey, and Britney have been doing all week and distribute the award appropriately. But it's difficult to imagine that anyone (now that Anna Nicole is gone, God rest her soul) could do anything more offensive that Ann did when she called John Edwards a faggot on TV. Maybe she lacks both common sense and a publicist.

Also, who does her hair? I mean being a homophobe is tough if you want to get a decent cut and color job. Maybe that is why she keeps her hair all one length - so she can just trim the ends herself. With a mouth like hers she would wind up with the "Britney" haircut if she ever went into a salon.

One thing is for sure, she has a huge adams apple and from some of the photos I've seen of her I think there is a good chance she's a tranny. Crying Game anyone?

This Picture Makes Me Happy

2007-03-03T11:04:00.000-06:00

A Sign For Nigel

2007-03-03T10:31:00.000-06:00

The Pieces Of The Puzzle Are Falling Into Place

2007-03-03T10:25:00.000-06:00

Well Anna Nicole was finally buried this week in the Bahamas and I think that it is clear to all that her messed up life had more than a little bit to do with the people she surrounded herself with. Her mother, Virgie Arthur, her baby daddy, Larry Birkhead, and Svengali/attorney/friend/wanna-be-baby daddy, Howard K. Stern are quite the cast of misfits, opportunists, and losers. I have never seen anything like this crowd and I am an avid follower of celebrity train wrecks. Generally, people who have a lot of problems don't attract normal and well adjusted friends.

I think that Virgie Arthur may, in fact, be the anti-Christ. The media kind of portrays her as a weeping mother but I don't see it. She is doing everything she can to ignore Anna's final wishes so that she can profit from Anna's death. I read in Cindy Adams column on Page Six that Virgie's legal bills are being paid by a large UK based media syndicate. It makes sense. They stand to gain a lot in terms of additional media coverage of the Anna situation if Virgie keeps filing motions. The stupid woman even tried to stop the funeral while the hearse was on its way to the church!! I thought I had heard of everything until she did that.

And why is it so important to Virgie that Anna's body reside in Texas? Could it be that she wants to charge admission to see her grave? Apparently Daniel's father, who hadn't seen him since 1988 (19 years before he died) has filed a motion in Bahamian court to exhume Daniel's body and move it to Texas. How is he paying for his legal bills? Do you think that maybe Virgie's British benefactors are helping?

One of Anna's cousins is publishing a book called, "Train Wreck" which will include excerpts of Anna's private diaries. What the f--k? What kind of people sell out their relatives like this? Oh yeah, I forgot...trailer trash people who have neither the work ethic or the talent to earn a living on their own.

I have also heard unsubstantiated rumors that Howard K. Stern is the sole beneficiary of no less than 7 life insurance policies that Anna took out and paid for herself. This rumor seems a little "off" and not just because those goofballs were apparently broke and didn't pay a lot of their bills. I just can't believe there are 7 life insurance companies that would gamble on life insurance policies for a woman who seemed so publicly hell bent on self destruction.

Howard is apparently being paid a licensing fee from Entertainment Tonight to let them serve as the exclusive source of interviews with him about the Anna situation. The amazing thing about that story is that apparently ET and Howard negotiated that agreement after her son Daniel died last year. I guess Anna's death is a ratings bonus for them.

I wonder if the public is starting to tire of this circus? I never really felt sorry for Anna when she was alive. I thought she was a conniving, drug addicted, gold digging loser who was too lazy and stupid to do anything but strip. But now that she is gone and we have had the opportunity to find out more about her friends and family I pity her. With Virgie as a mother Anna never had a chance at anything but dancing on a pole. Finally the manner in which she lived and died makes sense. The pieces of the puzzle are falling into place.

An Inconvenient Hypocrisy

2007-02-28T12:33:00.000-06:00

The Tennessee Center for Policy Research says that Al Gore, who won an Academy Award last weekend for his film about global warming and the importance of energy conservation, uses 20 times the national average to power his Nashville mansion. What's more, his use has increased since the release of "An Inconvenient Truth"

The Center says:

Gore’s mansion consumes more electricity every month than the average American household uses in an entire year, according to the Nashville Electric Service (NES). The average household in America consumes 10,656 kilowatt-hours (kWh) per year, according to the Department of Energy. In 2006, Gore devoured nearly 221,000 kWh—more than 20 times the national average.

Last August alone, Gore burned through 22,619 kWh—guzzling more than twice the electricity in one month than an average American family uses in an entire year. As a result of his energy consumption, Gore’s average monthly electric bill topped $1,359.

Since the release of An Inconvenient Truth, Gore’s energy consumption has increased from an average of 16,200 kWh per month in 2005, to 18,400 kWh per month in 2006. Gore’s extravagant energy use does not stop at his electric bill. Natural gas bills for Gore’s mansion and guest house averaged $1,080 per month last year … In total, Gore paid nearly $30,000 in combined electricity and natural gas bills for his Nashville estate in 2006.

I don't have any particular problem with Al Gore. He seems like a well meaning guy who is concerned about the earth and about potentially lewd rock music lyrics. But when you hold yourself up as an expert/zealot about an issue you have to expect to receive some extra public scrutiny. As Rush Limbaugh discovered when he got busted with a bunch of illegal prescription meds.

If the earth is really in so much danger from fossil fuel emissions then why isn't Gore walking the talk? Why are we supposed to ride bicycles instead of cars when he burns gas by the truckload when he flies around in his private jet? Is he a hypocrite? Or maybe global warming is being exaggerated to sell movie tickets, hybrid cars, and to scare us all into living in caves? I don't know the answers to these questions, of course, but I think that Gore looks like a big goober.

And another thing: I'll bet that Gore's Prius-driving, supermodel-dating, takes-himself-too- seriously buddy, Leonardo DiCaprio, doesn't have solar panels on his Hollywood mansion. He probably doesn't even turn out the lights when he leaves the kitchen. Oh, wait, he probably doesn't even know where the kitchen is; he would have to ask his assistant to point the way. Gore, DiCaprio, and all of their rich, liberal, "environmental" Hollywood friends don't live in the real world but they like to pretend that they do when the cameras are rolling.

Amusing Thought For The Day: Achievement

2007-02-27T15:21:00.000-06:00

Barbara Walters Oscar Special

2007-02-25T18:03:00.000-06:00

I love the annual Barbara Walters Oscar special and never miss it.

Tonight's first guest is Ellen Degeneres, one of my favorite comedians and the host of the Oscars this year. The one thing I don't really like about the Barbara Walters specials is that she always brings up some difficult period in the interviewee's life that is a tearjerker. She just asked Ellen about being molested as a child. While I feel badly for Ellen's past traumas I am uncomfortable hearing about them. I am always uncomfortable hearing extremely private information about people I don't know well and this occasion is no different. I wish they could have simply focused on Ellen's humor.

The second guest is Jennifer Hudson, the favorite to win the Best Supporting Actress Oscar. I may be the only person who will come right out and say that I think Jennifer Hudson is completely overrated and totally uninteresting as an actress. Give me a break. Abigale Breslin should win Best Supporting Actress for her role in Little Miss Sunshine. But I am sure that the bland Ms. Hudson will win the Oscar this year. She seems like a nice girl but I just find her to be dull. Also, in my opinion, she isn't an actress as much as she is a singer. Maybe she should win a Grammy and not an Oscar. I wish I got to make decisions like that. Maybe when I am Supreme Dictator of the World.

Barbara's third guest is the great Helen Mirren, favorite to win the Best Actress Oscar tonight. I like Helen Mirren. She is beautiful, candid, and charming. She also looks age-appropriate unlike a lot of American stars who have all had so much plastic surgery that their eyebrows meet in the back of their heads. Helen Mirren is so cute when she is talking about her husband. She is adorable and so classy. I am glad she is going to win tonight. Talent, class, and grace. Maybe Paris, Britney, and Lindsey are watching this show and learning from her. Nah, I doubt it.

Cut back to Live From the Red Carpet on E!...

Seacrest is interviwing Gwynyth Paltrow. She bugs me. She takes herself so seriously for such a marginal actress. I guess having rich successful parents along with an Oscar does that to you.

Now Seacrest is interviewing Beyonce who also bugs me. Enough said.

Wow, Cate Blanchett looks amazing as always. She looks like a goddess. I hope she wins tonight but I don't think she is going to. If I were Supreme Dictator of the World Cate would win an Oscar every year because I think she might be the greatest actress of our generation.

Back to Barbara Walters....

Eddie Murphy is the next guest on the Barbara special. I remember seeing his movie "Raw" back in 1985 at the Hyde Park Theater in Chicago. It was pretty intimidating to see that movie in a predominantly African American movie theater back then. Great flick though. He is a talented guy. I loved him in Shrek. I didn't care for his acceptance speech at the Golden Globes though. If he wins tonight I hope he gives a funny speech. That is really what we want from comedians: comedy. Oh lord...Barbara is asking Eddie about his childhood and his divorced parents. I think she is trying to make him cry but Eddie isn't falling for it. Thank goodness.

Live From the Red Carpet

2007-02-25T17:00:00.000-06:00

It's 5pm CST and of course I am watching E! TV's Live From the Red Carpet. I am going to blog about anything that seems interesting, dramatic, noteworthy, or ridiculous. So this could be a pretty long post.

Question #1: Did Ellen dis Seacrest?
I had to rewind the Tivo to watch what happened a second time. Ryan Seacrest just cut to Ellen getting ready to host the Oscars and it was hard to tell if her eye-roll and "Back to you, Ryan" as she turned around and walked away from the camera was sarcastic or if she was being funny. I'll bet she was dissing him. He is a jackass.

Even the E! people are making fun of Ryan Seacrest. They just caught him holding his bottle of water when he thought no one was looking and they are commenting on that. That is how riveting this coverage is so far. Maybe he has vodka in the bottle instead of water...that would explain a whole lot about his behavior. Good grief, I hope the red carpet gets more interesting than it has been so far.

Question #2: Seriously, what is wrong with Ryan Seacrest?
Seacrest just interviewed Gael Garcia Bernal, a star of the movie Babel which is nominated for Best Picture. All that Seacrest could think of to ask the guy was what he thought of Brad Pitt. The worst part was that Ryan wouldn't quit asking the same question over and over when Gael said that he doesn't know Brad Pitt. Poor Gael had to tell Ryan about 4 times that he never met Brad during the filming of the movie because they shot on different continents. Ryan is an idiot. Why not ask Gael about his amazing performance in Babel or his future movies because on continents other than this one he is a huge movie star in his own right. Ryan even tried to get the poor guy to just stand next to him until Brad Pitt shows up so that he, Ryan, could introduce the two actors. What a moron.

Question #3: Why Does Ryan Seacrest Think That if He Speaks Slowly and Loudly A Non-English Speaker will understand him?
He just interviewed Rinko Kikuchi, a star of Babel, who was speaking through an interpreter. All I can say is, "Embarrassing, ugly American." Ryan you should go home.

Penelope Cruz is beautiful. Wow. Her pink Versace dress is one of the most beautiful I have ever seen. Seacrest is actually doing a decent job of interviewing her; maybe the Prozac kicked in.

Question #4: Why Does Cameron Diaz's Hair Always Look Like She Styled It With A Weed whacker?
Nice dress. Bad bad hair. Nothing more to say.

Jada Pinkett Smith is hot. This woman always looks amazing and tonight is no different. Gorgeous yellow dress that no woman with pale skin could pull off. She has a really buff body too.

Seacrest interviewing John Travolta and Kelly Preston. Apparently they voted for Forest Whitaker to win for Best Actor...if the Scientologists support a nominee he will probably win.

OK, its time to switch over to the Barbara Walters Special on ABC.

I hope that someone grabs Seacrest by his spiky hair and slams his head down onto his/her knee. That would be great.

The Academy Awards Are Today!!

2007-02-25T14:06:00.000-06:00

I am so excited because the Academy Awards are tonight. For me, the Oscars are like the Superbowl, the Kentucky Derby, and election night all rolled into one evening. I will start watching red carpet coverage in a couple of hours. One weird thing is that E! TV starts its red carpet coverage at 11 am CST. That means 9 am PST. There is NO ONE on the red carpet at that time. I love the Oscars but interviews with the guys who are rolling out the carpet and the ladies who are bringing in the flowers just doesn't do it for me.

I will start watching the red carpet in a few hours when the D-list celebrities show up and I won't walk away from the TV until they give the last award. I am concerned that this years Oscars may be really dull because there don't seem to be any big surprises in store except maybe the Best Picture winner. I hope there is some kind of huge drama or someone has a seizure on stage to break up the monotony. Of course we can always count on Ryan Seacrest and his flunkies to make a lot of inane comments to the celebrities so that should be entertaining.

Liz's 2007 Oscar Picks

2007-02-24T10:22:00.000-06:00

Following are my Oscar picks for the top 6 categories. Predicted winners are in bold:

Performance by an actress in a leading role

Penélope Cruz in “Volver”

Judi Dench in “Notes on a Scandal”

Helen Mirren in “The Queen”

Meryl Streep in “The Devil Wears Prada”

Kate Winslet in “Little Children”

Performance by an actress in a supporting role

Adriana Barraza in “Babel”

Cate Blanchett in “Notes on a Scandal”

Abigail Breslin in “Little Miss Sunshine”

Jennifer Hudson in “Dreamgirls”

Rinko Kikuchi in “Babel”

Performance by an actor in a leading role

Leonardo DiCaprio in “Blood Diamond”

Ryan Gosling in “Half Nelson”

Peter O’Toole in “Venus”

Will Smith in “The Pursuit of Happyness”

Forest Whitaker in “The Last King of Scotland”

Performance by an actor in a supporting role

Alan Arkin in “Little Miss Sunshine”

Jackie Earle Haley in “Little Children”

Djimon Hounsou in “Blood Diamond”

Eddie Murphy in “Dreamgirls”

Mark Wahlberg in “The Departed”

Achievement in directing

“Babel” Alejandro González Iñárritu

“The Departed” Martin Scorsese

“Letters from Iwo Jima” Clint Eastwood

“The Queen” Stephen Frears

“United 93” Paul Greengrass

Best motion picture of the year

“Babel”

“The Departed”

“Letters from Iwo Jima”

“Little Miss Sunshine”

“The Queen”

Oklahoma Trip, Day 2

2007-02-22T22:18:00.000-06:00

In 1911 Clyde V. Cessna built his first aircraft, a Bleriot-type monoplane

Oklahoma Fact of The Day:

A car dealer from Enid, OK who grew up on a farm and had no formal flight training saw an airplane in Oklahoma City in 1910 and recognized it as the transportation of the future. He returned home where he built an airplane of his own. The car dealer's name was Clyde V. Cessna whose name eventually became synonymous with monoplanes and who later started the Cessna Aircraft Co.

Well its been another gorgeous day here in the Sooner State. And a busy one too. I went over to OKC (40 minutes away) with my dad and my brother for lunch and to buy my dad a new TV. Family projects are always an interesting combination of pontification, fact checking, and semi-organized chaos. This project was no different.

After purchasing the 42" flat screen, we put it in my brother's Jeep and transported it to my dad's place. Installation was hectic but the end result is that my dad has a new TV in his office and we moved the TV from his office to his home. So now it feels like he got two new toys even though there was only one.

Dinner this evening was a classic small town affair. The local Masonic Lodge was having a chili dinner so we went over for some chili and cornbread. It was a pretty lowkey affair and the food was great. Then we came back to my dad's office where I helped him with various administrative tasks and with the new TV. Also my fabulous husband helped us hook up some additional cables via phone.

After awhile there was a knock on the door and a man came in with a big container of homemade chicken noodle soup for my dad. I guess the people who own the restaurant around the corner know my dad works late a lot and they sent over some of the best soup I have ever had (homemade noodles no less). Only in a small town.

I am headed back to the Great State of Texas (the immodest state to the south) tomorrow morning. It will be good to be home but it sure has been a relaxing trip to the friendliest town ever. For example, yesterday I walked 2 blocks to the bank and while I was there I was greeted like a long lost relative and was hugged by no less than 5 people. They don't have service like that at Chase or Bank of America that's for sure. Oklahoma certainly is OK.

This weekend is the annual Academy Awards so stay tuned for my Oscar picks. I hope that my fabulous friend Stephanie is planning to share her picks too.

Drinking Is Good for You

2007-02-22T19:11:00.000-06:00

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame, Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."~ Jack Handy

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Claven was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."~ Benjamin Franklin

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"~ Brian O'Rourke

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."~ Henny Youngman

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oklahoma's OK

2007-02-21T19:40:00.000-06:00

I swear the state motto is "Oklahoma is OK". Not great. Not the best. Just OK. Oklahoma is a very modest state unlike its neighbor to the south.

I am having a lovely time here. The weather is gorgeous and its always a lot of fun to hang out in my dad's office with "The Coffee Klatch" (as I call them). My dad's office seems to be the central meeting point for some of the folks here in Chandler, Oklahoma. They start coming by his office for coffee and gossip around 8:30 am. I get to hear a running commentary on politics, international affairs, and local gossip. (In case you were wondering, they think that Barak Obama will ultimately be the VP candidate to Hillary's Presidential candidacy in the next election.) But please don't make the mistake of thinking that this group of curmudgeons are a bunch of rednecks or hicks. Some are former senators, bankers, lawyers, and other interesting folks. All are well educated.

One interesting tidbit I picked up from a board member of a local bank is that this particular bank has grown 40% in the past year. I asked why and was told that people here are getting rich (again) from the oil business. You never hear about that these days. The way the media is reporting the energy situation it's easy to assume that just the Arabs and that crazy Chavez are making money off U.S. gas consumption but apparently lots of Oklahomans are making money too. So thank you to all the Humvee and SUV owners.

No great stories today from the Sooner State but if anything happens that is blog-worthy I will post it faster than you can say,"Oklahoma is OK".

(This really is what Manvel Ave/Route 66 in Chandler looks like. The building my dad owns and lives in is right around the corner from where this photo was taken.)

In case you are interested in the history of Chandler, OK...

Chandler, Oklahoma is a beautiful old town located on old Route 66. Chandler was founded in 1891 and has some picturesque old buildings in the downtown area. Well, the ones you see today are the survivors from a tornado that ripped through the town in 1897.

The Chandler area harks back to the days of the wild west. Cromwell, Oklahoma, a nearby town, was the scene of the last gunfight of the Wild West. Celebrated lawman Bill Tilgman lost his life in a gun battle with Wiley Lynn, a federal prohibition agent in 1924 and is buried in the Chandler cemetery. The Lincoln County Museum is a great stop off for some of the local history of the pioneers and Route 66.

Visiting

2007-02-20T09:37:00.000-06:00

Last night Jonathan and I were happy that my fabulous friend Valerie could come stay at our house. Valerie is married to one of my oldest friends (well, he isn't old, but I have known him for more than 30 years), my fabulous friend Todd. Todd and I met in the 3rd grade and have been friends ever since. Well we've mostly been friends.

One time, in the 7th grade Todd wrote a poem (I don't recall why) that made reference to the fact that I had been a bad girl that year and would only receive coal in my stocking from Santa. Naturally I was traumatized by this experience and needed years of therapy and medication to recover. Also, Santa did not bring me any coal at all. I got some very nice gifts and candy that year. So take that Todd.

In case you are wondering, I eventually forgave Todd for the poem incident and we went on to spend a lot of time in our 20's drinking beer in various bars around Lincoln Park in Chicago. A happy ending to what could have been a tragic story of a friendship derailed.

Anyway, Val and Todd live in Dallas and sometimes, when Val is in Austin on business, she spends the night at our house in our comfy guest room. Val is a rep for some beautiful clothing lines and she sells to some boutiques in Austin. Also she looks like a model which probably helps her to sell clothes. I always get to see beautiful clothes on the cutting edge of fashion when she comes to our house. She always brings a few bottles of wine that we help her drink which means we really look forward to her visits.

I am headed up to Oklahoma to spend a few days with my dad and to attend some meetings. Its a 7 hour drive so I should probably head up there soon. I will, of course, blog from Oklahoma because the Anna Nicole Smith situation is getting crazier by the minute and it requires a lot of commentary from me and my fabulous friend Steph.

Backstage Rider - Liz

2007-02-19T17:45:00.000-06:00

I loved my fabulous friend Stephanie's list of the demands she plans to make if she is ever invited to sing at the Grammys. Or in case she becomes a huge rock star and gets to make demands of concert venues around the world. I am really certain that is going to happen so just in case I will add my list of demands because, naturally, I plan to travel with her. Well, only to the good places like Hawaii, Paris, and Spain. Forget about Detroit, Pittsburgh, and Memphis, Texas. By the way if you want to see backstage riders for real movie and rock stars go to The Smoking Gun

So here are Liz's demands for when Steph becomes a major star:

1. I will need a quiet room reserved exclusively for my use and for that of my fabulous husband
2. The quiet room should include two 6.5 foot long couches. The couches should have down-stuffed cushions and should be covered in 600-thread count Egyptian cotton slipcovers. There should be a minimum of 4 down stuffed throw pillows on each couch
3. Wireless broadband Internet access
4. A flat screened HDTV with a minimum size of 42" and full access to all cable channels (including the dirty ones) and an XBOX 360 attached
5. One coffee table with a vase of casa blanca lilies on it
6. One dining table that seats 4 people also with a vase of casa blanca lilies on it
7. Large bowl of fresh raspberries
8. 12 pack of ice cold diet coke
9. Chamomile tea and hot water for tea
10. ice cold Miller Lite beer for my fabulous husband Jonathan
11. 2 bottles of Coppola Claret wine and 4 glasses
12. The quiet room should have an adjoining private bathroom with a jacuzzi tub, 2 Frette bath sheets, and 2 Lush bath bombs (1 Avobath and 1 Sexbomb)
13. 3 Jo Malone Grapefruit candles
14. two cashmere throw blankets
15. Land-line telephone with both local and long-distance access
16. A binder which is filled with take-out menus for every restaurant which will deliver to the venue
17. Rawhide dog bones for my fabulous dogs
18. 1 can of tuna for my fabulous cat Nigel
19. Cat litter box complete with litter and a scooper
20. A dog walker in case my fabulous dog need a walk
21. A bucket of KFC and a family sized order of KFC mac & cheese
22. 1 bottle of Oban single malt scotch for my fabulous husband
23. Fiji bottled water and an ice bucket with fresh ice
24. Tide spot-treating pen in case I spill something in myself and have to use spot remover

25. That's all I can think of right now but of course, I reserve the right to add more stuff to this list. Like Sigfried and Roy and a white tiger to entertain me if I am in the mood.

My Hospitality Rider

2007-02-19T12:28:00.000-06:00

The picture above is of Cameron Diaz without make-up - it has nothing to do with my post, but I thought since I was talking about celebrity wants - I would include a picture of a celebrity desperately wanting/needing some make-up.

I've always read about the bizarre green room/back stage/trailer requests from celebrities, so now that I'm a pufatufnik, I feel the need to make my own list of requests (actually demands) since it's only a matter of time before I'm invited to sing at the Grammys.

Stephanie's Hospitality Rider:

1. A computer with internet access - so that I can stay up to date with all Pufatufnik activities
2. Key Lime Pie - made by my fabulous friend Liz's fabulous husband, Jonathan
3. A masseuse - because all pufatufniks need to be pampered
4. A professional dog walker - for my worst dog of the year doggie
5. A police escort (to and from venue) - because I shouldn't have to wait in traffic
6. Flamin Hot Doritos & Mac N Cheese - for my fabulous friend Liz
7. Miller Lite - for my fabulous husband
8. A copy of the most recent edition of every trash magazine (people, usweekly, in touch, OK, etc.) - so that I can stay up to date on me
9. A bowl of blue peanut butter M&Ms and a bowl of red dark chocolate M&Ms - because they're yummy.
10. 5 Clean Cotton Candles from Yankee Candle - I'm sure the celebrity in the room before me was stinky . . . probably Paris.
11. Sonic tater tots - because they're yummy and compliment the M&Ms
12. Life cereal and skim milk - because it's yummy
13. Grey Goose Vodka - because everyone else seems to ask for it
14. Cristal champagne - because everyone else seems to ask for it
15. White tuna with lots of extra garlic sauce - because its yummy

Okay, well that's the start of my list. I bet my fabulous friend Liz can come up with a really good list for herself.

Prince Harry to Deploy to Iraq?!

2007-02-19T09:00:00.000-06:00

I am no military strategist but doesn't it seem a little nuts to send one of the world's wealthiest and most famous people to the front line in Iraq? I know Prince Harry is a soldier and I think it's admirable that he wants to fight alongside his fellow soldiers. But seriously, even the other British soldiers are calling him a "bullet magnet".

The Royal Navy is going to have to expend some serious resources in protecting him from the crazies over there. If they don't do so I think its pretty likely that he could be shot or kidnapped by al Queda. It seems pretty counter productive to send a man who is third in line to the throne into a war zone. He will be a distraction and a target. Too bad that he won't be able to simply do his job as a soldier.

Wait a minute....maybe the Brits are onto a great idea. Maybe we can send some of our wealthy and famous people to Iraq. It wouldn't break my heart if Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, or Britney Spears was kidnapped in Iraq (or anywhere else either - please see my ad on page 45 of Soldier of Fortune Magazine). No one (except maybe a really hot Marine recruiter) will convince the triumvirate to enlist in the army but I'll bet it wouldn't be hard to trick them into going to Iraq. Just drop some small shiny objects on a table and while they stare vacantly at the pretty shiny things tell them in a soft hypnotic voice that there is great shopping in Baghdad. That would work.

Then fine folks in al Queda can do our dirty work for us. Can you imagine the scene when Paris (or Lindsey or Britney - insert name here) showed up in Iraq in her usual skimpy outfit? Muslim extremists would throw a blanket over her and toss her in the trunk of a car faster than you can say, "Iran's got nukes."

I am pretty sure that the US govt. wouldn't rush to rescue them. Although the tabloids and some of LA's popular clubs would probably take up a collection to pay for their return and for the rights to their story because otherwise they risk going out of business. Yes my evil plan is taking shape now. Stay tuned for more information on "Operation Desert Bimbo" soon.

Well Played Britney, Well Played.

2007-02-17T09:54:00.000-06:00

It looks like Britney Spears just couldn't stand the fact that now-dead Anna Nicole Smith stole the spotlight from her.

I can imagine Britney thinking to herself, "That bitch. Who does she think she is? I am America's pop princess. She may be dead but I am way more important. What ever could I do to get media attention now?" Her first idea must have been to check into rehab because that has been a foolproof way for other f--ed up celebs to get some attention. But no one really covered that. She probably got to the rehab center in Antigua and thought to herself, "Hey where are the paparazzi? Oh, man. I should have gone to a rehab center in L.A. where I they could find me. I shouldn't have flown 8,000 miles away! Now what am I going to do? What is the point of rehab if it doesn't get you press coverage?"

So, 24 hours later, when it became clear that no one was going to pay any attention to the fact that she went to rehab she left and flew back to LA. What the hell did they do to her during her 24 hours in rehab anyway?

When she gets to LA she must have thought, "Egads! I've got it. I will shave my head. That is how I can get some press. Take that Dead Anna Nicole. Take that Howard K. Stern!!" Britney, you crazy kid...we love ya.

Is Danielynn Hope Marshall Smith in Danger?!?!

2007-02-16T07:27:00.000-06:00

The Anna Nicole Smith Death/Burial/Child Paternity debacle continues. I love a media circus as much as the next paparazzi-addicted American but, even for me, this situation is unreal. Yesterday I watched part of the Florida hearing over who gets to bury Anna's body. Crazy town. Seems pretty clear to me: Anna purchased a burial plot next to the one in which her son is buried in the Bahamas so she should be buried there. But of course that is too simple and easy for all of the vultures involved in this case. This is like something out of a nightmare or a Twilight Zone episode. With that said, this case seems to be every attorney's wet dream.

In addition to the fight over her cold dead body I am equally repulsed and fascinated by the 4 or 5 way fight over the paternity of little Daniellynn. OMG, that Anna Nicole sure liked to, uh, how shall I say this delicately? She sure liked to copulate. I almost wrote "make love" but I don't think she felt love for all of the guys she apparently had sex with in January 2006. Even though she was probably completely hammered at the time I can't believe she could stand the thought of sex (or even a handshake) with a couple of the goblins who claim they could be the father. (Have you seen Zsa Zsa's husband?! His eyes look like little slits that are being eaten by caterpillars. I felt a little ill and had to stop eating my ice cream sandwich when he came on the news...yikes.)

Last night I caught part of MSNBC's Showbiz Tonight when I was flipping through the channels. I don't usually watch that particular entertainment news show but since they said they were going to talk about Anna Nicole I decided to see what they had to say. Holy guacamole. I can't believe how desperate all the "news" outlets are to talk about the Anna situation. The headline for the segment was "Is Danillynn in Danger?" They didn't specify what kind of danger that the tot might be in but they certainly seemed eager to speculate about the varying degrees of parental fitness of each of the father-candidates.

They followed up the discussion of the Danillynn Danger Level (currently TSA has set the Daniellynn Danger Level [DDL] at Orange) with a discussion of "lessons learned from Anna's life". WTF? MSNBC thinks its newsworthy to talk about the fact that consuming nothing but booze and drugs may lead to death? Be serious. Apparently the producers thought it was a crucial enough issue to bring out the big guns in the form of expert drug/alcohol/rage addict Danny Bonaduce.

Yeah, you heard right. Danny Bonaduce, the D-lister who has recently developed an affinity for showing up to LA events shirtless, is now an expert on ways that Hollywood starlets like Paris, Lindsey, and Britney (they were mentioned specifically) can avoid Anna's fate. Danny had some keen insights including, "Someone has to care enough to intervene and stop their self destructive behavior" and "I am not surprised that Anna is dead. I am only surprised she lived as long as she did". I sure hope Danny gets his own news show because I think the whole country could use that kind of insightful wisdom. At the end of the 5 minute interview I actually felt dumber than before I watched. Also my eyes started bleeding.

The discussion of whether or not Daniellynn is in "danger" has become a staple element in nearly every story about the Anna situation. No one talks about what kind of danger the most famous baby on the planet (next to Suri and Shiloh of course) could possibly be in at this point. My guess is that she was in much more danger in Anna's womb, given the amount of methadone Anna may have taken while pregnant, than she is right now. I am pretty sure that Howard K. Stern and his family are feeding and caring for her. It wouldn't help the paternity case much if a judge sees a malnourished, bruised, or beaten child. So, my guess is that right now little Dani is about as safe as she is she is ever going to be.

Danny Bondauce did share one insight that I thought was spot on and that no one else seems to be discussing. He pointed out that if Anna's mother is given custody of the baby that it is very likely that the baby will eventually walk in Anna's footsteps and, perhaps, will meet a similar fate that her mother did. I wholeheartedly agree. Sending a baby to live with white trash in Texas is seldom a good idea unless the only alternative is sending the kid to Thailand to participate in the thriving child sex industry there.

Anna hated her mother and left home at 15 to work as a stripper. That isn't really a ringing endorsement of ole Grandma's parenting skills. I think the kid will be in more danger if she is sent to live with her relatives, many of whom have never met Anna yet have still seen fit to write tell-all books about her. The surprising part is that any of her relatives could string enough words together to form enough coherent sentences for a book. Clearly something went awry in Anna's upbringing or she wouldn't have become the uneducated, drugged up, alcoholic, geriatric-loving adult that she became.

Daniellyn isn't in danger yet but as soon as that poor kid starts to read and learns about her heritage I think she is in danger of jumping off a bridge. Or ODing. Right now she is probably a normal baby with no understanding of the crazy world into which she was born. I just hope that once the dust settles she is placed in a home with a loving, non-media-whore, non-drug-using parent who loves her and will provide an education for her. Maybe then she will have a chance. Nah, that won't happen. Stay tuned in 20 years...history, sadly, is destined to repeat itself.

Amusing Thought for the Day: Incompetence

2007-02-15T09:23:00.002-06:00

This cracks me up. It also reminds me of some people I have met over the years. They have no idea who they are of course.

Response to Comments and Talkback

2007-02-14T10:12:00.000-06:00

For those of you who read this blog on a regular or occasional basis you may have noticed that some people comment on the posts. I am not sure if you read the comments (some are very funny) but they are my favorite thing about the blog. I thought I would take this opportunity to respond to some of the comments made on or about this blog.

We got a few more baby name suggestions for Ron & Kathleen (see Feb 12 entry) from Stephanie and Jonathan:

Stephanie writes:
Here are some of my ideas:

Pokolin (I think I already mentioned) - a beautiful combination of our last names.
Naygue - another beautiful combination of our (Liz's & Steph's) married last names.
Leenon - doesn't mean anything, but sounds kind of alien.

Jonathan proposes:

May as well prepare the kid for celebrity and pick your own combo-name! (Brangelina, Bennifer, etc.) I'd go with Rathleen or Kon myself. But you could Roth or Kathlon too.

Our February 12th blog which proposes some awesome baby names to my fabulous friends Ron & Kathleen. Ron replied:

Inventive and interesting names, all. However, even at the risk of being just a little too cute, we probably are going to continue on with our precedent of consonantal alliteration and go with Vivian. (Etymology: Latin, Meaning: Lively)
We definitely don't want one that's on to one of those stupid top ten lists. BTW - Speaking of names, WTF does pufatufniks mean?

Well I have to say that while we proposed some awesome names (my favorite is Jedi) I can see why Ron might bypass our suggestions for a more traditional name. Vivian is a lovely name and one that is less likely than Jedi, Kon, or Leenon (WTF?) to cause the child to receive beatings and ridicule in grammar school.

In response to the February 13 blog which discusses Anna Nicole Smith's death (murder?) alert reader Big Dave pointed out that:

You forgot about the AstroNut Marie Novak

Well Big Dave you are correct that I omitted the Astronut™ from the Anna Nicole murder suspect list. However I didn't forget about the nation's most recognized astronaut (could you pick any other astronaut out of a lineup?), I omitted her because she has an alibi and lacked the means and opportunity to kill the incomparable Ms. Smith. Let me explain:

Marie Novak is, as far as we know, a first-time criminal and a non-celebrity. She personally stalked her presumed romantic rival rather than outsourcing the stalking to a professional, or even to a competent amateur. On Feb 6th Ms. Novak was in the custody of the Florida police. Since that time she has either been in a Florida jail or back in Texas on a $25,000 bond with a court appointed ankle bracelet adorning her leg. Since Anna Nicole met her maker on Feb 8th, Marie couldn't have killed Anna Nicole. Further, I think that it is certain that the Astronut's™ financial resources have been frozen or are at least under scrutiny by the police. Or by her soon-to-be ex-husband who has got to be hating life these days.

How embarrassing would it be to have to admit that your wife is that mental? It's one thing to privately know that you are married to a crazy person but its another thing entirely when it becomes nationally known that she is a diaper wearing, mace carrying, romantically deluded, and socially retarded stalker. And what about her kids? Apparently she has 3 of them, all of whom should just go ahead and pick a therapist because they are going to need therapy and anti-depressants for the foreseeable future.

And finally, I was very excited about the following posts from Steve and Whitney:

Alright, I'm hooked. I've been reading the blog for a while now and have to admit I can't stop visiting. Liz!, you have a quite disturbing view of the world...keep it up.

Whitney says:

Love the blog girls! It provides me great humor at work! Wonder if Jessica has been back to HEB to visit her "friend." Hahahahha!!

We love it when people leave comments on our blog so keep on talking to us. It's always nice to know that someone besides our husbands' reads and is amused by our blog. If you want to suggest topics for us to blog about please do so...we are always open to suggestions.

In the meantime have a wonderful Valentine's Day. For those of you in Chicago I hope that you stay warm that you don't have to drive at all today. I don't miss Chicago's winters but I can't wait to get back to the city during Cubs season.

Oh also, I think Jonathan is excited about his golf trip to San Antonio with Dick, Dave, and Steve in March. Jonathan and I are going to be spending some quality time at the driving range between now and then. I am planning to drive down to San Antonio and see you guys for drinks one night while you are in the Great State of Texas. You really should plan a golf trip to Austin because this place has more than 30 golf courses in the area. Not to mention great BBQ and all the beer you can handle. Oh, did I mention all the hot young chicks that hang out at Lake Austin....

If I Was A Pageant Queen . . .

2007-02-14T07:45:00.000-06:00

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

Valentine's Day has absolutely nothing to do with this post, but since it is in fact Valentine's Day I felt it would be an huge omission if I did not mention it.

So back to the topic at hand - if I was a pageant queen. My fabulous friend Liz and I and two other fabulous friends Whitney & Jessica went to this women's networking event (even though there were also men at the event - whats up Scotty) last night. I attended the event wearing glorified work out clothes and needless to say, most (all) other attendees were dressed much nicer than I. In fact there were even some pageant queens there - I think they were kind of obscure ones like Miss. Sulfer Springs and Ms. 7/11 on the corner of Bee Caves and 360, but it got me thinking, what could I be the pageant queen of?

Here are some ideas:

Ms. Pufatufnik - Ms., because it's no one's business if I'm a married crack whore or not. We would compete in categories like, Trampy Evening Wear and Stealing Wallets. I figure there aren't many Pufatufniks who can string 7 words together to make a sentence, so I'd kill in the Convince a Cop to Let You Go category.

Miss. Owner of the Worst Dog 2007 - Perhaps you've seen my post on Molly who on this very cold day in Austin, Texas is making me keep the back door open so that she can go in and out when ever she pleases. I'm wearing 5 layers of clothes to stay warm.

Miss. Crazy Christmas - I absolutely love Christmas, but I'm also a little lazy - I still have Christmas decorations up and for this achievement I think I could win a pageant.

Here are some of my ideas for some of my fabulous friends:

Liz - Ms. Blogger or Ms. Law and Order or Ms. Bath Song or Ms. Game Cheater (see her post from a couple of days ago). To know Liz, is to love her and she could win so many bizarre pageants.

Jessica - Miss. Make a Child Pee When You Tutor Them - this is a seriously hilarious story and very true. It sounds kinda dirty, right? - but she's actually so good at teaching - She makes children pee.

Whitney - Miss. Tell Me All Your Secrets - apparently, Whitney is told random secrets from complete strangers. She doesn't really keep it a secret for very long (she comes to tell all the other Pufatufniks), but that's not the name of the pageant, so it doesn't matter.

Hope - Miss. No Blogging, but Really Funny When I do Blog. - Hope is funny when she blogs, to bad she's only done it like 3 times in the last 2 months.

Okay, so there are some of my ideas for my own pageant career and those of some of my friends. Happy Valentine's Day to all Pufatuniks!

Who Killed Anna Nicole Smith??

2007-02-13T07:22:00.001-06:00

The foremost question on every mind these days is "Who killed Anna Nicole?" For those of you who listen to NPR, and, therefore, don't know about this important story, I would just say that you really need to get with the program and start watching the real news which you can find on the E! channel. You know who you are.

I think it is pretty clear that Anna Nicole was murdered. Accidental death? No way. Her body had developed an elephant-like tolerance for drugs and alcohol. No way would a little Valium or methadone take that girl down.

If you have ever seen an interview with her, watched her "reality show" (also on E!), or watched any of her testimony in the trial for her dead husband's money you will agree that she didn't seem like a particularly nice or coherent person. I can't imagine what spending time with her must have been like. It must have been surreal and depressing. It stands to reason that anyone who spent a lot of time around her would, therefore, have had motive to off her. What makes no sense is why they would have waited so long. I would think that any normal person who spent 15 minutes in the same room with that broad would have run screaming from the building. Or in search of a gun. But I am not sure that anyone close to her killed her. I may be the only person in America who feels kind of sorry for Howard K. Stern. He was with her for 15 years and had no other job. No person would be crazy or desperate enough to hang around that goofball for 15 years if he didn't truly care about her. As weird as that sounds.

Who are other possible suspects? Think about who has benefited from her death...

Brad and Angelina and their kids are not on the front page for the first time in about 2 years.

Paris Hilton and her bigoted comments aren't getting the ink they normally would.

A crotch shot of Britney Spears hasn't been published since Anna's death.

Lindsey Lohan has been practically invisible for the past week.

President Bush and the war in Iraq (what you NPR listeners would call "real news") are barely even mentioned on CNN, MSNBC, and Fox anymore.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have all but been been forgotten in the wake of Anna's death.

I think its clear that Paris, Britney, and Lindsey are too coked up and stupid to get Anna murdered. Can you imagine the three of them having a conversation about murdering anyone? "We should, like, kill her. That would be so hot." They would completely screw it up too. Britney would wind up dead, Paris would have sex with whatever guy they were paying to kill Anna, and Lindsey would be late and drunk for the whole event. Also Paris would make a videotape of those the three stooges conspiring which would land them all in prison. So if they tried to do the deed we would certainly have already found out about it on Access Hollywood.

Brad and Angelina might have conspired to sneak drugs into her booze (you know she died from drugs) but I think that they are too consumed with their desire to adopt every child on the African continent to make the time to have Anna killed.

President Bush is a great candidate for two reasons: (a) Anna diverts attention from the anger toward and distrust of his policies that have dominated the news for the past few years, (b) J. Howard Marshall's family is a wealthy Texas family who probably know and are friends with the Bushes. Killing Anna would be killing (literally) two birds with one stone.

But I think that Tom Cruise is probably the real culprit here. He is diabolical, controlling, and sneaky and he has just about had it with the media's conspiracy to spread nasty rumors about him, his wife, and his beloved Church of Scientology. He is rich enough to hire a ninja contract killer (like in that James Bond movie) to sneak into Anna's bedroom and drip just a little bit of untraceable poison in her mouth while she is sleeping and then sneak out undetected. Yeah, that is how it happened.

Anyway, I continue to be fascinated by her death because it's such a train wreck. Just like her life was. I don't think Tom will ever be convicted of her murder. Mainly because her family and friends are so money-hungry and crazy that the police and the media will just focus on them and never look for the "real" killer. Also Tom's contract killer would be too clever and would have too many cool gadgets to help him/her escape after the murder. The killer is probably already sequestered in a Church of Scientology Celebrity Center in the Australian outback. Never to be seen again.

For Your Consideration: Possible Names for Ron & Kathleen's Baby Girl

2007-02-12T14:02:00.000-06:00

Now for the moment that you all (OK, maybe just Ron) have been waiting for. Drum roll. Here are the top 11 names that you and Kathleen should consider for your baby girl.

1. Bethanie
A great suggestion by Stephanie because this name is a mixture of both Elizabeth and Stephanie. I love where your head is at on this one!

2. Anna Nicole
You could pay homage to a recently deceased celebrity. However, if you name your daughter Anna Nicole you run a slight risk that your daughter will be predisposed to making many bad decisions. And possibly dropping a lot of acid.

3. Adaira
This is a Scottish name (Greek in origin) which means beauty. Aww...

4. Mirabelle
This is a French name (Latin origin) which means incredible beauty.

5. Jedi
This would be a great name if you want to name your child the Hebrew word for "Friend of God" or "Beloved by God" while also paying homage to the Star Wars trilogy. There is a good chance that if you name her Jedi she will never have any friends so be prepared for her to live at home until she is about 45 years old.

6. Isabella
Spanish for Elizabeth. I had to make another plug for the name Elizabeth even if it is in another language.

7. Lauren
A lovely name and also a high end clothing line.

8. Hailey
The great thing about this name is that none of the "young Hollywood" party crowd has sullied it yet like they have the names Paris, Lindsey, and Britney.

9. Emily
This was the most popular name for baby girls born in the U.S. in 2005. This name is SO last season.

10. Klementina
This name means merciful in Russian. Hopefully your daughter will be merciful and forgive you for bestowing upon her a name that sounds an awful lot like those delicious seedless oranges.

11. Odelina
Odelina is German for "Wealthy"? It's good to be optimistic about a child's future!

So, what do you think? Any winners here?

Tips For Winning At Trivial Pursuit

2007-02-11T16:29:00.000-06:00

Last night Jonathan and I hung out with our fabulous friends Matt and Steph. Not an unusual Saturday night. Matt and Steph brought take out Chinese and the 90's edition of Trivial Pursuit. Steph and I challenged Matt and Jonathan to a game. We lost but only because the guys got some ridiculously easy questions toward the end of the game. Really. In any case, I thought I would share with you the secrets to winning a game of Trivial Pursuit.

1. Know the answers. It's easiest if you are very smart, you have watched and retained the plots of every movie ever made, and you have memorized the entire Encyclopedia Britannica.

2. Roll the exact number you need to play for a piece of pie. I recommend loaded dice if you have some handy.

3. Try not to play the game drunk. OK, I know that will be really tough.

4. Modify the questions when it's your turn to ask questions of the other team. I like to only read the other team/players part of the question. Or find the hardest question on the card and, regardless of the color your opponent lands on, ask the hardest question.

5. When the other team/player isn't looking you should read and memorize the questions and answers on the next card in the deck.

6. Get the other team/players drunk. Add vodka to whatever they are drinking when they aren't looking. Soon they will be slurring, mumbling, and nodding off.

7. No matter what answer the other team gives to a question you should tell them that it's incorrect. If they ask to see the answer you should rip up the card and eat it before they can find out you lied.

8. Remember the old Handlin saying, "If you aren't cheating then you aren't really trying to win." The shortened version is, "If you aren't cheating, you aren't trying."

End of Liz's Chicago Trip and Return to Austin

2007-02-09T14:28:00.000-06:00

This poster has nothing to do with today's blog post...I just think it's really funny.

I had a lovely dinner with my fabulous friends Hope and Dave last night. We went to Club Lucky in Chicago for some delicious pasta and martinis. I love Chicago nightlife. Thanks for a great time Hope and Dave!!

My flight today was on time and uneventful so now I am back in Austin. It's good to be home. Now I am watching the Broward County Medical Examiner's press conference on Anna Nicole's death. This whole situation is so sad and bizarre although maybe not all that surprising given her lifestyle. I predict a huge legal battle over her daughter and her estate. That poor baby daughter of hers just has no chance to have a normal life.

Liz's Trip To Chicago: Day 2

2007-02-08T17:37:00.000-06:00

Well day 2 of my trip to the frozen Yukon got off to a shaky start. Hope and I walked 5 blocks from her house to the el train this morning. It was 10 degrees outside. At least there was no wind...in Chicago you have to take what you get get weather-wise. It was about 8:40 am when we arrived at the Damon el stop which is about 15 minutes from downtown. I had a 9 am appointment at my dentist (very important) so the timing should have worked out perfectly. But of course it did not work out at all.

As we walked up the steps to the el my fabulous friend Hope astutely pointed out that the throng of people descending from the el was a bad sign. No one commutes to Hope's neighborhood except maybe the grungy teenagers who work at the 400 coffee shops in the area. As soon as we got to the track we found out that a train had broken down and they had no idea when the trains would be running again. Thanks for the help CTA employees. As far as I was concerned this was a disaster of epic proportions because the only way to get downtown in 15 minutes from Bucktown is the el. Bus or cab will take you about 25 minutes.

Naturally competition for cabs in sub-freezing weather during rush hour is fierce. Fortunately it took me about 20 seconds to connect with my city-girl persona. While Hope was trying to call Yellow Cab (motto: Screw You) I noticed an empty cab about a block away. In a scene reminiscent of one of those Avis commercials that OJ did in his pre-murder years I vaulted over newspaper stands, hurdled trash cans, and tossed an old woman into traffic to secure our ride. Scruples and manners are highly over rated in the cut throat world of Chicago transportation.

Anyway, long story short I was 15 minutes late to see my dentist. But it turned out OK because they said they could see me at 3 pm. Crisis averted.

Then I had some other errands, a luncheon appointment, and a trip to Neiman's before I could rush back to Hope's fabulous apartment to check email and deal with my frostbite. On my way to run errands I got a call from my fabulous (fabulous, not to be confused with fancy) friend Ron. Ron is a huge fan of Pufatufniks. In fact he may be our only fan but he is loyal and that is really what counts. Quality not quantity is what make a great fan base.

Ron and I went to graduate school together. He had the distinction of being the only person who did less work than I did in a certain class that we won't discuss here because I don't want anyone to disbelieve Ron's claim that he is the only person to ever graduate from U of C's GSB program with a 4.5 GPA.

Ron and his fabulous wife Kathleen are expecting their second child in April. Their son Vincent (try calling him Vinnie and see what a lovely shade of red Ron turns) is so adorable. He is going to break some hearts when he grows up! Anyway, the soon-to-be-baby-Villa is a girl. Naturally I suggested to Ron that he name his sure-to-be-gorgeous-and-brilliant-daughter Elizabeth. Sadly Ron shot this idea down on the grounds that he already has both a sister and a friend (me I suppose) named Elizabeth. I guess I can understand his reluctance to populate the world with too many Elizabeths. The question is: what should Ron and Kathleen's daughter be named?

I think that for a future blog post (maybe tomorrow if I don't blog about Anna Nicole Smith instead) we should create a list of potential names for Ron and Kathleen to choose from.

If you haven't met this lovely couple you should know that they are both classy, smart, successful, extremely fabulous, very beautiful, and very well dressed. Also either one of them could drink your average rugby player under that table in less than an hour. Well Ron could, Kathleen only weighs about 80 pounds so I doubt if rugby binge drinking records have anything to fear from her. Given that vivid description of the parents what are some possible names for baby girl Villa? Stay tuned and I will list all names that make any sense at all....

Liz's Trip to Chicago: Day 1

2007-02-07T16:26:00.000-06:00

Well once again I attempted to fly from Austin to Chicago for business. As you may recall I tried to fly to Chicago at the end of January but my flight was cancelled two days in a row at which point I threw in the towel and just reschedule for Feb 7 - 10. It was pretty inconvenient to have to cancel the trip as I had both personal and business appointments scheduled. But what can you do when Austin is completely iced over? Nothing.

My flight to Chicago was supposed to leave today (Feb 7) at 2:45 pm. I noticed when I checked-in online yesterday afternoon that my flight was maybe half full. I viewed that as a good thing from a comfort perspective. I planned to work, pack, and generally get ready to go until about 1 pm today when I had planned to leave for the airport. But, alas, it was not to be. I got a call from a far-too-cheerful American Airlines employee at 9 am this morning informing me that my 2:45 pm flight had been cancelled because of weather in Chicago. She followed this bombshell with an offer to put me on a 12:10 pm flight or a 5:45 pm flight to Chicago.

What??! That makes no sense at all. If the weather is SO awful that they have to cancel flights 6 hours in advance then how is it that a flight leaving 3 hours earlier and one leaving 3 hours later than the scheduled flight would be safe to fly?! Based upon long experience I knew that the 12:10 pm flight was the only option because when they start cancelling flights the ones leaving later are always at the most risk.

I agreed to fly at 12:10 which meant that I had to rush around and make all of my preparations in an hour. I had no time to do my hair which is now a mess. I had no time to update a couple of resumes for my clients. I am tired, frazzled, behind on my work, and generally pissed off at the liars at American Airlines. That flight wasn't cancelled because of the weather in Chicago (it's sunny and about 15 degrees here). It was cancelled because the flight wasn't full. Period. End of story.

Once again American Airlines has caused me extreme inconvenience and hassle. I don't know what is wrong with these people. It's pretty clear that they aren't running an actual airline as much as an occasional shuttle service. This is starting to feel like a visit to the Caribbean where you never know if your bus, car, flight, or boat will show up or not. Maybe the folks at American Airlines have taken up the Caribbean pastime of drinking rum punch all day.

I was originally supposed to arrive in Chicago at 5:45 pm today at which point a colleague of mine was supposed to pick me up at O'Hare for a pre-planned dinner in the far west suburbs. Since my schedule now skews earlier I had to pay $45 for a semi-retarded young man to drive me to Elgin, Illinois. This kid just didn't believe me when I told him that 450 Airport Road (my destination) was not on the same side of the street as 405 Airport Road.

He literally drove into every driveway on the other side of the road (all with odd numbered addresses) to make sure that 450 wasn't on that side of the street. We spent 15 extra minutes investigating every hotel and business on the other side of Airport Road before he finally conceded to drive across the street to #450. This is why I don't own or carry firearms. My lack of patience combined with bullets and gunpowder would land me in jail faster than you can say, "Idiotmobile".

So now I am catching up on email, blogging, and returning phone calls until our dinner at 7pm. After dinner I will pay another driver $112 to drive me downtown to Hope's condo where I am spending the night.

I was supposed to stay here until Saturday but I managed to pack a lot of appointments into my day tomorrow and I have changed my flight so I can return to Austin on Friday. I think that it is not meant for me to stay here for more than a day. My flight has been cancelled 3 times in a row, the weather is freezing, and it seems like this trip is becoming inconvenient for all concerned. Maybe it's just best if I stay home and off of airplanes for the foreseeable future.

Thought For The Day: Mistakes

2007-02-06T08:04:00.000-06:00

Some days I honestly feel this statement applies to me. But at least I am helping society in some small way. And also I never engage in body painting. Or taking my top off in public. And both of those things certainly help society and keep me out of prison.

Why the Puppy Bowl is Better than the Superbowl

2007-02-05T15:39:00.000-06:00

The folks at Animal Planet are a bunch of alternative programming geniuses! For those of you not familiar with it, The Puppy Bowl is four continuous hours of puppies - playing with chew toys, sniffing each others' butts and drinking water in a small enclosed area decorated like a football field. There's not a whole lot of human commentary during the 4 hour game, but it's oddly addictive. Here are my top 10 reasons why the Puppy Bowl is better than the Superbowl.

10. For the cat lovers, there is a kitty half time show - Kitties invade the football field while the puppies take a much needed nap. There's less butt sniffing, but more butt licking in this show.

9. Time-outs for puppies making doodie on the field (poor referee has to clean it up, but I don't think you'll ever see that in the NFL, although it might be fun if they did.)

8. Animal Planet provides you with a line-up of the players and even ideas of how to plan the perfect Puppy Bowl party: http://animal.discovery.com/convergence/puppybowl/puppybowl.html

7. Replays of cute puppy activities.

6. Minimal human commentary. I find most sports commentary pretty stupid and I'm happy to report that Animal Planet commentators don't try too hard to come up with stuff to say while the puppies are playing.

5. No penalties - well, no real ones anyways - the puppies are always very sweet and play by the rules.

4. Puppies watching Puppy Bowl. Sometimes the Puppies watching the Puppy Bowl on T.V. were just as fun as the puppies playing.

3. Back-to-Back showings. Animal Planet showed the Puppy Bowl twice last night and although I didn't watch the show twice - it was nice to have something to flip back to when there wasn't anything else on t.v.

2. Water Bowl Camera. A camera angle from underneath the water bowl. The puppies spent more time digging at the water than drinking it.

1. Puppies are so much cuter than un-cute football players. (Puppies may be as cute as those hot football players, but there weren't alot of them in Colts v. Bears.)

Next year, if you're looking for something to watch because there's nothing else on (besides the Superbowl) tune in to Animal Planet for some fun puppy watching.

Thought For The Day: Ambition

2007-02-04T13:32:00.001-06:00

Maybe simply aspiring to sit on the couch all day is really the way to go....

Is Tara Connor A Space Alien?

2007-02-02T08:32:00.000-06:00

Last night I was hanging out with my fabulous friends Whitney and Jessica. We had a great time drinking wine and discussing important newsworthy and cultural issues. Some of the key issues we discussed included universal health care, global warming, Britney's lack of underpants, Paris's lack of intelligence, and whether or not the weird guy who works at our local grocery store is merely creepy or possibly autistic. It was that kind of discussion. Anyway, one of the topics that we dissected was the saga of Miss USA, Tara Connor (or as I like to call her, Crazy Tara), and her penchant for TMI on TV.

First of all, I have to admit that if I hadn't seen Tara's tearful press conference to announce that she was going to rehab that I wouldn't have even known who Miss USA is. I have heard that no one watches the Miss America pageant anymore and if that is true I can only imagine how few people watch the Miss USA pageant. The Miss USA pageant organizers should be thanking Crazy Tara for bringing some much needed attention to their second rate pageant.

If you have been anywhere near a television over the past couple of days there is no way that you could have missed clips of Crazy Tara's interview with Matt Lauer on the Today Show. The first question that came to my mind as I watched Tara disclose too much information (TMI) about her "recovery" was, "Is Tara from outer space?" Only a space alien would think that it's a good idea to reveal her cocaine use and allude to childhood sexual abuse when the interviewer was simply asking questions about her alcohol abuse. In other words, if all that you were alleged to have done was drink too much then why would you offer information about illegal drug use? What a f---ing moron.

The interview made it sound like before entering rehab Crazy Tara was a coked up drunken liar who snuck out of her posh Trump Plaza apartment every night to score drugs and have sex with random men. Apparently we are supposed to believe that a mere 30 days later Miss USA is a changed woman who now possesses life changing insights into her destructive behavior and the issues causing it. Right. I believe that story. And monkeys might fly out of my butt.

Apparently the lovely Ms. Connor doesn't have access the advice of a good publicist. Or even a bad publicist. Good grief. Didn't anyone ever teach her how to talk to reporters without actually answering their questions? My feeling is that the Miss USA organization has thrown her under the bus in order to protect their purported "good reputation". As if anyone thought that the organizers of beauty pageants care a whit about the well being of the young women whom they require to parade around in bikinis in order to have a shot at winning the crown and some scholarship money.

Pageant organizers have been pimping out these girls for the viewing pleasure of young men everywhere for as long as I can remember. It's a bit of a disconnect to think that a 20 year old who is enjoying all the pleasures that New York has to offer could ruin the somewhat shady reputation of an organization that sends a message that scholarship money and and low body fat are somehow connected. It seems a bit mean that they would send Crazy Tara into an interview without the common sense advice to say nothing.

So the only conclusion that I can draw is that one of two things happened:

Option #1: someone did tell Tara to say as little as possible about her problems to Matt Lauer and she ignored this sage advice because she is actually from another planet where they don't have reporters, news, tabloids, paparazzi, and TV ratings.

Option #2: Crazy Tara received no advice about how to navigate a TV interview about her personal issues and, in an effort to please the interviewer, she engaged in a ridiculous tell-all about every stupid and self destructive thing she has ever done.

Either way, Tara Connor will be haunted by this situation for the rest of her life. Unless she becomes a nun at a convent in Peru. Then, maybe everyone will forget.

Happy Birthday Hope

2007-01-31T13:37:00.000-06:00

Today is my fabulous friend Hope's birthday. I just wanted to wish her a very happy birthday right here at Pufatufniks! Have a great day Hope and try to get out of the office and go have some fun!

If Liz Started A New Business

2007-01-31T07:43:00.000-06:00

<------ Here is a picture of my fabulous friend Liz that I drew in MS Paint.

If you ask my fabulous friend Liz, she'll tell you that I am currently suffering for blog-writer's block or she might also tell you that I need to lay off the all-day drinking diet plan. (It's like bulimia, but with a buzz). Last night, she kindly sent me a list of blog-writing topics, all of which were pretty humorous. And while, I didn't decide to select one of her topics - she did inspire the one I'm currently writing.

To my fabulous friend Liz,

You have inspired me to do many things (mostly to write this blog) and for that I am truly thankful. I am now going to do you a favor . . .

If you ever find yourself wanting to start another business; I have compiled a list of new ventures. I think there is currently a void in the market for such businesses and you'd be perfect fit. Here is a list of business names and descriptions:

1. "BLOG TOPICS FOR DUMMIES" - just read the above, you'd be perfect

2. "THANK YOU . . . and other more clever things you could say during an acceptance speech" - You'd be a wonderful speech writer for all those nit-wit actors and actresses currently receiving awards - you're clever and thoughtful - two qualities that most of those people lack.

3. "DON'T TREAD ON ME" - You're an empowering woman - you could teach a doormat a thing or two about sticking up for themselves (or maybe teach a not so perceptive person how not open the door and buy magazine subscriptions from strangers).

4. "IF YOU DON'T HAVE MAC N CHEESE, I AIN'T BUY'IN" This could be your new food critic business. You could mandate that every restaurant you review at least serve mac n cheese - that's a huge spectrum from KFC to Eddie V's . . . yummy.

By the way fabulous friend Liz, I have done countless hours (at least 5 minutes) of consumer research and I firmly believe all of these ideas will be highly successful and net you lots of money.

Good Luck,

Stephanie

There they are - my ideas for new businesses that Liz should start.

Thought For The Day...

2007-01-30T17:43:00.000-06:00

An Austin Restaurant Review: Bess Bistro

2007-01-28T10:17:00.000-06:00

Jonathan and I ate at a new restaurant in Austin last night called Bess. It is apparently owned by the actress Sandra Bullock although we didn't see her when we were there.

The restaurant is physically beautiful. Low ceilings with thick wooden beams, exposed brick walls, brick columns, and a fireplace create an intimate setting that made me feel like I was in cozy home. The top of the bar is made of one solid piece of pewter and it is really chic and lovely. The crowd was young, hip, and attractive. It is clearly a great see-and-be-seen place.

The menu is intended to be a combination of American comfort food and French bistro fare. The common denominator for both types of cuisine is that the ingredients are simple and should be well prepared. This is where it all falls apart at Bess.

We started with cocktails and an appetizer of steamed mussels served with an herb and bacon ragout and grilled ciabatta bread. The mussels and the sauce were delicious. It was a light and flavorful appetizer that I would order a second time. The "ciabatta bread" that was advertised was really one piece of over-toasted French bread. In fact half of the piece of bread was actually charred. Mistake number one.

I ordered the cheeseburger as a main course with a side order of macaroni and cheese. Anyone who knows me knows that I love macaroni and cheese. In fact I am a huge fan of any pasta that is liberally coated in nearly any kind of cheese. The cheeseburger that is described on Bess's menu sounds very interesting. It is described as ground beef and sausage mixed together, grilled and topped with sharp cheddar and grilled onions on a potato bun. Doesn't that sound great? I thought so too....until it arrived at the table.

The first and most obvious problem with the hamburger was that the bun was at least twice the size of the burger. So I removed the bread from the meat. Cutting into the burger really required a hacksaw but all they gave me was a butter knife. No matter, I am persistent. Once I had sawed off a piece of the burger I noticed that it appeared to be quite well done. I had actually requested the the meat be served rare but our waitress informed me that because sausage was mixed in with the beef, the chef couldn't serve it rare. No problem, I understand.

The first bite of the burger was a disappointing experience to say the least. It was overdone to a spectacular degree. I have never chewed on an old boot but if I were to imagine the experience it would be pretty much the same as tasting the hamburger at Bess. The meat was so tough as to render itself nearly inedible. Terrible. I tasted it a second time, regretted it, and decided to focus on the carbohydrate portion of the meal.

The french fries that came with the burger were fantastic. Crunchy but not overdone and spiced perfectly. I would go back to Bess just for the fries. As far as I am concerned the fries were the only redeeming menu item.

The macaroni and cheese is baked and served in small cast iron skillets. Maybe that is why it seemed so dry and bland. The chef didn't use enough cheese in the recipe and it wasn't particularly flavorful. I would not order that dish again. If you live in or are visiting the Austin area and you are in the mood for some delicious macaroni and cheese I would recommend Eddie V's. Eddie V's has the most amazing truffled mac and cheese...I am getting hungry just thinking about it!

Jonathan's entree was far tastier than mine. He ordered the steak frite which was well prepared and quite delicious. I think that if you decide to eat at Bess your experience will depend entirely on what you order. The food that I ordered was terrible which, in my opinion, was particularly unforgivable since it's not that difficult to prepare a decent burger. Macaroni and cheese, also, is not terribly difficult to prepare. In fact, I would recommend to Bess's management that if they can't improve their macaroni and cheese that they just serve the Kraft version as that never disappoints.

For desert, Jonathan and I shared the chocolate pecan pie served a la mode. The pie was very good and was made with a homemade crust. The ice cream was homemade vanilla bean ice cream which is not something that you find in your average restaurant. We really enjoyed our desert and the homemade ice cream was a lovely surprise.

On a scale of 1 - 10 I would give the ambiance and service at this restaurant a 7. On the same scale I would rank the food as a 3. I would return to Bess for cocktails, appetizers, and/or desert but I wouldn't eat a full meal there again.

Eat at Bess at your own risk.

Feb 3, 2007 Loveshack Dash 5K Austin, Texas

2007-01-25T20:38:00.000-06:00

WHO: The Alpha Theta Chapter of Kappa Alpha Theta
University of Texas at Austin

WHAT: Inaugural philanthropic 5K and Kids K
Benefiting the Court Appointed Special
Advocates (CASA) of Travis County

WHEN: Pre-event registration is available now, and
same day registration will begin at
9:00 a.m. on February 3, 2007

WHERE: Events will start and finish at the Kappa Alpha Theta House
on West Campus located at:
2401 Pearl St.
Austin, TX 78705

For more information and to register go to: Theta Website

Liz's Predictions for Tomorrow's Oscar Nominations

2007-01-22T14:18:00.000-06:00

Well tomorrow is my second favorite day of the year. My favorite, of course is the day of the Academy Awards. My second favorite is the day that the Academy Award nominations are announced and that day is tomorrow at 5 am. I will, of course, make my Oscar picks sometime between now and the awards show but for today I am going to share my predictions regarding nominees in the top 6 categories:

Best Picture Nominees

Sure Bets:

The Departed

Dreamgirls

Babel

The Queen

Possible Nominees:

Little Miss Sunshine

Little Children

The Good Shepherd

Best Director Nominees

Marin Scorsese, The Departed

Clint Eastwood, either for Letters from Iwo Jima or Flags of our Fathers

Bill Condon, Dreamgirls

Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, Babel

Stephen Frears, The Queen

Best Actor Nominees:

Sure Bets:

Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland

Leonardo DiCaprio, either for Blood Diamond or The Departed

Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness

Peter O’Toole, Venus

Possible Nominees:

Matt Damon, The Good Shepherd

Sacha Baron Cohen, Borat

Clive Owen, Children of Men

Best Actress Nominees

Sure Bets:

Helen Mirren, The Queen

Meryl Streep, The Devil Wears Prada

Annette Bening, Running With Scissors

Dame Judi Dench, Notes on a Scandal

Possible Nominees:

Penelope Cruz, Volver

Kate Winslet, Little Children

Best Supporting Actor Nominees

Sure Bets:

Jack Nicholson, The Departed

Brad Pitt, Babel

Eddie Murphy, Dreamgirls

Possible Nominees:

Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine

Mark Wahlberg, The Departed

Jackie Earle Haley, Little Children

Best Supporting Actress Nominees

Sure Bets:

Cate Blanchett for one of these: Notes on a Scandal, Babel, or The Good German

Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls

Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine

Possible Nominees:

Toni Collette, Little Miss Sunshine

Adrianna Barraza, Babel

Emily Blunt, The Devil Wears Prada

People Selling Stuff Door to Door

2007-01-22T13:06:00.000-06:00

I'm a nice person - I buy girl scout cookies, give to the homeless and rarely park illegally. BUT, I think all of my niceness was expended this morning when two 20-ish boys (I'll call them boys, because I think one of them had their ball cap on backwards and the other didn't look like he owned a brush) came to my door this morning selling magazine subscriptions.

I think we've all been approached by people selling magazine subscriptions for points, and the story goes that if they get so many points they win a trip to Europe or money for college or a gift certificate for ice cream or some other random prize that I really don't care about. Well these two boys show up at my door around 10:00 AM with their perky little smiles and unkempt hair and clothes and teeth . . . telling me their sob story about no money for college (I don't think either one of these half-wits could even spell college). Anyways, they were VERY pushy. BUT, I being a nice person, listened to their story and reviewed the list of magazine subscriptions that they were offering.

I needed to renew my subscription to US Weekly - so I thought, what the heck - I'll help out these poor illiterate boys with their dream of going to college (although, my better judgement told me to shut the door - one of the half-wits told me a joke about going to Europe and then asked me if I liked chicken, after I stupidly said"Yes", he said "why don't you grab a wing and come along". )

So, I told them I needed a subscription for US Weekly. Then (if you can believe it), the lead half-wit told me that they usually ask people to select 2, because it's impossible for him and twiddle-dum-whit to split points. I then told the two that I really didn't want one subscription, but that I wanted to help them out. Then, the lead half-wit asked me how I would like to pay, I told him check. He then (if you can believe it) asked me if I had any cash that I could use, because it would help him get his points faster. I told him "No". Seriously, these two would just not quit. They were at the height of all-time human annoyance when the lead half-wit asked me if I had anything cold to drink. ARE YOU SERIOUS??? I just gave you a check for $90, worth 240 points towards college (whatever that means) and you want a cold drink. Well, because I'm so stupidly nice I gave them each a coke. Sometimes, I want to hit myself for being such a stupid nicey-nice.

In actuality, I'm not that nice with everyone who comes to the door. But these two boys reminded me of these two characters in a movie called Funny Games. It's a petrifying movie about this couple who tell these two boys they cannot borrow some eggs. The two boys come back later to the house and torture the family mercilessly. The way I see it, I spent $90, but I really did save the life of my family. I hope that my wonderful husband sees it this way too.

How Jennifer Aniston Can Become A Movie Star

2007-01-21T18:13:00.000-06:00

Last night Jonathan and I had occasion to watch a truly terrible movie called, Picture Perfect, staring Jennifer Aniston, Kevin Bacon, Jay Mohr, and Iliana Douglas. It looked like a cute movie when we first started watching it but by the end of the movie I was rolling my eyes at the stupid plot and ridiculous acting. Part of the problem with the movie was Jennifer Aniston herself.

Now, I have no problem with Jennifer Aniston in fact I thought she was great on Friends. Part of her appeal on Friends was her sweet but crazy-hot girl-next-door demeanor. But that sweet, vulnerable, girl-next-door quality that made us feel like we knew her when we watched her on Friends is exactly what keeps her from ever becoming a "Movie Star". I think the difference between TV stars and movie stars is the perception of accessibility. Realistically no actor is really accessible but TV stars come into our home via our television sets and I think that proximity makes it seem like we know them.

Side note: Stars' lack of accessibility is a smart PR move because as far as I can tell any actor stupid enough to spout off in public about his or her "true feelings" about any meaningful topic quickly becomes relegated to Crazy Town. (Crazy town population includes: Tom Cruise, Anna Nicole Smith, Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and, sometimes Madonna)

Movie stars, in contrast to TV stars, are viewed on large screens in movie theaters. The big screens, the movie posters, and all the hoopla that goes along with movie premiers makes movie stars seem larger than life. They seem to live almost on another planet. I think some of them really do live on other planets that I don't know the names of like whatever planet the Scientologists live on.

When I think of movie stars, names like Sharon Stone, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, and Meryl Streep come to mind. They are beautiful and wealthy and the tabloids make it seem like their lives are much more exciting than ours. (Let's face it, their lives are more exciting than ours, well mine anyway.) And that makes me feel sorry for poor Jennifer Aniston. Whenever I read interviews with her or hear about how she spends her non-working time, it sounds kind of dull. She hangs out with her friends, smokes a few menthol lites, and eats tasteless food from the Zone Diet. Yikes.

It must have really sucked for Jennifer when Brad left her for Angelina. It has to add insult to injury that no matter what Jennifer does she will never be a huge movie star like Angelina. You know why? Because Jennifer is isn't weird enough. Jennifer seems like a more or less normal (albeit boring) human being. Angelina, on the other hand, is this exotic seemingly fearless beauty who does weird stuff that no one that I know would ever do. For example: she wears a vial of blood around her neck, adopts children from third world countries, and marries/divorces frequently. She is like a gorgeous crazy circus freak that we just can't stop watching.

So my advice to Jennifer is this: If you want to be a movie star you should do one or more of the following:

(a) adopt a child from an obscure African country that no one has ever heard of
(b) convert to a controversial religion like Scientology or Kabbalah or maybe join a cult
(c) marry K-Fed (he is currently available)
(d) get a DUI and then tearfully go to a cushy rehab center like Promises in Malibu
(e) engage in a public bigoted rant
(f) get into a public catfight with another female celebrity

Jennifer, if you can pick more than one of the items from this list and execute the subsequent PR nightmare with a total lack of dignity and self respect it is possible that you can overcome your "nice girl" image and become a Movie Star of epic proportions. The question you have to ask yourself is: how badly do I want to become a movie star? If you apply yourself and really work toward your goal the sky is the limit. So lose those underpants, start smoking crack, and engage in public displays of self-degradation. There is no telling how far you can go!

In My Defense

2007-01-19T12:15:00.000-06:00

I know my absence from this blog has been felt the world over (or at least by one person, my fabulous friend Liz). In my defense, I'd like to tell you what has happened to me during the last few days, and I hope in some small way it will lessen the severity of my punishment for not posting. I hope that you all (by "you all" I mean, fabulous friend Liz and her fabulous husband Jonathan, who also finds my "computer" excuse to be poor) find the following story to be at least 10 times more creative than an 14-hour work day (no offense to fabulous friend Hope).

It was late Sunday night, I was asleep in my not so comfortable pee-filled bed (see post on worst dog nominations) dreaming of co-hosting "E! Live from the Red Carpet" with my fabulous friend Liz. Suddenly, I felt something yanking on the covers to the side of my bed. I thought it was my pee-happy dog scratching at the covers, trying to get on the bed, but it was RYAN SEACREST - he really is THAT short.

He told me that I had been invited to the Golden Globes, but that I had to leave with him immediately on his E! Spaceship. I asked him, what I would tell my fabulous husband, who also has a name. Ryan, or as I call him now, Rae-Rae told me he would take care of everything. I jumped on the E! Spaceship, which looks like this:

Except it has a big E! logo on the side. The spaceship ride was not unlike most plane rides that I've been on, with the exception of Rae-Rae and his friend, Clebe playing twister in the corner.

When we got to Hollywood (the E! spaceship lands at the secret Hollywood Sign Airport), I was immediately told how I would appear at the Golden Globes!! (This is where the story gets a little unbelievable, but I swear every word is true). Apparently, I was going as Jennifer Love Hewitt!! According to Rae-Rae and everyone else I met from E! (they're all Aliens by the way, hence the spaceship) - Jennifer Love Hewitt isn't a real person. She's a really stupid E! Alien with no personality and no brain, that different humans get to inhabit from time to time. This totally explains her inconsistent acting (or lack thereof), right?

So, on Monday afternoon they stuff me in this hideous dress and tease my hair - HUGE (for E! Aliens big hair is a sign of intelligence and ice cream eating ability)

This is me at the Golden Globes in a JLH costume.

Anyway, Monday night I was at the Golden Globes - that's a good excuse, right? I had a fabulous time at all of the parties and totally messed with Cameron Diaz when I told her that JT and Jessica Biel were flirting in the corner at the InStyle party. I was a cruel alien, but JLH never had so much fun!

The E! Aliens were so impressed with my wonderful personification of JLH that they decided to keep me for a few days (seeing as neither spaceships nor planes were flying in and out of Austin). Perhaps you heard that Lindsay Lohan is now in rehab - well guess who put her there? It was ME as JLH. I drank her so far under the table (I was drinking ice cream) she thought that Brandon Davis was her hero and that Tide detergent was something else . . .

There was lots of fun to be had in Hollywood, but the bottom line was that I didn't make is safely home in my bed (the return E! spaceship ride was blue and we ate lots of ice cream while teasing Rae-Rae's hair) until early this morning. Apparently, Rae-Rae left an alien clone of me in my place so that my husband, who has a name wouldn't miss me. I guess my alien clone was endowed with all of my talents, abilities and likeness except for the ability to blog, oddly enough.

I could have blogged in Hollywood, but apparently the E! Aliens don't let you do anything out of character when you're in JLH's shell. I guess she doesn't know how to read or write, so if anyone would have seen me (aka JLH), my cover would have been blown.

So there you have it - that's the reason I have not been able to blog until today. I will try never to be captured by the E! Aliens again, unless they tell me I can go as Kate Winslet to the Academy Awards.

Hillarious Post About Paris Hilton

2007-01-19T11:25:00.000-06:00

Check out this post on What Would Tyler Durdin Do...it is so funny:

Paris Hilton's Droopy Eye is Getting Worse

Where Oh Where Have My Fabulous Friends Gone?

2007-01-18T17:35:00.000-06:00

Where are my fabulous friends Steph and Hope? They are supposed to be my blogging partners but they have disappeared. Well, Steph hasn't disappeared. She has been holed up in her house like everyone else in Austin because of this crazy ice storm we had. You would think that she could just log on to the computer right there in her living room and post some of her random thoughts. When she was questioned about this (by me) she made a lame excuse about how her husband was hogging the computer or the couch or something. I didn't really understand the excuse. All I heard was "blah, blah, blah". I think she had been drinking a lot of bourbon at the time. It was only 10 am. She may have a problem.

I hesitate to bash Hope for not blogging for two reasons: (a) she has a demanding job that requires that she leave her house for up to 14 hours at a time, and (b) I was supposed to stay with her during my planned visit to Chicago that was canceled when my flight couldn't take off because of the Austin ice storm. It's hard to give someone a hard time for not writing about trivia when she has a job that requires that she bill as many hours as possible. Also I feel bad that she was inconvenienced by my canceled trip this week. (You would think that someone at the Austin airport would have thought to order extra de-icer for the planes when they heard that an ice storm was coming through wouldn't you!?!)

So, Hope is off the hook but Steph had better start writing. Or I will come over to your house and steal your TV remote control. Yeah, that's right, Liz is ready to play hardball. Start writing lazybones.

Why Are Red Carpet Hosts Such Idiots?

2007-01-16T19:45:00.000-06:00

I love movie stars like Sharon Stone.

Last night I was watching the E! Red Carpet with Ryan Seacrest followed by the Golden Globe Awards and then, finally, the post-show interviews. Sheer bliss. Award shows are my guilty pleasure. I love to watch the stars in their gorgeous clothes and jewels. I love to watch the actors win awards and I love to try to guess the winners in all the categories. I am a big movie fan so, for me, the award shows are the big finale to a great year of movie watching. The only bummer is that almost without exception the hosts of the award pre- and post-shows persist in asking moronic and/or mean spirited questions. What is up with that?

Giuliana DiPandi, a red carpet co-host on E! TV, actually suggested to Dane Cook and his girlfriend that after the show they go get tattoos on their "backsides" to commemorate the occasion. What? What planet did that idea come from?

One super-annoying thing these "hosts" do is ask the stars they are supposed to be interviewing what they think about other stars. One of them asked Rainn Wilson of The Office who he wanted to avoid at the Golden Globes. I suppose this question was triggered because a "breaking news report" had just come through her earpiece that Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz had requested that they not arrive at the same time because of their recent breakup. Huh?

My absolute favorite mean question from the Golden Globes was asked when America Ferrera won the award for best female actress in a TV series. As she was walking off stage she was first ignored entirely by the vacuous Maria Menoudos. Then, when Maria finally noticed that an award winner was standing right next to her, she had the audacity to ask America, "So, now that you have won a Golden Globe for your performance in Ugly Betty, what do you have to say to all those people who didn't think you should be hired for the job?" No joke. She really said that. What a bitch. I mean if you got a promotion at work and one of your co-workers said, "Congratulations. How do you feel about the fact that no one at the office thought you could do the job?" wouldn't you want to drop-kick them through a plate glass window?

I thought the very best moment of the pre-show was when Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie arrived and were corralled by Ryan Seacrest. Angelina was shooting daggers at Seacrest and it was awesome. She was classy and said nothing but you could see that she had nothing but disdain for the bottom feeders that make their living peddling gossip about her and her family. As she and Brad walked into the awards I could hear two of the women hosts who were just on the voice-over commenting about how Angelina looked upset. One of these morons said, "Well she would rather be in a third world country rescuing children". Where do they find these people?

I would like to petition E! and these other "news" outlets to please hire some movie lovers to interview movie stars. I love Kristin Vietch of E! because she loves television and she asks intelligent and respectful questions of the stars she interviews. Why can't they hire more like her? Why do they all have to be complete idiots like Ryan Seacrest and Maria Menoudos? They need to tell these people when they hire them that if you can't ask an intelligent question at least don't ask an insulting question. Don't be mean, be sweet.

Ryan Seacrest - total award show buzz-kill

Golden Globe Awards Tonight!

2007-01-15T11:10:00.000-06:00

The Golden Globe Awards air tonight live at 7pm CST. This means that I will start watching the red carpet interviews around 5:30pm on E!. I wish that my fabulous friend Stephanie and I had our own red carpet show because we would ask much more lucid and interesting questions than Ryan Seacrest and all his flunkies. It drives me nuts when they try to get every star to comment on Brad and Angelina...so stupid.

Anyway, I am not that great at predicting the Golden Globes but I have made a few comments and a few predictions which are listed within the nomination list. I can't wait to see who wins!

Best Motion Picture - Drama
BabelAnonymous Content Production/Una Producción De Zeta Film/Central Films Production; Paramount Pictures/Paramount Vantage
BobbyMichel Litvak Productions/Bold Films; MGM/The Weinstein Company
The DepartedWarner Bros. Pictures
Little ChildrenNew Line Cinema
The QueenGranada; Miramax Films

Actual Winner: Babel
Liz Predicts: Babel or The Departed will win this one. Maybe Bobby because it has an all star cast.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Drama
Penélope Cruz – Volver
Judi Dench – Notes On A Scandal
Maggie Gyllenhaal – sherrybaby
Helen Mirren – The Queen
Kate Winslet – Little Children

Actual Winner: Helen Mirren
Liz Predicts: Either Helen Mirren or Penelope Cruz. There is a lot of buzz about both of these actresses this year but don't discount Dame Judi Dench's chances...she wins and wins and wins at award shows.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Drama
Leonardo DiCaprio – Blood Diamond
Leonardo DiCaprio – The Departed
Peter O'Toole – Venus
Will Smith – The Pursuit Of Happyness
Forest Whitaker – The Last King Of Scotland

Actual Winner: Forest Whitaker
Liz Predicts: Forest Whitaker. DiCaprio is great in both of his movies but I always think that getting nominated twice in the same category hurts an actors chance of winning. Will Smith was great (so I hear, I haven't seen Happyness yet) in his movie and Peter O'Toole is a legend. With all of that said, Forest Whitaker is long overdue for some awards for his body of work and I think this is his year. The only problem is that Last King of Scotland isn't a great movie but I think his performance will land him an award.

Best Motion Picture - Musical Or Comedy
Borat: Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan
One America; Twentieth Century Fox
The Devil Wears PradaTwentieth Century Fox
DreamgirlsDreamWorks Pictures/Paramount Pictures
Little Miss SunshineBig Beach/Bona Fide Productions; Fox Searchlight Pictures
Thank You For SmokingRoom 9 Entertainment/David O. Sacks Production/Contentfilm; Fox Searchlight Pictures

Actual Winner: Dreamgirls (total shocker)
Liz Predicts: Borat. No contest. I think every member of the HFPA wants to see Borat accept an awards. No one wants to miss that!

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy
Annette Bening – Running With Scissors
Toni Collette – Little Miss Sunshine
Beyoncé Knowles – Dreamgirls
Meryl Streep – The Devil Wears Prada
Renée Zellweger – Miss Potter

Actual Winner: Meryl Streep
Liz Predicts: I think this will be a tough category. Either Annette Bening or Meryl Streep will walk away with this award.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Musical Or Comedy
Sacha Cohen – Borat: Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan
Johnny Depp – Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Aaron Eckhart – Thank You For Smoking
Chiwetel Ejiofor – Kinky Boots
Will Ferrell – Stranger Than Fiction

Actual Winner: Sacha Cohen * He gave the funniest acceptance speech.
Liz Predicts: Another tough category. This one is between Sacha Cohen and Johnny Depp. I think Sacha Cohen as Borat will win this one.

Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Adriana Barraza – Babel
Cate Blanchett – Notes On A Scandal
Emily Blunt – The Devil Wears Prada
Jennifer Hudson – Dreamgirls
Rinko Kikuchi – Babel

Actual Winner: Jennifer Hudson
Liz Predicts: Cate Blanchett has gotten much praise and a lot of buzz. I think she will win.

Best Performance by an Actor In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Ben Affleck – Hollywoodland
Eddie Murphy – Dreamgirls
Jack Nicholson – The Departed
Brad Pitt – Babel
Mark Wahlberg – The Departed

Actual Winner: Eddie Murphy
Liz Predicts: Jack Nicholson was incredible in The Departed and he is loved by actors and critics alike. This award belongs to him.

Best Animated Feature Film
CarsWalt Disney Pictures/Pixar Animation Studio; Buena Vista Pictures Distribution
Happy FeetKingdom Pictures, LLC; Warner Bros. Pictures/Village Roadshow Pictures
Monster HouseColumbia Pictures; Sony Pictures Releasing

Actual Winner: Cars
Liz Predicts: No idea really but probably Cars.

Best Foreign Languge Film
Apocalypto (United States)Touchstone Pictures/Icon Productions; Buena Vista Pictures Distribution
Letters From Iwo Jima (Japan, United States)Warner Bros. Pictures/DreamWorks Pictures; Warner Bros. Pictures
The Lives Of Others (Germany)Wiedemann & Berg/Bayerischer Rundfunk/ARTE/Creado Film; Sony Pictures Classics
Pan's Labyrinth (Mexico)Tequila Gang/Esperanto Filmoj/Estudios Picasso; Picturehouse
Volver (Spain)El Deseo; Sony Pictures Classics

Actual Winner: Letters from Iwo Jima
Liz Predicts: Volver has received so much positive buzz that I think it will win this category.

Best Director - Motion Picture
Clint Eastwood – Flags Of Our Fathers
Clint Eastwood – Letters From Iwo Jima
Stephen Frears – The Queen
Alejandro Iñárritu – Babel
Martin Scorsese – The Departed

Actual Winner: Martin Scorsese
Liz Predicts: Martin Scorsese for The Departed. I think that Clint Eastwood won't win because his chances are halved because he is nominated twice in this category. Babel has a good shot because of the subject matter. The Queen was fantastic but I really think that Helen Mirren is the stand-out from that film. The Departed was a great movie with an A-list cast - Scorsese should win.

Best Screenplay - Motion Picture
BabelWritten by Guillermo Arriaga
The DepartedWritten by William Monahan
Little ChildrenWritten by Todd Field, Tom Perrotta
Notes On A ScandalWritten by Patrick Marber
The QueenWritten by Peter Morgan

Actual Winner: The Queen
Liz Predicts: Not sure about this one. Probably Babel or The Departed.

Best Original Score - Motion Picture
The Painted Veil (Desplat)Composed by Alexandre Desplat
The Fountain (Mansell)Composed by Clint Mansell
Babel (Santaolalla)Composed by Gustavo Santaolalla
Nomad (Siliotto)Composed by Carlo Siliotto
The Da Vinci Code (Zimmer)Composed by Hans Zimmer

Actual Winner: The Painted Veil
Liz Predicts: I can't even come close to predicting this category.

Best Original Song - Motion Picture
"A Father's Way" – The Pursuit Of HappynessMusic By: Seal and Christopher BruceLyrics By: Seal
"Listen" – DreamgirlsMusic & Lyrics By: Beyoncé Knowles, Henry Krieger, Anne Preven and Scott Cutler
"Never Gonna Break My Faith" – BobbyMusic & Lyrics By: Bryan Adams, Eliot Kennedy and Andrea Remanda
"The Song Of The Heart" – Happy FeetMusic & Lyrics By: Prince Rogers Nelson
"Try Not To Remember" – Home Of The BraveMusic & Lyrics By: Sheryl Crow

Actual Winer: Happy Feet/Prince
Liz Predicts: No idea but if I were betting I would put my money on the song from Dreamgirls

Best Television Series - Drama
24 (FOX)Real Time Productions/Imagine Television/Twentieth Century Fox Television; FOX
Big Love (HBO)Anima Sola/Playtone Productions/HBO Entertainment; HBO
Grey's Anatomy (ABC)Touchstone Television; ABC
Heroes (NBC)NBC Universal Television Studio/Tailwind Productions; NBC
Lost (ABC)Touchstone Television; ABC

Actual Winner: Grey's Anatomy
Liz Predicts: Grey's Anatomy. This show gets so much buzz now and is so highly rated that I think they will pick the hospital show over the one with all the castaways.

Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series - Drama
Patricia Arquette – Medium (NBC)
Edie Falco – The Sopranos (HBO)
Evangeline Lilly – Lost (ABC)
Ellen Pompeo – Grey's Anatomy (ABC)
Kyra Sedgwick – The Closer (TNT)

Actual Winner: Kyra Sedgwick
Liz Predicts: I hope Kyra Sedgwick wins but its just so hard to say because all of these women are terrific and get great reviews. I don't think Edie Falco is in the running because Soprano's isn't as "hot" as it used to be. Ellen Pompeo probably has a great shot because Grey's is so popular right now.

Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series - Drama
Patrick Dempsey – Grey's Anatomy (ABC)
Michael C. Hall – Dexter (SHOWTIME)
Hugh Laurie – House (FOX)
Bill Paxton – Big Love (HBO)
Kiefer Sutherland – 24 (FOX)

Actual Winner: Hugh Laurie
Liz Predicts: Not sure about this one. Patrick Dempsey or Hugh Laurie most likely. But Keifer Sutherland is always amazing in 24.

Best Television Series - Musical Or Comedy
Desperate Housewives (ABC)Touchstone Television; ABC
Entourage (HBO)Leverage/Closest to the Hole/HBO Entertainment; HBO
The Office (NBC)Deedle Dee Productions/Reveille/NBC Universal Television Studio; NBC
Ugly Betty (ABC)Touchstone Television; ABC
Weeds (SHOWTIME)Showtime/Lionsgate Television/Tilted Productions, Inc.; SHOWTIME

Actual Winner: Ugly Betty
Liz Predicts: Either the Office or Entourage. Toss up. Although, with that said, Ugly Betty has been getting a lot of buzz this year. Weeds is a great show too. But Office and Entourage probably have the most viewers since Desperate Housewives just isn't what it used to be.

Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series - Musical Or Comedy
Marcia Cross – Desperate Housewives (ABC)
America Ferrera – Ugly Betty (ABC)
Felicity Huffman – Desperate Housewives (ABC)
Julia Louis-Dreyfus – The New Adventures Of Old Christine (CBS)
Mary-Louise Parker – Weeds (SHOWTIME)

Actual Winner: America Ferrera
Liz Predicts: I can't really predict because I don't watch any of these shows but I would guess the winner will be either America Ferrera or Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Mary-Louise Parker won last year but I am not sure that Weeds has the viewership that the other shows have.

Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series - Musical Or Comedy
Alec Baldwin – 30 Rock (NBC)
Zach Braff – Scrubs (NBC)
Steve Carell – The Office (NBC)
Jason Lee – My Name Is Earl (NBC)
Tony Shalhoub – Monk (USA)

Actual Winner: Alec Baldwin
Liz Predicts: Tony Shaloub or Steve Carell

Best Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made for Television
Bleak House (PBS)Masterpiece Theatre/BBC/WGBH Boston/Deep Indigo; PBS
Broken Trail (AMC)Butchers Run Films/Once Upon a Time Films/Sony Pictures Television; AMC
Elizabeth I (HBO)Company Pictures/channel 4/HBO Films; HBO
Mrs. Harris (HBO)Killer Films/Number 9 Films/John Wells Productions/HBO Films; HBO
Prime Suspect: The Final Act (PBS)Masterpiece Theatre/Granada/WGBH Boston; PBS

Actual Winner: Elizabeth I
Liz Predicts: Elizabeth I

Best Performance by an Actress In A Mini-series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Gillian Anderson – Bleak House (PBS)
Annette Bening – Mrs. Harris (HBO)
Helen Mirren – Elizabeth I (HBO)
Helen Mirren – Prime Suspect: The Final Act (PBS)
Sophie Okonedo – Tsunami, The Aftermath (HBO)

Actual Winner: Helen Mirren for Elizabeth I
Liz Predicts: Helen Mirren for Elizabeth I

Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
André Braugher – Thief (FX)
Robert Duvall – Broken Trail (AMC)
Michael Ealy – Sleeper Cell: American Terror (SHOWTIME)
Chiwetel Ejiofor – Tsunami, The Aftermath (HBO)
Ben Kingsley – Mrs. Harris (HBO)
Bill Nighy – Gideon's Daughter (BBC)
Matthew Perry – The Ron Clark Story (TNT)

Actual Winner: Bill Nighy
Liz Predicts: No clue at all

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Emily Blunt – Gideon's Daughter (BBC)
Toni Collette – Tsunami, The Aftermath (HBO)
Katherine Heigl – Grey's Anatomy (ABC)
Sarah Paulson – Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip (NBC)
Elizabeth Perkins – Weeds (SHOWTIME)

Actual Winner: Emily Blunt
Liz Predicts: No idea. Probably Katherine Heigl because she is attached to Grey's Anatomy

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Thomas Haden Church – Broken Trail (AMC)
Jeremy Irons – Elizabeth I (HBO)
Justin Kirk – Weeds (SHOWTIME)
Masi Oka – Heroes (NBC)
Jeremy Piven – Entourage (HBO)

Actual Winner: Jeremy Irons
Liz Predicts: Jeremy Piven

Top 5 Reasons to Live in Austin

2007-01-12T11:50:00.000-06:00

I received an email this morning from a friend of mine. The subject line read, "Pictures of Dead Birds in Downtown Austin". I seriously thought that someone had sent me a picture of 3 dead pigeons (see fabulous friend Liz's post from a couple of days ago) lying on the ground, but instead, I received the above picture. It shows the truly bizarre sense of humor that almost ever Austinite possesses. It was for this reason that I was motivate to write my Top 5 list for Austin:

5. THE WEATHER

This is for my fabulous friend Liz who could tell you a cold-weather Chicago story every day of the week for 10 years and never run out.

4. ANIMAL FRIENDLY

Austin is extremely animal friendly as evidenced by the fact that the Worst Dog of the Year 2006 and quite possible Worst Cat of the Year 2006 live happily in the city and are not exiled to some place like Memphis, Texas (see fabulous friend Liz's Husband, Jonathan's post on megadoodle.org).

3. THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS

It's awesome.

2. THE FOOD

Austin is no Chicago, NY or San Francisco when it comes to fine or not-so-fine cuisine, but it does many things right like: Chuy's, Rudy's, Jeffrey's and many other restaurant with boy names.

1. THE PEOPLE

Like my fabulous friend Liz. And of course all the other people in Austin, especially the ones with a crazy sense of humor who could actually stage, photograph and distribute pictures like the one above.

I Want to Go to the Beach

2007-01-11T19:02:00.000-06:00

Barbuda

While playing with Google Earth today I visited several beaches which reminds me that I would like to go visit one sometime soon. Maybe later this year........

I really want to visit Barbuda one day. I actually went there one time while on a sailing trip but I didn't get to go ashore. We sailed from Antigua to Barbuda and then to St. Barth's and we ended up in Anguilla. Great trip. We left Antigua around lunchtime and sailed about 6 or 7 hours to Barbuda where we were going to spend the night. The problem was that Barbuda is surrounded by about 200 coral reefs and our captain didn't want to get any closer than about 100 yards from the island because he was worried about tearing up the bottom of the boat. We spent the night on the boat before heading off for our 12 hour sail to St. Barth's the next day. I wanted to go ashore so badly because Barbuda is known for its gorgeous pink sand beaches. It's part of the British West Indies and Princess Diana used to vacation there. So one of the things I want to do one of these days is go to Barbuda.

Nigel Terrorizes A Whole House

2007-01-10T13:44:00.000-06:00

(Aw, look how cute and harmless Nigel looks. Don't be fooled. He is very harmful)

Well Nigel is at it again. He woke me up at 3 am the night before last either because he wanted to play or he wanted food. I am trying to "get tough" with Nigel so I have placed a squirt bottle filled with water next to my bed. I also got a night light because I realized that our room was too dark for me to squirt him in the middle of the night with any accuracy. The plan is to squirt
Nigel with the water anytime he wakes us up before 7 am. It's not going well.

The first problem with my new "Get Tough Plan" is that while Nigel doesn't really like getting squirted with water he doesn't seem to mind all that much either. In other words squirting him isn't the disincentive you would think it would be. In fact, I think he thinks the squirt bottle is a game because now whenever he decides to wake me he makes some noise and immediately sprints out the door before I can squirt him. I must admit my aim isn't that great when I first wake up either.

Another problem is that Nigel is very resilient. One morning I actually managed to squirt him right in the chest with the water bottle and he left the room. I thought he had finally learned his lesson and would spend the rest of the morning cowering in fear of the squirt bottle. Just as I was drifting off to sleep while basking in the glow of my perceived dominance over this 10-pound demon, he came back and with a vengance. He clawed the soles of my feet and made so much noise that I had no choice but to get up and feed him to make him go away.

The third problem is that Nigel has figured out that no matter what I do to him, if he just keeps harassing me I will eventually get up. What pisses me off is that he doesn't necessarily eat the food when I get up and feed him! I think the little bastard just doesn't want anyone else to sleep when he isn't sleeping. It's just plain mean.

This morning at about 3 am when Nigel decided I should wake up I just stormed upstairs to the guest bedroom to try to sleep there. I did not stop on the way and feed him either. I must not have shut the door all the way because I woke up 3 hours later to find Nigel sleeping peacefully on my legs. When he is asleep he looks so precious and sweet that no one could wish him any harm. And that is part of his overall evilness. You get sucked in to this feeling of affection for him and then when you are minding your own business (sleeping) he does something mean.

I don't know what to do. I just want to get a good night's sleep for once. We can't lock him out of the bedroom because (a) his litterbox is in our bathroom, and (b) we tried it one time and he literally ripped up the carpet under the door when he tried to dig his way in. I recall when Nigel came into our lives, he was this adorable little lost kitten and we wanted to give him the best of everything. Now I think he was like a little demon who was sent to us from Hell to ingratiate himself into our lives and then wreak havoc and make unreasonable demands.

Oh, and did I mention that when he wants to he can scare both of our dogs with his meanness and wayward claws.

Look how cute he was at 7 weeks old....who could say no to that little guy?

Oops She Did It Again

2007-01-10T05:56:00.001-06:00

*****SEE UPDATE BELOW*****

That's right! The receipient of the Worst Dog 2006 proved, once again, why she is SO deserving of this award. No big story, but she did manage to break the lower part of our fence to escape over to our neighbor's house for the second time in three weeks. We had to go outside and reinforce the fence with every rock, piece of word, metal barb and ice cream cone we could find.

I wonder how my fabulous friend Liz and her runner-up Rusty are doing . . . maybe she has room for the Worst Dog 2006 in her house.

*****Update: Evidence of even more horrible behavior.

After all of my attempts to reinforce the fence, this is what Molly did this morning. As you can see she has done further damage to the fence and also managed to dig out all of the VERY HEAVY rocks that I had placed in front of the fence. In her defense (very small), the fence is practically falling down with rot, but she's still a horrible dog!

FDNY 2007 Calendar - Makes A Girl's Day A Little Brighter

2007-01-09T15:40:00.000-06:00

I am having a pretty crappy day. However a friend sent me a pdf copy of this calendar which has improved my mood somewhat. Sadly, I cant figure out how to load the pdf on this blog otherwise you would be looking at photos of 12 good looking NY Firefighters. But if you go to the website that sells the calendars you can see the photos. Looking at these hotties will probably improve your day. No guarantees though...it just depends on how crappy your day has been.

- Liz

http://www.nyfirestore.com/calendars.html

Public Service Message to Jacuzzi Tub Owners

2007-01-09T13:18:00.000-06:00

If you are a Jacuzzi tub owner or an owner of a similar type of tub, I warn you, do not dismiss this post out of hand! Since I moved into my new condo, my otherwise lovely Jacuzzi bath tub has been spewing ugly black moldy chunks. As you can see from my exchange with the Jacuzzi tub people below, I have tried everything imaginable to rid my tub of this nasty scum. I haven't actually tried the solution suggested by the Jacuzzi tub people in the e-mail below but it seems the most promising solution thus far. I think this is a vitally important topic and one that, frankly, just does not get enough media attention. I am hoping that my e-mail to the Jacuzzi tub people and their response to me will spare some of you the trauma that I have endured over the last few months while trying to stop my tub from spewing chunks and prevent others from encountering this problem in the first place.

Hope wrote....

Hello,

I purchased a new condo about six months ago, which contained a Jacuzzi bath tub. Since the first time I turned on the jets, they have been blowing out brown/black moldy flakes. I have tried everything I can think of to clean the jets and pipes.

My home inspector suggested that I put bleach in the tub and run the jets for about 30 minutes and let it soak. I tried this several times using a couple of cups of bleach with a half-full tub and letting it soak overnight but it didn't work. Next, I tried a product called Sani-bath, which is supposedly specially designed for this problem--that didn't work. I then tried a product I purchased at a store that sold Jacuzzi products. (Aside from providing me with the product, the Jacuzzi tub store had no clue how to solve the problem or whether the pipes could be replaced.) I tried the recommended amount of four capfuls of the product for the first five times but when that didn't work I dumped the entire container in--of course, that didn't work either. I have also tried an entire large bottle of Lysol, a box of Cascade dishwashing detergent, CLR, Lime Away and Scrubbing Bubbles sprayed directly into the jets and the intake area. I am sure you can guess that none of these tactics worked either!

Most recently, out of frustration, I dumped nearly two gallons of bleach into a half-full tub, let the jets run for 30 minutes and let it soak for 5 hours. I know this is probably not good for the tub (or for the human that is doing it) but then again, the nasty moldy chunks are not good for me! In short, I felt that I was left with no alternative and had to resort to extreme measures. The bleach bleached the current moldy flakes white but am not sure whether it has prevented future black moldy flakes from growing.

Please let me know how you recommend that this problem be solved. Is there a special cleaner that will work? Is it possible to get the pipes cleaned? (I know it is the pipes because I have removed the jets and cleaned them separately--they appear to be fine.) Should the pipes be removed and new ones installed? Is that possible? Also, when/if I finally get the problem solved, how do I prevent this from happening again in the future?

Aside from this one problem the tub and the jets appear to be working perfectly and I am excited to be able to use it. Please help.

Thanks,
Hope

Jacuzzi tub people wrote (promptly I might add)....

Dear Hope,

Thank you for your recent inquiry. The black flakes are most likely an accumulation of bath residue-a combination of dirt, body oil, soap scum, and residue from any additives that may have been used in the bath. To remove accumulations of bath residue from the whirlpool system, it is recommended that a whirlpool bath be purged at least twice a month. For best results, however, we recommend that you purge your whirlpool bath after each use, using our exclusive two-part plumbing system cleaner made specifically for whirlpool baths. Systems Clean(tm) is available through an authorized Jacuzzi Whirlpool Bath Distributor or by calling us direct at 1-800-288-4002.

-Instructions for use: Immediately after bathing and exiting the whirlpool bath, leave the bath water in the tub and add hot water, if necessary, so the water is at east 2" above the highest jet.
-Turn on the unit without the aerator. Pour the contents of the Systems Clean Packet 1 (taking care not to get the material on you) into the bath near the intake for the circulation pump.
-Repeat same process with Systems Clean Packet 2. It is important to use Packet 1 before Packet 2 to avoid a strong odor. Run the bath for 5 to 10 minutes. Drain completely and rinse any residue.

If you have followed the standard purging instructions above and still have an excess accumulation of bath residue:

-We recommend SUPER SYSTEMS CLEAN PLUS manufactured by Stearns Packaging to rectify this condition. This may be obtained by contacting us at 1-800-288-4002. It is recommended that you follow the instructions provided by the manufacturer with the product. Repeated use may be necessary. SUPER SYSTEMS CLEAN PLUS does not replace the necessity to regularly purge your whirlpool system with Systems Clean as recommended.

We do not recommend using bleach, or products containing bleach, in the bath as it may be harmful to the whirlpool system.

Thank you,
Consumer Assistance
Jacuzzi Whirlpool Bath

FYI--I DO NOT recommend that anyone try the two gallons of bleach thing described above in my e-mail--I hear it can be very dangerous. Also, the two products referenced in the Jacuzzi tub people's e-mail are also available at www.jacuzzi.com in a combo pack for the low price of $46.90 (believe me, if you have this problem you will be willing to pay anything to get rid of it). This site also contains fun accessories for your Jacuzzi tub, some of which I will consider purchasing if I can ever get rid of the black chunks.

Liz's Picks for the 2006 Pufatufnik Awards

2007-01-08T19:32:00.000-06:00

(The Coveted Pufatufnik Award Statuette that all of our winners will take home)

Best wannabe-lame-Pufatufnik-like Performance in a Motion Picture:

This one is a no-brainer, has there ever been a lamer “actress” than Jessica Simpson? I think she should win for her sad showing in Dukes of Hazard but, really, you could substitute any movie she has ever been in. I think her IQ is about 40. After she walks away with her award the casting director who hired her should be taken outside and beaten severely.

Best Liz-like-Pufatufnik Performance in a Motion Picture:

Hands down, Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada simply because Meryl Streep rocks every time. She stole every scene because she is just so freaking fantastic! And were her clothes unreal? I would consider selling my soul for a crack at the closet at the fashion magazine Meryl worked for in the movie.

Best Hope-like-Pufatufnik Performance in a Motion Picture:

Well, in thinking about a “Hope-like” performance I had to think long and hard. Hope is a homebody and, I think, so is Jennifer Aniston in The Break-Up. Also they both have great hair and a great sense of humor. And they both lust after Vince Vaughn. The difference is that Vince didn’t have to get a restraining order to break up with Jennifer. Oops Hope…was that private? Should I not have told anyone?

Best Stephanie-like-Pufatufnik Performance in a Motion Picture:

This category is very tough to call. I think it’s a toss-up between the beautiful redhead Bryce Dallas Howard in Lady in the Water and the Malamute loving Moon Bloodgood in Eight Below. But the truth is that Stephanie doesn’t have the energy to swim all the time like Bryce Dallas Howard did….she needs a lot of naps with her Malamute Molly. So, (drum roll please) the winner is Moon Bloodgood!

Best Awesome Pufatufnik in a Motion Picture:

Cate Blanchett is awesome every time in every movie. She is our generation’s Meryl Streep. She is a chameleon who is completely believable in every role she takes. There just is no comparison to anyone else. She is having a great year because of her kisses with Brad and George. I want to be Cate Blanchett so I can kiss Brad and George and I would need many many takes to get it right!

Best Breakout Performance by a Pufatufnik in a Blog:

I think there is a clear winner here: Stephanie for It's Okay to Sell Gifts on Ebay. First of all that piece was one of the funniest things I have ever read. Also, it gave me some great gift ideas for Christmas gifts for my fellow Pufatufniks. So, step right up and accept your award Steph….it’s the little balloon man at the top of this post. You had better not try to sell it on Ebay either.

I also would like to respectfully suggest a new category:

Best Shirtless Performance By A Man In A Motion Picture

There really is only one nominee because there is only one man who is truly worthy of this esteemed prize. Can you guess who? I will give you one guess: he is photographed everywhere without his shirt on. I hear he loves to run around naked which is pretty much the best news I have heard all year. Drum roll…….the winner is:

The one and only Matthew Mcconaughey

Yes, I realize that I didn’t even nominate him for any specific performance in a movie. Do I really have to? Didn’t you see Sahara? What about Two for the Money? I don’t even know what those movies are about except that he takes his shirt off a LOT in both of them and that is my sole reason for watching those movies continuously. In fact, I think its about time for another dose of Sahara right now!

2006 Pufatufnik Awards

2007-01-08T15:28:00.000-06:00

2006 Pufatufnik Awards

As my fabulous friend Liz has pointed out, tis the season for award shows. I love award shows just as much as my fabulous friends Liz & Hope. However, I am no longer content to simply vote in other contests (you all didn't know that I have both a SAG card and am a member of the Hollywood Foreign Press - I write for the Denmark Danish). It is for this reason (an many others, including my own boredom) that I call on all my fabulous pufatufnik friends to participate in the nominations and voting for the FIRST ANNUAL PUFATUFNIK AWARDS.

Best wannabe-lame-Pufatufnik-like Performance in a Motion Picture:

This should be awarded to the most wannabe lame Pufatufnik performance - generally not a good thing.

1. Lindsay Lohan - Bobby (didn't see it, but she always plays a crack whore . . . )

2. Jessica Simpson - Dukes of Hazard (dumb crazy in shape crack whore)

3. Jessica Simpson - Employee of the Month (crack whore needing to get her roots done)

4. Sharon Stone - Basic Instinct 2 (deadly crack whore)

Best Liz-like-Pufatufnik Performance in a Motion Picture:

This should be awarded to the most Liz-like Pufatufnik performance - always a great thing.

1. Eva Longoria -The Sentinel (smart crack whore with a gun)

2. Meryl Streep - Devil Wears Prada (sassy crack whore with great clothes)

3. Eva Green - Casino Royale (Bond loving crack whore)

4. Catherine O'Hara - For Your Consideration (Oscar loving crack whore)

Best Hope-like-Pufatufnik Performance in a Motion Picture:
This should be awarded to the most Hope-like Pufatufnik performance -always a great thing.

1. Jennifer Aniston - The Break-up (awesomely funny crack whore)

2. Keira Knightly - POTC: Dead Man's Check (skinny crack whore)

3. Cameron Diaz - The Holiday (spunky crack whore who needs to find a cute British man to date)

4. Sarah Jessica Parker - Failure To Launch (Matthew McConaughey loving crack whore) - this could also be nominated under the "Liz" category.

Best Stephanie-like-Pufatufnik Performance in a Motion Picture:

This should be awarded to the most Stephanie-like Pufatufnik performance - always a great thing.

1. Bryce Dallas Howard - Lady in the Water (crack whore who likes to swim)

2. Elizabeth Mitchell - Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (crack whore who loves Christmas)

3. Moon Bloodgood - Eight Below (Alaskan malamute loving crack whore)

4. Renée Zellweger - Miss Potter (children's book authoring crack whore).

Best Awesome Pufatufnik in a Motion Picture:

This should be awarded to the most awesome Pufatufnik performance - something all of us other pufatufniks aspire to be.

1. Cate Blanchett - The Good German (crack whore who gets to kiss George Clooney)

2. Cate Blanchett - Babel (crack whore who gets to kiss Brad Pitt, but she also gets shot, so weight the pluses and minuses carefully).

3. Angelina Jolie - The Good Shepperd (crack whore who gets to kiss Matt Damon . . . gets to kiss Brad Pitt in real life, too)

4. Kate Beckinsale - Underworld:Evolution (crack whore who gets to kick a lot of ass and kiss Scott Speedman, he's not so bad)

Best Breakout Performance by a Pufatufnik in a Blog:
This should be awarded to the best breakout pufatunik performance in a blog- a wonderful thing.

1. Liz - Nigel Strikes Again - But This Time, A Man (crack whore with crazy animal problems)

2. Hope - Hope Joins the Blog (crack whore with funny thoughts on joining the blog)

3. Stephanie - It's Okay to Sell Gifts on Ebay (crack whore with good advice for selling crap)

Alright, all fellow pufatufniks are invited to add nominees and additional categories. Let the debating begin!